What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
 

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
 An elfcicle!
 

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
 

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!
 

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
 

A shy young man is drinking in a crowded bar when a gorgeous young woman walks in. She is obviously alone, so, summoning all his courage, the young fella approaches her and says sheepishly, ‘Excuse me, miss, would you like to have a drink with me?’
To his horror, the young lady immediately jumps up from her chair and loudly proclaims, ‘Have sex with you? You want me to have sex with you?’
‘No, no,’ he whispers in consternation. ‘I only asked if you would like to have a drink with me.’

In a state of huge embarrassment, he then retreats to the back of the lounge.
After a few minutes, the girl picks up her drink, purposefully walks across the lounge and sits down beside the young man. She quietly explains, ‘I hope I didn’t cause you too much embarrassment just then. I’m a student of psychology and just wanted to gauge everyone’s reaction to that situation.’
The young bloke, in reply, immediately jumps in the air and shouts at the top of his voice,

 

‘What? Two thousand dollars?’
 

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

None cause Och! It's no that dark!
 

A woman asks her husband, ‘Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?’
He declines. ‘Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,’ he says. ‘It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.’
At lunchtime, she offers him more tasty morsels. ‘A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, a cheese sandwich?’
He declines. ‘It’s the Viagra,’ he says.
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. ‘Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?’
He declines again. ‘No,’ he says, ‘It’s still the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.’

‘Well,’ she says, ‘Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving.’

I've just bought a guard dog and he's really good,
I haven't been able to get inside my house for the past three days.

I was reading a magazine in the dentist waiting room today and I was surprised to find out Ford have stopped production of the Cortina and are launching the Sierra.

Thought for the day:
You are not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

It is claimed the Mark Zuckerberg, the inventor of Facebook, puts a plain grey T shirt on each morning because he does not want to waste time.
Who says Americans don't do irony?

Breaking News.
Reports are coming in that Diane Abbott was spotted arriving at the No10 xmas party carrying Easter eggs.

It tells you a lot about the state of politics in the UK when you're more likely to be ousted by a Christmas party than the Labour party.

I've just been invited to this year's RNLI bash at their HQ.
The last one I went to was absolutely fantastic.
They certainly know how to push the boat out...

If there was a pish-up at No 10 last Christmas it’s very unlikely Boris organised it.

Because, well, you know...

 

 

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him, "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He says, "No girl, that is no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker, "Come on, what have you got to lose, we can give it a try!?"
They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.
"Oh my goodness," says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!"
Says the old man, "Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible."

The surgeon who performed my brain operation has completely botched it.

I've half a mind to sue the hospital

I was thinking of having a tattoo for Christmas this year,
but I don't like bagpipes and my gardens not big enough.

I just can't understand why Christmas is always in December when the shops are crowded.
If they had it in February there would be a far fewer people in the shops.

Had some good news from the doctor today.
I was convinced I was suffering from severe depression,
but he says I just have a fairly realistic worldview.

One week in and Alec Baldwin has still killed more than the Omicron variant!

Barry the builder was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!"

As he went back she said the next room was to be red. The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!"

Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan." And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!"

The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but you always yell 'Green side up'.  What do you say that for?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Australian lads laying the turf out front.

Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."
"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"P*** off you ******* idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and Chips, please."
"Certainly sir." I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"P*** off you ******* idiot." He snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

AH! the joys of a captive audience!

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

If there was a pish-up at No 10 last Christmas it’s very unlikely Boris organised it.

Because, well, you know...

 

 

I didn't know that No10 qualified as a brewery!

12 minutes ago, fangless said:

AH! the joys of a captive audience!

Are you speaking with conviction?