"Hello Bob, how did you get that black eye?" asked John. "In church. As we stood up to sing, a large lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her bum, so I pulled it out but all I got in the way of thanks was a black eye." 
The following week the two men met again and John was amazed to see Bob had now got two black eyes. 
"Don't tell me you got the other black eye in church as well?" 
he said. 
"Well that I did" said Bob. "I was in church with my son and when we got up to sing, the same woman had her dress stuck in the cheeks of her bum. Before I could stop him, my son had pulled the dress out. Now I know she didn't like that so I put it back in ... and that's when she hit me." 
 

Been there done that.... got the bad back to prove it !!

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.  Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.  Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals. On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.
"Good morning, sir. I'm a reporter from Life magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. I have a question for you. What was the greatest day in your life?"
The old man thinks for a while and then says, "Well...I remember the day when my neighbor's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for the darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk that we just took turns humping it under the lemon tree! We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating!"
The reported is dumbfound by what he just heard.
"Um that's an interesting story sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. What is the second greatest day in your life?"
"Let's see. Well i remember when my neighbor's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found her we were so drunk that we just took turns humping her under the lemon tree! We had a great time eating, drinking, and fornicating!"
"Listen sir! My magazine won't allow that story to be printed! How about some sad stories? What is the saddest day in your life?"
"Well...I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains..."

Not so much a joke as a WTH moment !!

 

 

No wonder they couldn't find any on walking street, they're all at the Robinson fair.

Certainly will !!

What a load of .... !!

He might even be wearing undercrackers !!

I never knew this [emoji848]

A very sod day for us all !!

Grandma is 88 years old and still drives her own car. She writes to her Grand-daughter...

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus! 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!  
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must've been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love,
Grandma

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

 

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

 

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
 

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I never knew this 

As Moses was listening to God and used two separate tablets all at the same time to down the commandments does this not prove that Moses was a multitasker and therefore a female?

PS; Let the bitching begin!

It’s all in the wrist action !!

Yup, know the feeling !!

53 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

It’s all in the wrist action !!

I've always avoided that 'finger through paper' "Amateur" version.

I've always avoided that 'finger through paper' "Amateur" version.

I worked with a guy for many years who’s favourite joke was :

“ got my hole last night “ grinning and rubbing his hands together !!
“ finger went through the toilet paper “ [emoji20]


It was funny at first but after hearing it once a week for 30 years it wore a bit thin !!
( kind of like the amateur @&$e wipe ) ????

Well I bought a new stick deodorant and it said “ remove cap and push up bottom “ .
So , I did just that and now it hurts when I walk but the room smells lovely when I fart “ !!



But wait a minute ! how did it know I was wearing a cap ??