6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Can't wait to see the wife's face light up at christmas.
I've bought her a torch.

Whatever turns you both on!   

8 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Science Fact -
If you took all the veins out of your body and laid them end to end,
you would die.

Bleedin waste of time doin it then!

But then on another vein!

10 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

If anyone want to know how to see without glasses,
I've got some good contacts.

Although I'm not sure if I will be seeing them anytime soon!

13 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I like the chemistry between them but how long did it take to cobble them together?

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.
At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "Oh that's a moose!"

The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried,

 

"Holy cow! How big are the cats?!"
 

What follows two eyes at sea?
Captain.
 

What country makes you shiver?

 

- Chile. 
 

 
 Little Johnny said: ‘Mom, you know that lovely vase in the dining room that’s been handed down from generation to generation?’ 
 ‘Yes. What about it?’ 
 ‘Well, the last generation just dropped it.’ 
 

Good Ol’ Boys
Two good ol’ boys in a Tennessee trailer park are sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
One says to the other, ‘If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you were off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?’
The other guy scratches his head, develops a look of deep thought on his face and after a couple of minutes answers,

 

‘Well, I don’t know about kin, but it sure would make us even.’

TODAY’s DAILY INSULT;
 Your inferiority complex is totally justified. 

Chat-up Line:-"Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them"
 

8 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

It's Back to Black and some Rehab for you ????

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "Well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job… what happened there?".

 

The guy says "Oh, I went to Yale".

 

The employer: "Oh great!! Well, you're hired, you start Monday"

 

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

1 hour ago, roo860 said:

Deer me!  Thought for the day; Can a joke be considered to be in bad taste if it tastes good?