My wife loves more her relatives than me

[Lacrimas]

I'm mentally struggling a lot after my wife loaned some of our money to her cousin (100k) to help finance her business. I told her I didn't like the idea before she loaned and that I was against it but her cousin pressured her a lot and one day my wife was gone and in the evening she came back and told me she gave the money to her cousin. 

 

Of course, this cousin was supposed to give us back the money 2 days ago but she hasn't mentioned it at all these days and my wife won't ask her even if I'm asking her to do it.

 

I don't know what to do, I explained her that we are not in the position to lend money to anyone even if we do have a few million in the bank. We don't know what the future holds and we have 2 small kids. 

 

I feel she prioritizes her family over me all the time and she doesn't care about me. What should I do? We have been together for 12 years and we have 2 small kids, I don't want to destroy our lives by leaving her but her behavior is starting to be really unacceptable.????

[fishtank]

Run as fast as you can.

She wont get that money back.

[Lacrimas]

Just now, fishtank said:

Run as fast as you can.

She wont get that money back.

yeah but my kids?

[jastheace]

make sure she hasn't access to any further funds, hide any vehicle green books, and house /land papers. 100k not too much too lose, especially as you can use this as an example for any future help.... ie ' once that gets paid back you may consider further help to others, but not before...'

[bwpage3]

Any one that comes on here complaining about 100K when they claim to have millions is not telling the truth.

 

Sorry, this is just not a believable story.

 

 

 

 

[brokenbone]

i had a girl here nursing me, but the basic gist of her nature is that

if she knows any thai ever so slightly, like know the nickname for 2 weeks,

i should give money to these 'friends & relatives' so they "get a good feel",

she has zero allegiance to me and it will never change, i ended any contact with her

when i saw the writing on the wall

[brokenbone]

1 minute ago, bwpage3 said:

Any one that comes on here complaining about 100K when they claim to have millions is not telling the truth.

 

Sorry, this is just not a believable story.

 

 

 

 

no, why in gods name should i give away anything at all to insignificant others ?

[Lacrimas]

2 minutes ago, jastheace said:

make sure she hasn't access to any further funds, hide any vehicle green books, and house /land papers. 100k not too much too lose, especially as you can use this as an example for any future help.... ie ' once that gets paid back you may consider further help to others, but not before...'

Yeah I had the same idea. We have a joint account, I'll keep the bank books for myself from now on and as soon as possible I will close it and open another one only on my name. 

[Lacrimas]

3 minutes ago, bwpage3 said:

Any one that comes on here complaining about 100K when they claim to have millions is not telling the truth.

 

Sorry, this is just not a believable story.

 

 

 

 

3.000 dollars is not that little in my mind. considering I could have used it to live here for a few months.

[CharlieH]

Look at like this, you just paid 100k and found out the true lay of the land.

 

Now its time to learn from that and isolate any and all assets so that it doesnt/cant happen again. Next step is the "Trust" conversation and how its been violated, then you take it from there.

 

Best of luck, as I think you have a bumpy if not painful road ahead, but for the sake of the kids, you need to guard yourself and your assets until trust is restored. (if thats possible)

[Lacrimas]

4 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

Look at like this, you just paid 100k and found out the true lay of the land.

 

Now its time to learn from that and isolate any and all assets so that it doesnt/cant happen again. Next step is the "Trust" conversation and how its been violated, then you take it from there.

 

Best of luck, as I think you have a bumpy if not painful road ahead, but for the sake of the kids, you need to guard yourself and your assets until trust is restored. (if thats possible)

Wise words thanks. I didn't really expect this from her to tell you the truth. We met in Europe and she is an educated person and works as a government employee here in Thailand.

[CharlieH]

13 minutes ago, bwpage3 said:

Any one that comes on here complaining about 100K when they claim to have millions is not telling the truth.

 

Sorry, this is just not a believable story.

 

 

 

 

Its the principal, and the action, wouldnt matter if it was 10k ! 

[ratcatcher]

37 minutes ago, Lacrimas said:

I don't know what to do, I explained her that we are not in the position to lend money to anyone even if we do have a few million in the bank.

Just as well your handle isn't lacrimose.????  I am sure members here will initiate a bailout fund for you as you only have a few million in the bank. The horror.

[timendres]

Try not to think of it in terms of who your wife "loves more". I am sure she loves you very much. Thais think very differently about love, family and money, and it is not always easy to understand. But there is no question that you must maintain absolute control of your finances, and establish the rules regarding such.

[Logosone]

40 minutes ago, Lacrimas said:

Yeah I had the same idea. We have a joint account, I'll keep the bank books for myself from now on and as soon as possible I will close it and open another one only on my name. 

 

A key step. 

 

Apart from that you also need to sit your wife down and explain to her your displeasure, that her actions are completely unacceptable and it can never happen again. 

 

She has to understand that can never happen again. That's, if you still intend to stay together and will not bail out.

[CraigInBangkok]

It does'nt look good mate! For me trust is everything and if you don't have that, then eveything is built around pretending which is not good for you, your wife or your kids. I know what i'd do but then i don't have kids. 

[plachon]

5 minutes ago, timendres said:

Try not to think of it in terms of who your wife "loves more". I am sure she loves you very much. Thais think very differently about love, family and money, and it is not always easy to understand. But there is no question that you must maintain absolute control of your finances, and establish the rules regarding such.

Wise answer. Many Thais will prioritise a/ their parents; b/ their children; c/ their husband; d/ their siblings; e/ their wider family members in their "love hierarchy", or some combination of these actors. Some will be up-front about it, while with others, it's just the way it is and they don't care to express it out loud. Husbands who think they should come first, need to realise this and either adapt to the hierarchy and alter their expectations, or get out of Dodge City if they are not prepared to be No. 1. ???? But remember, your kids will become collateral damage in this if you take the last option and refuse to adapt.   

[Lacessit]

The family is the priority. Get used to it. Insulate your assets. Set boundaries.

Thais are not good with money, which is why most of the population is up to its eyeballs in debt.

 

[Skallywag]

1 hour ago, Lacrimas said:

we do have a few million in the bank. We don't know what the future holds and we have 2 small kids. 

Never open a joint account with a spouse

Open a new account in your name and put the money there

[CharlieH]

Off topic posts removed.

 

This is not about "your" relationships.

[Lacrimas]

Thank you guys, you gave me very wise advice. She is a good person and we love each other. I think she was taken advantage of but I'll make sure this won't happen again in the future by keeping all the money on a bank account in my name only. 

[NancyL]

The OP and his wife need to have a serious discussion with a financial planner about their life goals. With several million in the bank and two small children, they shouldn't just be letting the money sit around in accounts that earn small interest and are easily accessible. I know that Bangkok Bank and probably the other major banks have special accounts where they can invest funds for their children's college education and their own retirements. There are some really good bank investment options in Thailand, at least my the standards of what I knew in the U.S., and it would help the OP's wife to realize that their savings are for their children's future, not for the whims of her relatives.

[NancyL]

6 minutes ago, Lacrimas said:

Thank you guys, you gave me very wise advice. She is a good person and we love each other. I think she was taken advantage of but I'll make sure this won't happen again in the future by keeping all the money on a bank account in my name only. 

No, I'm sorry, but as you said, she's an educated person who you met in Europe. 

 

She just needs to be educated about how to handle money. 

[Kwasaki]

13 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

yeah but my kids?

Go to the cousin yourself and say you want the money back everyday and don't give access to that sort of money where family is concern.

If you can't control things together and agree now by talking things through you have a problem already.

Edited March 20, 2020 by Kwasaki

[jaffas21]

12 hours ago, Lacrimas said:

Thank you guys, you gave me very wise advice. She is a good person and we love each other. I think she was taken advantage of but I'll make sure this won't happen again in the future by keeping all the money on a bank account in my name only. 

that's the best idea, but i'd keep an eye on the relatives and perhaps move house at the first opportunity ... put some distance between them. I've heard of  foreigners lending money they don't get it back. One guy i know got the police involved then there was that duck farmer and his wife. bumped off for money. Only you can judge your relatives. 

[VocalNeal]

My wife is OK. I'd trust her with my life, but not with my wallet.

 

OP I suggest that you tell your wife that things have changed and you are taking back control of the family finances because of her action and her cousin's lack of integrity. Tell her that if her cousin pays back the money, she can keep it.

 

That being said it is always possible that the cousin has paid back the money (unlikely but..) and that your wife has not told you.

[billd766]

13 hours ago, Skallywag said:

Never open a joint account with a spouse

Open a new account in your name and put the money there

I have 2 bank accounts in my name only plus a joint account with my wife and she has her own account. I have had the joint account with my wife for over 20 tears without a problem at all. If she wants money for anything she asks me and if we have it she gets it.

 

She has had ample opportunity over the last 20 years and has not abused our system once.

 

Perhaps in reality, my wife actually IS different.

 

IMHO the most important thing in a marriage is trust between the husband and wife. Without that trust the marriage gets to be a bit shaky.

[BEVUP]

15 hours ago, CharlieH said:

Its the principal, and the action, wouldnt matter if it was 10k ! 

How true

Yu will never know the full extent until the 11 th hour, due to them not being able to own up when it was better to

Ok joint account - Just one source

Who owns house 

who owns car 

Who owns whatever

 

Even if the property is in 50/50 with kids they will always find a way to get money from some 

 

All this protection I've had to no evail 

 

PS; Is it worth paying Lawyers that are going to tell you YEP that's the story, SHe's at the whim of them

Edited March 20, 2020 by BEVUP

[craigieboy1973]

100k education lesson brother 

Rule 

1 dont let wife near your money 

2 refer rule 1 

 

Pack your bags and walk away it will only cost you more 

 

And no matter what you are always last on list of love or resepect behind soi chickens 

[HarrySeaman]

16 hours ago, plachon said:

Wise answer. Many Thais will prioritise a/ their parents; b/ their children; c/ their husband; d/ their siblings; e/ their wider family members in their "love hierarchy",

I have been living here for 18 years.  I learned long ago that the hierarchy is parents, children, relatives, friends, temple, dog, husband.

 

I also learned that the term loan has exactly the same meaning as give in Thailand.

 

If you don't want your wife to spend it or give it away don't give it to her.  Money, clothing, jewelry, etc., it is all the same.  If anyone they know says then like it and wish they had one like it or if they say they need it, its gone.  By giving it away they gain face, and face is everything here. 

 

Edited March 20, 2020 by HarrySeaman