My foreign fiancé keeps saying that he is buying me from my parents

[balo]

I smell something that starts with a T.   

 

[Monomial]

I scanned through the responses and didn't see the answer to this. Can the OP just explain again, why can you not simply display the sin sot for the wedding and then return it? That is what everyone I know does. They show a few hundred thousand baht (borrowed). Fake gold. Fake diamond ear rings. Put it all out on display and make a big deal about how much it is. Then, at the end of the party, it all goes back.  Parents save face, no money changes hands. Nobody knows the gold necklace cost 200 baht. The bride and groom pay for the wedding party together, which is usually pretty expensive, but weddings usually are, even in the West. In Thailand, no expensive diamond ring is necessary, so he can use that money to pay for the wedding party instead.

 

Tell him even in Western culture the ring should cost 2 months salary. Put that money towards the party and use a plastic engagement ring instead.

 

I guess I just don't understand why you two can't sit down and hammer out a compromise here. It is not like wedding customs are that different really. The important things are the same. They are between 2 people who care for each other, and they are always more expensive than you want them to be, culture be damned. You just need to explain to your parents that they won't be getting the sin sot. It will be displayed, they'll be no loss of face, but they can't keep it. That isn't the way it is done in the West. In exchange, your new husband needs to understand that there are no social safety nets in Thailand, and that by marrying into a Thai family he accepts the responsibility to help care for your parents.  The two pieces are inseparable. He can't have you without the obligations that come with you. If you had huge student loans and credit card debt in the West and got married, he would inherit your debt as well. That is part of who you are. Caring for your parents is just another form of debt.

 

Maybe I am missing something. Or maybe I have just grown used to fighting with my wife over these things and they don't seem so intractable any more....

 

Stop beating around the bush and address the elephant in the room. Money problems are one of the biggest causes of divorce. Better learn how to deal with it now or there is very little hope for you guys.

 

 

 

 

[NanLaew]

16 hours ago, SheungWan said:

Girl should run unless she has a complete picture of the guy's CV and what he has been doing the last 10 years and it all pans out. Good luck.

Pregnant ladies shouldn't run though.

[NanLaew]

4 hours ago, Monomial said:

Tell him even in Western culture the ring should cost 2 months salary. Put that money towards the party and use a plastic engagement ring instead.

Sad bloke doesn't have a job though so, like a diamond, that plastic ring may be forever.

[poohy]

17 hours ago, Nyezhov said:

I like Millwall because of their Motto. Im a Yank, therefore I am Man U!

Its suddenly got much worse than i thought!

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

11 hours ago, Monomial said:

If you had huge student loans and credit card debt in the West and got married, he would inherit your debt as well.

 

Maybe by choice, but not as a matter of law...

 

At least in the U.S., and even in Thailand, pre-existing debts prior to a marriage remain the legal obligation of the individual person that incurred them.... They don't suddenly become the other spouse's obligation -- at least in legal terms -- just because they married someone.

 

[Bangel72]

Its worth considering how you would feel if you were adapting to another custom that the wife's family pay for everything.

How would your family react to that approach, would they be okay with that?

I suspect they may view that as absurd, which is fine but is a good gauge to see how others view sin sod because for many it is also absurd.

Simple solution here is if you are more financially stable than your partner at the moment that you pay the sin sod yourself, thereby saving the face of the cultural gift on sin sod at the wedding without putting pressure on someone you love to go down a path that they feel is absurd.

Also ask your parents to return part of the money after the wedding, if they are not looking for financial gain from the wedding this should not be an issue.

There is though a separate aspect 'is he capable of caring and looking after you' which these days is much more of as a family do you earn enough between you to make the family a success, that's a fair question but the sin sod does not really answer that question so treat that question separately. 

[Vacuum]

Quote

I am not from a wealthy family, I am just fortunate enough to get the grant that covered all the education and expenses during my two-year time abroad

 

Quote

We live together in a small condo that I paid for the down payment myself and I am paying off the monthly credit still.

 

Quote

We will have quite a big wedding with about 200 guests coming. And I have already paid 150k in advance for organizing it.

 

Just curious. Where did you get all this money from?

[ukrules]

Firstly I don't believe you but even if this were true there is a simple solution.

 

Pay for it yourself.

[DrTuner]

19 hours ago, Enki said:

So, you fail to grasp that a Sin Sod and a Dowry are the exact opposite?

No, I grasp that western women you have to pay to get rid of, Thais you have to pay to get.

 

No such thing as free lunch.

[nasa123]

https://youtu.be/foGtGPc27kk

Don't forget David some can't afford his young thai fiancé Annie.

[hello55060]

An obvious troll and wind up post has generated 7 pages, you must be pleased with yourself OP.

 

Interesting approach. 

[Thai style]

Wow your fiancé sounds like a real douche. I would be so disappointed if my daughter married a schmuck like that. You have a masters degree and you put up with that how embarrassing. I always admired university degrees since I am not formally educated. As far as sin sod I thought it was strange but I played along. I chose the number for tradition sake and most paid for our modest wedding and the rest was offered back to me. I didn’t even care I like my mother in law so much I bought her 8 rai and built her a beautiful home. Happy wife happy life sa bai sa bai! Back to the OP Run Forrest Run!!!

[realenglish1]

This is a clash of cultures A western man sees giving money to parents as paying for the daughter However Thais see it as respect.

I understand both sides

Having said that I was never asked for sin sod for my wife of 12 years Maybe they were happy to get rid of her (joke)

[elgenon]

Yes, drop him. Things will not get better after marriage and he will have rights to what you make and invest. I don't think he knows what love is.

[realenglish1]

On 1/17/2019 at 2:51 AM, Monomial said:

Tell him even in Western culture the ring should cost 2 months salary. Put that money towards the party and use a plastic engagement ring instead.

 

This is a terrible argument This "2 months salary" is the result of a marketing campaign (very successful) by DeBeers corporation to sell more diamonds Nothing more nothing less It is not cultural it is a business ploy. How do I know? I am a gemologist and studied this aspect of the Diamond market.

 

 This is not a cultural thing this is a marketing ploy by De Beers Diamonds out of South Africa Please check your facts again These are the facts

[1FinickyOne]

On 1/16/2019 at 12:26 PM, BobbyL said:

in English so succinctly. 

not bad yourself..

[wwest5829]

Cross cultural issue is one thing. Sorry, not enough time together with him here in Thailand. IToo late for you now, I'm afraid. "Thailand fever" is a decent source for Thai-Farang couples who want to understand each other. Ha! It was interesting to watch an ex gf face as we talked about culture difference where the girl's parents pay for the wedding and there was no sin sod. All I can do is wish you well. He clearly does not understand Thai culture and...well, your study, evidently, did not include learning the differences withThai culture. His comment about "buying" you from your parents drives the point home, unfortunately.

 

[kingstonkid]

western culture had a form of sin sod.  If you go back to the native American Indians it was normal for the brave to have to give a present or gifts to the parents for their daughter.

 

I think also in England and in Canada, it was normal to give something to the parents a long time ago.

 

The sin sod is an old custom. It has it's roots in the country.  

 

If the op is here I have a couple of questions.

 

Are you getting married because of the child you are carrying or because you love the child you are living with?

 

Second why if he has a Masters degree is he not working while doing his PHd and do you think he will with his attitude be able to find work here.

 

My recommendation to you is that you sit down with your mom and dad.  You tell them everything and make a decision.  It is better now to lose a little face than to lose more and a lot of money when you get tired of looking after 2 babies.

 

For the record,  If I ever have to pay a sin sod then I will, in fact, make the joke that I am buying my wife BUT it will be in jest and it will not be continuous or used in anger.

 

[allanos]

1 hour ago, realenglish1 said:

This is a terrible argument This "2 months salary" is the result of a marketing campaign (very successful) by DeBeers corporation to sell more diamonds Nothing more nothing less It is not cultural it is a business ploy. How do I know? I am a gemologist and studied this aspect of the Diamond market.

 

 This is not a cultural thing this is a marketing ploy by De Beers Diamonds out of South Africa Please check your facts again These are the facts

 

Arguably, a better marketing campaign was "diamonds are forever"!

 

Only a relatively minor percentage of the worldwide diamond market is mined in South Africa, these days.  And De Beers does not enjoy the market dominance it once had. I speak under correction that it probably now supplies around 55-60% of the market now, with Russia accounting for much of the balance.

 

De Beers sold out to Anglo-American a number of years ago, and whose headquarters shifted to London back in the 1990's.

[baansgr]

21st century...sin sods are very rarely expected these days unless from an ageing braindead Foreigner and what is paid is usually given back to the young couple to help start their life together. Any parent no matter how poor that expects money for their daughters hand in marriage is nothing more than an uncaring money grabbing sloth. As for the OP, she should explain to her parents that taking money so they can probably put a deposit on the latest pick up and look good among the village, they should not expect anything as their is a newborn arriving...God what parents can do this to their child and grand child....I pity the poor boyfriend

[Ulic]

100k is a pittance. Your future husband should be ashamed. This is only a token amount. Being pregnant you have crossed the Rubicon. As a mid 30's PHD candidate I hope his field is in something useful. Sounds like a perpetual student crybaby to me. I hope that things work out for the best but he sounds like a loser to me. Best of luck to you. 

[puukao]

Gets a PhD so he can avoid working and then complains about money and everything that is real life.  really the worst loser, and will be nothing but problems forever.  Take his money and leave him as soon as he buys you a house.  No kids.  I repeat, no kids.  and get a boyfriend on the side. this guy is an embarrassment to himself and others.  

 

reading the OP's letter, lots of phrases seem to be American-specific.  interesting.  some of the slang even seems to originate from America.  But i digress.

 

take his 100,000, gold, make him buy that house ASAP.  he will learn a valuable lesson about life.  why marry such a guy anyhow?  tell him to be a real man and pay 1 million.  are you not worth 1 million?  

 

Note:  oh, you are pregnant already?  OMG.......  OK, have the kid in his country and get him to pay child support for 18 years.  

[chuang]

Think no more get rid of him for your own good. He won't able to support you.,just a parasite. 

[MadMuhammad]

On 1/16/2019 at 2:08 PM, wgdanson said:

In WHERE?  lol . Sorry, but not a single grammar mistake... it's too good.

My ex thai gf was studying her masters in Melboourne for 3 years and wrote at a high level in a very similar vein to this. it is possible and I'm a believer.

[atyclb]

tv forum fiction creators have reached the peak of imagination

 

 

and posters even try to offer advice

[Ridler]

This is 2019, surely paying a dowry; a bride price is outdated and a bit backward. 

[Jimbo1964]

Your finance doesn't seem very supportive or understanding of Thai customs. He seems rather selfish and self centered if you ask me.  

You paid the deposit on your home and make the ongoing payments

Your paying for the wedding

You work and he doesn't 

Your paying medical costs

He can't scrape together 100k baht for the Sin Sod, which he agreed to

He's unemployed because he HAS to be here with you !! Really....... he said that !!

Making comments that he will OWN you

It doesn't sound like he's making any effort to learn Thai language or Thai culture, he actually sounds like a freeloading Cheap Charlie. 

 

Just what does he contribute to your relationship? Do you really want to marry a person like this? If you have these doubts now and he is already hurting you with these comments, then don't go down that path.

[BTB1977]

I would wait another 5 months and get married in front of all those people you invited when you are as big as a house. And no one will even be looking at or care how much sin sod he paid. The sin sod goes away if the bride is not a virgin and has a lot of miles on her. Seems you both have something in common. Neither one of you are a great catch.

[NoshowJones]

On 1/16/2019 at 12:49 PM, scorecard said:

Well maybe you didn't pay any sin sod, but keep in mind it's very normal in Thailand.

 

My guess is that sin sod happens in 99% of weddings, it's normal, it's standard.

 

Because you didn't pay doesn't mean that's normal. 

I would love to see a poll about what percentage of Farangs married to a Thai girl, paid the Sin Sot.

I bet it is a lot less than half.