Spreadable !!
Spreadable !!

Like f#ck it is !!!

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning on a wall and can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
Walking up to the guy he asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his cheque book, hands the guy a cheque made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the cheque in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.
"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."

Mother Superior was talking to one of her young nuns. 
"Sister, if you were out late at night on your own and a man attacked you, what would you do?" 
"I would lift up my habit" she replied. 
"Goodness me, and then what would you do?" 
"I would tell him to drop his pants." 
"Oh, Lord! Save us!" uttered the shocked Mother Superior. 
"And then what?" 

"I would run away as fast as I could, and I can run much faster with my habit up, than he can with his trousers down." 

 

It was Saturday night and Ted and his two mates were all dressed up ready to paint the small town red. But first, Ted unexpectedly popped into church for confession. 
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I slept with a local woman who was not my wife." 
"I suppose it was Mary from the dairy." 
"No, Father." 
"Don't tell me it was Beth who is at the Kings Arms every evening?" 
"No, Father." 
"Then it must have been that brazen hussy from the newsagent's next door?" 
After the priest had given out the penance, Ted went back outside to meet his friends. He smiled at them, saying, 
"It's worked, lads, I've got the names of three ravers and at least one will be at the Kings Arms tonight!" 

Oxymorons

 

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 

 

Here are a few more fur you;

 

What did the cat think about wearing a dress? she was feline fine with it!
What is the cat wizard's name? Hairy Pawter 
Hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water at the sport stadium?  It set a new lap record. 
What is a cat’s favorite breakfast? Mice Krispies!

 

I’ll scratch around for some more and paws fur now!

Puts another meaning to the word “ weeding “ !!

Mother and baby !
What a wonderful sight !!

5 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Puts another meaning to the word “ weeding “ !!

Don't bogart that hedge my friend.....

Don't bogart that hedge my friend.....

No problem, I’ll share !!

You can cut the other side [emoji51]

Always worked for me at interviews !!

Kids !! I love ‘em !!
( couldn’t eat a whole one though )

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? "
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, sir!"

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire brigades miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire brigade of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the bloody brakes on that truck."

A new vicar had taken over at the small village church of St Gregory and he was eager to make a good impression. After the service, the congregation emerged from the church and each shook hands with the vicar. 
"Lovely sermon," said one. 
"It really made me stop and think," said another. 
All of a sudden, a rather scruffy man appeared and as he shuffled past he mumbled, "Load of <deleted>." 
Determined not to be affected by this, the vicar carried on greeting his parishioners. 
"Splendid sermon," they said, "thank you very much". 
"Quite inspiring." 
The vicar beamed gratefully. 
"Absolute crap, call himself a vicar?" came the mumbling of the scruffy man as he passed the vicar again after mixing with the congregation. This time, the vicar was more upset and the situation worsened as the man kept re-appearing and making comments. 
"Bored to tears", "not worth listening to", "what a prat!" 
The vicar could take it no longer. He turned to one of the congregation and pointed out the scruffy man and asked if she knew him. 
"Oh, you mustn't worry about old Ned, Vicar," said a kindly old woman. 

"He's not right in the head." 

"He just goes around repeating to the next person what everyone else has said to him last!"