Formal gifts to Thai parents on marriage to daughter

[notrub]

My GF and I will be getting married this year.  I have already built a house and pool etc. etc., her a new car and all the rest.  I have an usufruct on the 3 rai of land that I paid for and built our house on.  I am 71 she is 55 (grown son) and divorced many years ago (I have seen the confirmation papers).  My 2 children are adults and have been provided for.

 

We have been together for about 5 years, get along, she has a nice (poor) farming family and well thought of in the village.  I am recently divorced and have the paperwork on the way.  I am OK for money for my visa etc. but I also have a small UK pension payable to my wife on my death.  My GF will get this if we are married, otherwise it just stops on my death.  The visa issues will be easier too I suppose.  I have spent about 3 or 4 million on the house and land which she will get on my death, of course.

 

What are the formalities about giving the parents money and handing over some gold?  I told my GF that she can have some gold or I will build her family (mum, dad, sister&husband, nieces etc,) a new house that will cost about 1.5M THB.  But not both.  

 

I hear about farang giving 2 to 300,000 THB and/or a lump of gold to the family on top of paying for the celebration.  This seems to be a point of honour.

 

On the gold subject, where is the best place to buy rings and other similar, small, items?

 

I have gone along with the blessings for house building and other 'donations' but this marriage payment is not clear to me.  What is the skinny on that?  We are in a rural village in Isaan, Buriram province.

 

What other obligations might be lurking around the corner?  I am not a wealthy guy, but we have enough for a good, modest life.  I am not keen on providing whiskey and food for a thousand people, however.  I don't even drink anymore!

 

Any thoughts and comments will be welcome, Thank you.

 

 

[CharlieH]

There are NO formalities, its a personal choice and what works for your relationship, its your money, your choice. 

 

There are those that paid NOTHING, there are those that paid different sums, there is no one size fits all in such procedures, its up to you.

But there is no way I would have done what you have, but, each to their own.

[Puchaiyank]

You have been most generous to your Thai companion...trust your investment will pay dividends for your comfortable and happy future...Good Luck!   ????

[The Man Who Sold the World]

not rub - as stated above there is no set rules.

 

When we got married 25 years ago I gave my wife a months salary in cash and told her that was it. Worked well for me, two ceremonies Thai Buddhist with chanting Monks in AM western reception at hotel with music and thai traditional dancers in PM. 

 

Big show of the gold and money donated to the father, used to pay for the reception.

 

Up to you, but, I would approach it by setting a "limit". What can you comfortably afford? then adjust down a bit.

 

 

 

[riclag]

I'm 66 and she is 44.I have built the house,sent one daughter to 4 years of university, and bought the new car,motorbike for us and her 2 daughters .We have been together eight years ,she has accumulated 200k in gold.

 

I just got married in August. She asked for 50k to have a party for her daughters graduation,new house celebration.

I think its reasonable to think I have given more then enough!

I will not give money to the parents nor should you.

Make it known to her. Especially with the exchange rate being what it is. Money is tight ,now

[Matzzon]

35 minutes ago, Puchaiyank said:

You have been most generous to your Thai companion...trust your investment will pay dividends for your comfortable and happy future...Good Luck!   ????

Yeah, he will definately need a lot of luck. I send a good luck too.

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, notrub said:

My GF and I will be getting married this year.  I have already built a house and pool etc. etc., her a new car and all the rest.  I have an usufruct on the 3 rai of land that I paid for and built our house on.  I am 71 she is 55 (grown son) and divorced many years ago (I have seen the confirmation papers).  My 2 children are adults and have been provided for.

I gave up after the first paragraph.

You paid already too much!

[tifino]

but her folks would still have the SinSot from her first time around!

 

 - be interesting to bring that up... to see their reaction to being found out!

 

 

and become an enemy of the estate, for the sake of keeping them honest

 

[Matzzon]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I gave up after the first paragraph.

You paid already too much!

You forgot the good luck. You know he need it.

[WalkingOrders]

I am in a similiar situation  I have not built a house as nice as you, but have spent close to 10k US on new Thai style home in rural Issan, and some smaller gifts along the way, and small support. We have been together 3 years , and like you, are in process of gathering paperwork, will be done by end of the month  in fact just waiting for flood water to go down before heading to Ubon.  Her parents have never asked me for a dime. They know I have helped them much, and they never would even think of asking me for any money or gold. They accept anything I give with humility. Good salt of the earth people.

[AlexRRR]

She @ 55 with kid, the older worth less....kids worth even less, she should be paying you to marry her.

[1FinickyOne]

As to the wedding and sin sot get some guidance from your GF... it need not be a lot but if the parents are nice people and poor, think of it as a charitable gift. 

3 hours ago, notrub said:

This seems to be a point of honour.

There is usually a lot of talk in the village but if you are building houses and such, you will be looked upon admirably. At that age, not much sin sod will be expected... just part of the ceremony though. You might even work a deal where you present them with 200k for the ceremony and then it is applied to building a home as you have mentioned... 

 

My wife is from a small village and we have helped her family along through the years. They are wonderful people and I consider them my family too. Through 20 years we have shared good times and difficult illnesses and all approached as a family. I am glad that I have had the ability and opportunity to help through the years. 

 

That said, keep enough for yourself to be secure too... 

 

A Thai lady cannot be happy drinking wine out of fine crystal while her mother is drinking from a coconut shell... old saying. 

 

good luck to you. 

[The Fat Controller]

Have you actually discussed the matter with your future wife and if you have, what are her and her parents' expectations ?

 

If you give gold, it is very likely to be sold or pawned as soon as cash is needed.

 

Do they actually want a new house ?

 

As for the spouse's pension, you are very likely to have to marry officially at the amphur for your wife to be a beneficiary, with a trip or two to Bangkok to get the correct paperwork.

 

My pension scheme required sight of the wedding certificate and my wife's birth certificate, along with certified translations of them both.

 

They would only actually be needed as proof of our marriage on my demise, but we have done it in advance to save any issues with sending documents 6000 miles.

 

For the "village" wedding, showing a gift of gold and cash is traditional and will make your in-laws happy.

 

When I did that, we put a considerable sum on the table, however it was already agreed it was just for show and was returned to my wife's bank the same day.

 

Mother-in-law was happy without the amount of "face" gained that day.

 

 

 

 

[Ireland32]

Get a membership card at Aurora Gold Shops all over Thailand, they give you points , discounts, good price on trading up

[stephehr]

They should be giving you gifts for taking her off your hands.  You are probably the same age as her parents or very close.  Why would you give anything that is stupid. Don't forget everything belongs to her not you well half and half except the land which is hers.  Ha Ha  

[canuckamuck]

My in-laws got <deleted>-all from me. My wife still gets mad if I give the old guy a 20. But I did move on to their property several years ago and they benefit continually from my close proximity.

[Momofarang]

Considering her age and your respective divorcee situations, if I was you, I would limit any donation at the time of marriage to the strict minimum. My wife was 32, had education, gave me two daughters, so I helped my in laws to build their new house.

Remains the question of the formal "village" marriage; do it if you can accept to be a dressed up monkey for two days. I didn't, just could get over that kind of aholed situation.  Just spent a couple of hours at the Banrak office to register our legal marriage.

Now once your are settled in, helping your in laws, as needed, case by case and as you feel will make a lot more sense.

[merlen10002]

Farangs do not know their worth, it is very difficult for a Thai lady to catch a good Farang, one that has money is decent and has respect, most try for years with no success, I have been married twice, first marriage for 4 years had  business that she worked in and got her salary,  but the marriage did not work cost me a small amount to settle we are still very good friends, paid no SinSot never knew  about Sin Sot she never spoke about it,  I never ever gave her family money, was never asked for money by her family. we married in Australia my friend arranged the wedding in his home and paid for everything . 

Second marriage was in north east Thailand , Bung Kan , very good looking 48 year old nice lady , was asked for Sin Sot I told her I would pay for the wedding cost 40,000 B for everything, but no SinSot or money for her family ever, I agreed to pay for her daughter's Uni cost and living expense of 6,000 B per month that lasted for two and a half years, was never asked for money by the family or gave them money ever, she was the best person I ever knew but sadly she died of Asbestos's at 56.

Many Thai ladies will want to be with a good farang with or with out marriage most just want be taken care of, most that want big SinSot and money each month are gold diggers .

If you have money and want to pay Sinsot that is your business, up to you, if you want tp look after the family up to you, I am just saying you can find good ladies with out Sinsot and monthly payments to the family. it is a thousand times harder to find  good Farang than a good Thai lady, many many good ladies out there.     

 

[Tayaout]

You are very generous. My wife is educated, no previous children and 26 years old. Her family got 50K baht. I regularly buy seeds, farming tools, cooking tools, electronics and home furniture for the family but nothing too fancy. 

 

Gold is overatted and even more Thai gold. Only usefull if <deleted> hit the fan. I prefer to buy only functional stuff over face stuff. I would invest in land and livestock before gold. 

[sandyf]

16 hours ago, CharlieH said:

There are NO formalities, its a personal choice and what works for your relationship, its your money, your choice. 

 

Thai weddings are full of tradition or one might say formalities, and one of those formalities is exchanging gifts.

 

To the OP. I have been to more weddings than I care to remember, only 3 involved a foreigner and one of them was myself, and take it from me there is a wide range of formats so you will get a wide range of opinion. I even went to one without any monks, couple already had a child and parents were embarrassed.

What you need to remember it is all a matter of show, the wife's parents wanting to show to all the family and neighbours how well the daughter has done. It is up to you and your wife to determine how much of a show you can afford to put on. One of the "gifts" will be a sum of money, in this area it is normal for the parents to return the money to the couple but I wouldn't hold my breath on that in other parts. As for the cost of the wedding there is very little chance of escaping that so you really need to agree with your wife a limit on numbers, one of the easiest face saving ways on that is to choose a prestigious venue with limited capacity. Good luck.

[justin case]

17 hours ago, notrub said:

I have an usufruct on the 3 rai of land that I paid for and built our house on

 

worthless at divorce

[Alainpm]

2 hours ago, Momofarang said:

Considering her age and your respective divorcee situations, if I was you, I would limit any donation at the time of marriage to the strict minimum. My wife was 32, had education, gave me two daughters, so I helped my in laws to build their new house.

Remains the question of the formal "village" marriage; do it if you can accept to be a dressed up monkey for two days. I didn't, just could get over that kind of aholed situation.  Just spent a couple of hours at the Banrak office to register our legal marriage.

Now once your are settled in, helping your in laws, as needed, case by case and as you feel will make a lot more 

Right things to do. 

[Almer]

17 hours ago, CharlieH said:

There are NO formalities, its a personal choice and what works for your relationship, its your money, your choice. 

 

There are those that paid NOTHING, there are those that paid different sums, there is no one size fits all in such procedures, its up to you.

But there is no way I would have done what you have, but, each to their own.

My thoughts only,  

1, a village girl never worked in Phuket etc, a promise to the family to look after her is sufficient.

2, a 50 year old grandmother, a promise to the family to look after her is sufficient.9

After living with my 50 year old Thai ladyfriend in the UK for 5 years we decided to sell up and come to Los, the plan to buy/build a house and all the trimmings, all good so far.

Within a couple of visits to family, Son Sid came into the conversation, my reply was it is sat on your drive and has been carring building materials all day for our new house and tomorrow it going to the bank to arrange a pension for my partner and that is it, no Son Sid, well guys if you are fed up with the guests at your house you can clear it in 10 minutes if the Son Sid doesn't go the way your partners family want, but it proved of course the standing you have in the family or i should say do not have, it wasn't until they wanted to borrow money that they started speaking again, and yes i loaned them no interest 50.000 and you guessed right they never paid it back but they have not and will not ever come to our house again

[Almer]

1 hour ago, Tayaout said:

You are very generous. My wife is educated, no previous children and 26 years old. Her family got 50K baht. I regularly buy seeds, farming tools, cooking tools, electronics and home furniture for the family but nothing too fancy. 

 

Gold is overatted and even more Thai gold. Only usefull if <deleted> hit the fan. I prefer to buy only functional stuff over face stuff. I would invest in land and livestock before gold. 

If things go wrong you can carry gold you cant do much with a piece of land

[mlmcleod]

Why am I reminded that a fool and his money are soon parted?

 

In Thailand, no matter how respectful, it is a sworn duty to soak the farang for every available baht.  I know your future in-laws are fine upstanding people but in Thailand that has a completely different meaning when dealing with foreigners.

 

They should expect nothing and be happy that you have already provided for their daughter.  They should still have the original sinsod from her first marriage.  There should be no expectation of more.

 

Bet of luck!

[kensisaket]

The fact that you have money does not mean you have to support half of her village.  I'm sorry; but, in my world you get one bite of the sinsod apple; and, that happens with your first marriage. Not to mention her parents have to be well into their 70's/80's. There is no way they are expecting another windfall. The rest of the family might me; but, her parents no way. Just remember this, any money/gold you give her parents will be gone in less than a month by money grabbing, no working; and, pretty much all around worthless relatives.  If you want to do anything for her parents agree to give them 5-10k baht per month; but, forget about that lump sum BS.  They don't need a 2 million baht house. They have an established lifestyle that you can make better by upgrading their existing house (new roof, hot water, new toilet etc.) As long as you have been together you should have enough experience with her family to know that for the most part the only time you see them they have their hand out.  Few if any will ever stop by to see how you are doing or to just say hello.  One last thing, a friend of mine recently died.  His wife died about 3 months later.  People came out of the woodwork to attend her funeral, including her ex-Thai husband. Let them fight after you're gone. Spend your money on your happiness.  

[Tbone999]

The Sin Sot payment is only for young girls who have never been married. There is no requirement to pay anything as she has already been married. Any showing of money / gold is just for show and not to embarrass the family in front of the guests. Any money received at the reception from guests is normally "kept aside" to use as donation gifts to other weddings in the future. You'd be a fool to spend all that cash on her parents, keep it for yourself, you'll never know when you will need it. As for the reception, book a place where booze is paid for by themselves, only offer the food part. Otherwise you'll be broke by the time they'll have finished.

[digger70]

An average middle-class, university-educated Thai lady deserves a dowry of 100,000- 300,000 baht. A dowry of a million baht for an uneducated lady of modest means is just ridiculous. Thai dowry prices fall drastically if your bride-to-be has been previously married, already has children, or is not a virgin anymore.  ????

[Skallywag]

19 hours ago, notrub said:

I am 71 she is 55 (grown son) and divorced many years ago (I have seen the confirmation papers).  My 2 children are adults and have been provided for.

 

I have spent about 3 or 4 million on the house and land which she will get on my death, of course.

 

What are the formalities about giving the parents money and handing over some gold? 

Save your money to get them caretakers or they will be moving in with you soon!  Unless you want that.

Mid-late 70's is pretty old for farmers 

[sawadee1947]

Sorry but I wouldn't pay a penny considering what you did already for this family. 

And...... For second hand at that age I suppose you don't need to give anything to the parents. Maybe the other way round??? (just joking) ????