10 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

 

Or what about “ The Curly Wurly Shit “:

Where it mysteriously curls around in a full circle and then some !!, sitting in the pan above the water line looking like a healthy dog turd or one bought from a joke shop !!
Usually requires intervention from the bog brush or your foot to aid flushing !!
Also, for some mysterious reason, usually occurs at someone else’s house !!

 

Foot???????

This story, spurred on by the recent posts, is not a joke as such just a funny true story that happened to me:

About 15 years ago I was feeling bouts of discomfort in my back and stomach ( was difficult to locate ) turns out it was a gall bladder stone which was later found by ultrasound and removed by surgery .

Prior to this my local doctor requested a urine and stool sample, gave me two small sample bottles. Never having given a stool sample I had to ask how I was supposed to get the “ sample “ in the bottle ??
His reply, “ shit on some newspaper and take some with a lollipop stick “ !!
On returning home I duly filled the urine sample bottle but wasn’t feeling the urge for “ number 2 “ !
My ex wife came to the rescue with an enema ( the small glycerin torpedo type bought from the pharmacy ).
Never having used one I duly inserted it and waited the required 10 to 15 minutes !!
I had already discounted the newspaper idea as primitive and resorted to perching on the loo holding a piece of kitchen roll flat in my hand under my backside .
Picture the scene, or maybe you shouldn’t [emoji23]

Anyway, I had underestimated the power of the enema and it literally cleared me out so much that I struggled to retain the “ sample “ on the kitchen roll !!
Luckily I didn’t have any overflow and managed to catch the whole thing, the liquid in the enema had caused a watery but solid substance reminiscent of my grandmothers rice pudding ( only brown ! ) and anyone who has had concrete delivered in Thailand will know the type I mean.

The lollipop stick and sample bottle were at the ready but unfortunately I had forgotten to remove the lid of the bottle.

Soo, I had to call the ex in to remove the lid of the bottle while I stood there proudly with no pants on and a “ cow pie “ in one hand.
She burst into uncontrollable laughter which set me off too [emoji23] and I laughed so much that I struggled to retain the 5 pounder on my outstretched hand , the whole situation was surreal yet for some reason incredibly funny !!

I guess you had to be there !!

Foot???????

I’m from Yorkshire !!

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I’m from Yorkshire !!

Reminds me of a Yorkshire lad I used to know. He was doing some work on a woman's house and needed to take a dump. Of course it was a floater and no amount of flushing would get rid of it so he wrapped it up in bog paper and hid it in her airing cupboard behind the hot water tank. The job was finished and he did not need to return.  Nice lad. 

My ex wife came to the rescue with an enema ( the small glycerin torpedo type bought from the pharmacy ).

 

 

EDIT: “Suppository “ was the word I couldn’t remember not enema !!

 

Reminds me of a Yorkshire lad I used to know. He was doing some work on a woman's house and needed to take a dump. Of course it was a floater and no amount of flushing would get rid of it so he wrapped it up in bog paper and hid it in her airing cupboard behind the hot water tank. The job was finished and he did not need to return.  Nice lad. 

The hot water tank would have ensured freshness and prolonged the aroma !!
We Yorkshire lads are very thoughtful in this way [emoji51]

Imagine their surprise years later when converting to a combi boiler !! , wonder who got the blame ??

I have a 3/4 full tin of paint left over and wondered if any TVF member would be interested, free of course .

ScottieJohn ??

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I have a 3/4 full tin of paint left over and wondered if any TVF member would be interested, free of course .

ScottieJohn ??

Thanks but I need to brush the offer off as it's the wrong Tartan, I prefer the 100% plaid variety unless you meet my terms below!

 

PS; You do realise what a sensitive soul I am don't you?

Having my Scottish monetary generosity questioned really hurts.

PPS; Since its only 3/4 full I think you should pay me 1/4 of the original cost (plus inflation) plus 100% handling to take it plus transport packaging etc!  hen I can go and paint the town red or something.

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Imagine their surprise years later when converting to a combi boiler !! , wonder who got the blame ??

The "Yorkshire Pudding" or the Pudding that put it there!

 

PS: Thank goodness it wasn't "Toad in the hole"!

14 hours ago, Damrongsak said:

Getting away from shit, as it were.

I thought it was the other way round, in that your shit left you, but maybe your shit is less of a shit than you are and knows you better than us!????

 

PS;  We don't know you from shit so we are joking-honest!

19 hours ago, GarryP said:

Reminds me of a Yorkshire lad I used to know. He was doing some work on a woman's house and needed to take a dump. Of course it was a floater and no amount of flushing would get rid of it so he wrapped it up in bog paper and hid it in her airing cupboard behind the hot water tank. The job was finished and he did not need to return.  Nice lad. 

Aha. Reminds me of a visit I made in Canada to a site office where a mate of mine Wayne was working,who I had worked with in Malaysia. 

I took a durian.

He had a filling cabinet across a corner in his office so i dropped it down the gap.

A day or so later I get an email.

"I know who it was and I know what it is, I just don't know where it is."

 

 

 

Re the tartan paint.

 

Used to work for the NHS, & sometimes the Ward sister - in the days when they had ultimate power, would send a junior nurse to the stores to get a 'fallopian tube'.

 

Absolutely true.

 

There is also a flatus tube, but that is a real device.

 

See pic #4

 

 

 

http://library.sccsc.edu/surgtech/catheter2.htm

 

Didn't post a picture, as I don't want to upset the more sensitive members.....

On ‎6‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 11:58 PM, chickenslegs said:

Pop a vein in your forehead shit:

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard

As a buddhist, I never have that issue.  For me, shit just happens.

19 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Thanks but I need to brush the offer off as it's the wrong Tartan, I prefer the 100% plaid variety unless you meet my terms below!

 

PS; You do realise what a sensitive soul I am don't you?

Having my Scottish monetary generosity questioned really hurts.

PPS; Since its only 3/4 full I think you should pay me 1/4 of the original cost (plus inflation) plus 100% handling to take it plus transport packaging etc!  hen I can go and paint the town red or something.

What is this?  Some sort of kilt complex?

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

What is this?  Some sort of kilt complex?

Kuilty as charged.

Just remember than when asked the boring question "what's worn under your kilt" a Scotsman always answers rather proudly "nothing as everything is in perfect working order!"

Some other work/military leg pulls

sent for a     “long weight (wait) or “long stand”
                   “Sky hook”
                   “Milk for the SeaCat” (SeaCat- Naval missile system)
                   “Left handed screwdriver/hammer etc”
                   “Put “whatever” in Davy Jones locker (navy)
                   “Find the “golden rivet” (navy-involves bending over into a compromising position.
 

13 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Some other work/military leg pulls

sent for a     “long weight (wait) or “long stand”
                   “Sky hook”
                   “Milk for the SeaCat” (SeaCat- Naval missile system)
                   “Left handed screwdriver/hammer etc”
                   “Put “whatever” in Davy Jones locker (navy)
                   “Find the “golden rivet” (navy-involves bending over into a compromising position.
 

Or if you work with electrics / electronics:

 

A box of volts / bag of amps

And if the storeman was in on it, send the trainee (or most junior person) for some re-fuses.

Storeman then just says "No" and walks away.

18 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Some other work/military leg pulls

sent for a     “long weight (wait) or “long stand”
                   “Sky hook”
                   “Milk for the SeaCat” (SeaCat- Naval missile system)
                   “Left handed screwdriver/hammer etc”
                   “Put “whatever” in Davy Jones locker (navy)
                   “Find the “golden rivet” (navy-involves bending over into a compromising position.
 

I was sent to the stores one day for legitimate parts. Was told out of stock. Usually store keeper would issue an "Out of Stock" chit. When asked why no chit? "Out of stock"

While most puns make me feel numb, mathematics puns make me feel number.

 

I think they missed Hawaii.

 

 

Yes, she is a real person https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/medicine/2015/tu/facts/

 

3 minutes ago, Crossy said:

I think they missed Hawaii.

 

It's OK, I've found her:

And for our religious friends.

 

The 23rd Psalm, 2019 Version,

 

The big dude’s got me covered. I’m cool.
He’s down with me chilling on the lawn.
He points me toward a Starbucks.

I think I need to tell my wife not to put so much chili in my food.