Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

I got kicked off the pub quiz team last night. In a sudden death tie breaker, I shouted out the answer to "Where have most woman got short curly hair?" 

Who would have thought the correct answer was Africa?

20 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

@ExpatOilWorker:

 

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Personally, I'd drink the wine, but whatever gets you going.

As long as you don't kick the bucket i'll drink to that!

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Robin; "Batman, I'm bisexual"

Batman; "That's nothing, one of our enemies identifies as a Penguin"

Are you a real joker then?

1 hour ago, fangless said:

Are you a real joker then?

Now that's a riddle.

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

 

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

 

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.

"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"

 

John smiles and says "85".

16 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Now that's a riddle.

Don't get Catty!

????

.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

 

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

 

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

 

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

 

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

 

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

 

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

 

She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

 

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

 

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

 

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

 

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

 

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

 

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

 

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.

 

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

1 hour ago, ravip said:

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

 

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

 

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

 

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

 

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

 

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

 

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.

 

"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.

 

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

Ah! This is for fangless!