5 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

I was sent to the stores one day for legitimate parts. Was told out of stock. Usually store keeper would issue an "Out of Stock" chit. When asked why no chit? "Out of stock"

I'd forgotten this true (honestly) event:

 

Working in Saudi, as an engineering supervisor, I ran out of order forms needed to order parts.

Went to the stores to replenish my stock of order forms and the affable but very pedantic Indian Storeman said "I'm sorry Sir, but I cannot issue you a pad of order forms if you do not fill in an order form to request it" 

Catch 22?

So I borrowed a pad of order forms from another supervisor, filled one in and under "Justification for Order" I wrote "Ordered in order to order more orders".

I got my order forms 

41 minutes ago, VBF said:

"Ordered in order to order more orders".

Were they in the correct order?

1 minute ago, scottiejohn said:

Were they in the correct order?

That's out of order ????

1 minute ago, VBF said:

That's out of order ????

Any more of this disorderly conduct and I will request an order for a side order of mirth!

3 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I've heard of rose tinted glasses but your apple glasses take the pip!

 

A New Zealand couple are having marital problems and go along to see the marriage counsellor. 
"Eternal triangle problem, is it?" asked the counsellor. 
"Don't worry, we can solve that. Why! it even happened to my marriage once." 
"Really," replied the couple, "what did you do?" 

"We ate the sheep." 
 

A woman comes home to find her husband crying his eyes out. 
"My goodness, what's wrong?" she asks. 
He looks up at her and says,

"Do you remember 15 years ago when I got you pregnant? Your father was so flaming' angry he said I had to marry you or go to jail?" 
"Yes, I remember," she replies,

"but why are you thinking of that now?" 

"Well, today is the day I would have been released!" 
 

Oxymorons?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever find it?

Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I never did like him. So arrogant, ignorant and foul mouthed.

A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm in Wales and he uses the farmhouse phone to call the recovery service.

 

While  he’s waiting he decides to play a trick on the farmer.

"I bet I can make your animals talk." he says.

 

"Animals don't talk" says the farmer.

 

The ventriloquist turns to a horse and asks, "So how does your master treat you?"

 

"Pretty well," says the horse, "he gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over - but he uses the whip too much”

 

"How about you?" the ventriloquist asks a dog, "is he good to you?"

"Yup," says the dog, "we play fetch and I get to sleep on the sofa, but he does sometimes kick me when he’s drunk”

"Let's see what this sheep has to say," says the ventriloquist.

 

"Wait!" yells the farmer "That sheep is a f#*#*ng liar!"

 

Apologies to any German readers!

A man sat at the end of the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer.
"You don't look so good, Bob. What's wrong?" asked the barman.
"It's the bloody wife," he moaned. "She makes my life so miserable, nag, nag, nag, all the time."
"Well, I've got a bit of advice," offered the barman. "There was a fellow in here not long ago who had the same problem and he was told that if he made love to his wife for five hours every night, she wouldn't be able to take the strain and within two months, she'd be dead."
"Was she?" asked Bob, with interest.
"You bet she was," replied the barman. So Bob went home and for the next six weeks he made love to his wife every night for five hours. One evening, he staggered into the bar looking 10 years older and completely knackered.
"How's it going?" asked the barman, looking concerned.

"Well, the wife may be smiling a lot more and enjoying life to the full, but I console myself with the knowledge that she's only got two more weeks to live."
 

The event made headline news in the local paper. 
"Man of 80 marries girl of 21." 
The man was in such great demand that it was arranged for him to hold a press conference when they returned from their honeymoon. 
"How often do you have sex?" shouted out one of the journalists. 
"Nearly every night," replied the man. 

"Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...…….
 

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Did you hear about the man who had "I love you" tattooed on his d*ck? 
That night in bed, he turned to his wife and said, "What do you think of this, Sal?"  
"There you go," she exclaimed,

 

"always trying to put words in my mouth." 
 

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

And the 10,000th ????

2 hours ago, fasteddie said:

And the 10,000th ????

Fell over on his multiple trip!