A true news story:

 

A man attempted to siphon gas from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose. He got more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gas, but he plugged his siphon hose into the sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

58 minutes ago, fangless said:

What do you get when you cross:- A cheetah and a hamburger? Fast food. 
 

I thought it would be spotted Dick, but your answer cleared things up.

Why dont Vegans moan during sex ?

 

They"re affraid to admit that some meat makes them happy ! ????????

 

Why are Hurricaines named after women ?

They are wild n wet when they come, and take your house and car when they leave !  ????????

I had cause to go into a pharmacy the other day.

 

The Pharmacist said " Can I help you"?

 

I said "Do you have cotton wool balls?"

 

He said "What do you think I am, a teddy bear?"

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I thought it would be spotted Dick, but your answer cleared things up.

No problem, I always like to give you food for thought, some with a bit of meat in it and others just to spice up your life!!

WARNING:  A post with a video using profane language has been removed. 

On 10/20/2021 at 8:40 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

Is the delivery charge included in the card price?

3 minutes ago, ravip said:

Is the delivery charge included in the card price?

Stamp these comments out now or you will be getting your cards!

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.
"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

 

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him.

 

They return to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins... nothing... The vendor has a good memory.

 

"What now?" he asks, a bit annoyed at the repeat activity.

She looks at the man, holding his gaze and carefully says "I. Wanna. Get. WEIGHED."

 

He ends the date right there and storms off.

 

Dejected, the girl goes home to her roommate, who asks, "How was your date?"

She throws the stuffed animal to the ground and shouts, "Wousy!"