15 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

That was tailor made to get me in stitches!

 

I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore

He said "Fine, suit yourself"

Tailoring competitions always end in a tie as they have it collared!

I asked a tailor to make me suit.

He did such a bad job of it I ended having to go to the retailer!

Moses I
It is the first round of negotiations between Moses and God;

Before long Moses can’t stand it any longer.

He bursts out, ‘Am I hearing you right, God?"

"The Arabs get all the oil and all we get is to cut the ends off our what?"
 

Moses II
Finally, the negotiations are concluded. Moses comes down from the Mount to speak to the gathered Israelites crowding around him.
‘I have good news and I have bad news!’ he says.
‘What is the good news?’ the crowd chimes.
‘I have negotiated with God and I have him down to just ten commandments!’
An uproar of cheering breaks out: ‘Hooray!’, ‘Hip-hip, hurrah!’, ‘Good on you, Moses!’, ‘Moses is the man!’.
And then, when the cheering has subsided a little, another voice from the back calls out.

‘And what is the bad news, Moses?’
‘Well …’ Moses says, suddenly appearing crestfallen.

 

‘I am afraid the one on adultery stays in.’
  
 

What goes 
clip clop clip clop, bang,
clip clop clip clop, bang,
clip clop clip clop, bang,?
An Amish drive-by shooting
 

Life in the Australian Army
Dear Mum and Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’! Ya haz gotta shower, though, but it’s not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky, ya get cereal, fruit and eggs, but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez, it’s only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!
This one will kill me brothers with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of cake! You don’t even load your own cartridges. They comes in little boxes and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo-shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes, ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got. I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s six foot five and fifteen stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only five foot seven and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
 

Chat-up Line:- I’m an adventurer and I want to explore you.
 

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

You have let your mind wander, and it hasn’t come back yet. 
 

46 minutes ago, fangless said:

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;

You have let your mind wander, and it hasn’t come back yet. 
 

Well, let us know when it has.