The week that was in Thailand news: Free at last! Free at last! Well, free to laugh.

[rooster59]

The week that was in Thailand news: Free at last! Free at last! Well, free to laugh.

 

 

As Thailand began what is now known as "Phase Two" of the coronavirus pandemic, there was some optimism in the air.

 

If the figures are to be believed, we have turned the corner and can now start getting our lives back, albeit in bitesize increments.

 

Uncle Too has kindly given us back an extra hour before bedtime. But it is the opening of those national institutions that are as much a part of daily life as somtam gai yang and Muay Thai that is much more important to the well being of the national psyche.

 

Yes, the malls are due to be opening again today, Sunday. 

 

Those who think Thai boxing is the national sport have obviously never spent a weekend at Central, Paragon and the like. "Dern Hang" can be translated as aimlessly wandering around in free air con with your mate because it's cheap and there is nothing better to do. Call it the national sport.

 

Roooster has done tons of it. I have been a Scrabble playing professional  for nearly thirty years and all our Thai tournaments - famous worldwide for the number of children they attract - have been held nationwide in shopping centers. 

 

I calculate that I have spent well over a year of my life in Thai malls so I am far more expert on this fundamental aspect of Thai life than anything more traditionally cultural.

 

So as our new found freedom - even though it will be a new found normal - is thrust upon us, I thought it was a fine time to ditch the coronavirus angst and plump for a happy column focusing on humor and only humor in the last seven days in Thailand. 

 

So grab a coffee and relax for we might just be, in the words of a popular American, "Free at last!". And we should always be free to laugh.

 

Chiang Mai kicked off the Thaivisa week with news that countless businesses had set up caring and sharing cabinets for the needy. They were also handy for the unscrupulous to get some cash from resale of sardines. This was not missed on immigration chief Big Oud (the sound of a pig at the trough incidentally) who announced his own "Love&Share" cabinet scheme outside immigration offices.

 

Rooster's English translation of his remarks in Thai indicated that he adores all foreigners as much as his compatriots. I won't apologize for the absurdity of the wind-up.

 

Indeed, this may not be funny to some of the forum's curmudgeons who have to deposit their life savings in the bank at zero interest just to get a visa but they are never happy anyway unless Thailand is going down the pan and they rarely find anything in Thailand humorous.

 

Down in Koh Tao, once known for murder, everyone was laughing as foreigners caught outside without masks were made to do press-ups by the road as punishment. 

 

Thank goodness that was not tried on the denizens of Pattaya or Hua Hin; it could have resulted in the decrepit and unfit ancient retirees taking all the Covid-19 bed space.

 

In Chumphon someone has been stealing the flushes. About twenty stainless steel attachments worth nearly 100K have gone missing from the ladies and the gents at a gas station recently. A man with screwdriver was spotted on CCTV.

 

Apparently the local constabulary are not yet flushed with success after failing to flush out the miscreant.

 

Down in Patong, Phuket,  Daily News told us in a banner headline that an Aussie had taken over a gas station to dole out free fuel to motorcyclists in need. 

 

The humor came from the standard slip of the media in mistaking Australia for a little known part of central Europe called Austria. 

 

Yes, Mr Willy (with a name like that he could have hailed from anywhere) was a proud native of the country that produced Hitler, a man who I have never seen referred to as an Australian despite the Thais being less clued up on Nazis than they should be.

 

The Thai penchant for knowing squat all outside their borders also extends to mixing up people from Iceland and Ireland. Still not to worry, with the blanket terms "farang" and "phasaa farang" (English?) in widespread use, does it really matter exactly where we are from.

 

Thai journalists usually avoid the specifics by referring to perceived national traits for foreigners in their stories. Hence the British are "gentlefolk", the Germans are beer guzzlers, French like perfume, the Japanese and Koreans guzzle only sushi and kimchi respectively and Americans are all called Sam.

 

As for Austrians, well they are all Australians who are kangaroos anyway. 

 

In Bang Saen the local mayor Narongchai was ranting about his compatriots again but it was good natured. Last week the strongarm rello of Pattaya mayor Sontaya banged on about their lack of cleanliness, this week he threatened to re-close his beach road. 

 

He won't - he was just letting us know that he can if he wants. The mayor is desperate for the tourists to return as so many traders are.

 

Apropos, the TAT - never short of ramping up the titter-o-meter - hit optimistic heights by claiming that Thailand would have 16 million foreign tourists this year and 100 million Thai domestic tourism visits.

 

I think they will be counting the overseas clicks on Thaivisa to calculate the former and including the Thai visits to malls and parks for the latter. 

 

Last weekend Chatuchak weekend market was opened again with the new restrictions in place. Everybody was told to keep their distance as they crammed in the little lanes of the market with barely the width of a Thai neuron between them.

 

Expect the market to be deserted today when the malls open......if we still can't have our condo pools open we demand free air conditioning goddammit!

 

Further delays were announced for the reopening of condo pools for reasons I find impossible to comprehend. I satisfied myself by telling my condo manager that I was thrilled that he saw fit to continue to be so concerned about my health and well-being of my chicks.

 

He smiled in appreciation - he doesn't do sarcasm or even humor to any marked extent.

 

In Korat a 25 year old driver blamed the drizzle for overturning his pick-up. The accident occurred outside a "famous mall" showing how they are used to pinpoint locations much like the English give directions based on the names of pubs.

 

The only difference is that the Thais, fearing defamation, won't actually mention names, while the English talk about their pubs with a reverence only matched for their beloved NHS.

 

I mention that the driver was a quarter of a century old because Thai media invariable attributes this to the 'fact' that decisive things always happen to those experiencing "benjaphaet" - being 25. In fact it is right up there in the pantheon of excuses that include brake failure, anger, lack of readies and.......drizzle.

 

"Sorry officer, I'm 25, even if I don't look it and it was all the other guy's fault". I'll try that next time.

The story also made reference to Thaivisa's "cultural attache" - I do like to make sure that people have read to the end and try to reward those that do with a tidbit.

 

Incidentally I was delighted to hear this week that one of Thailand's more well known and light hearted columnists - Crutch of Bangkok Post fame - is not only a regular reader of The Week That Was but actually enjoys it. 

 

(I had contacted him attempting to get in touch with his former colleague Bernard Trink who I would like to interview. The "Nite Owl", rumored to be in Sattahip, remains elusive so if anyone knows his whereabouts please let me know).

 

In Ratchaburi reporters dashed to a house where a Pomeranian had taken up residence in her fridge to combat the searing temperatures we have been having this week. A vet suggested that one hour in a "tuu yen" is more than enough for the average long haired pooch. 

 

The story reminded this "Pom" of his first few formative days in Sydney during their interminable summer. I remember going into an incredibly large and freezing cold storage room out back of what we Brits are wont to call off licences. Having retrieved a few cans of Victoria Bitter the owner remarked about me finally having a cold beer after all that warm muck back in the old country. 

 

I had to agree that this land of milk and honey seemed better.

 

The old country was in the midst of a huge amount of laughable events this week as the government of Boris Johnson lurched from one gaffe to another. 

 

One report said that Boris' attempt at Churchillian rhetoric had backfired and the pandemic response - with his chopping and changing and lack of fine detail - had damaged the 'Boris Brand'. Meanwhile members of his cabinet started publicly arguing over what is joshingly referred to as their policy based on the best science. 

 

The British press - most of whom look up to Viz comic for journalistic integrity - did their Schadenfreude bit by claiming that the Germans were endangering their public by ending their lockdown too soon after a spike in cases.

 

If was all nonsense and I was surprised to find myself impressed by the calm reasoning and decisive questioning of new Labour leader Keir Starmer as he faced Boris during Wednesday's PMQs.

 

In America - where the pandemic response would be utterly hilarious but for the disastrous death toll and destruction of the economy and employment - the POTUS (Piece Of Thoroughly Uninformed Stuff) had a spat with one of his chief health advisers, the much respected Mr Fauci. 

 

Fauci is clearly motivated by professionalism and a desire to further the public good. Surely either his sacking or resignation is in the offing given the circumstances.

 

Back in the Land of Smiles there was a story about a group of sexy Chanthaburi dancers who had replaced shuffling for collecting durian and rambutans to make ends meet. Their ends looked very meet.

 

The sight of these saucy vixens dressed up in what used to be called "hot pants" raised some laughs and added to the stifling temperature of the forum faithful, now denied their bar stools for so lecheringly long.

 

While not amusing in the slightest for the victim, the apprehending of a man who came to be know as "Mr Acoustic Guitar" kept the Thais amused. He had given his guitar to a bus driver in payment for a fare after hammering his better half to death, as you do.

 

Several people including those in the bank getting 5,000 baht handouts had remarked how similar he looked to the wanted guy on the TV. 

 

"Yes, I do don't l," said the chilled musician shortly before plod moved in to take the killer off the streets.

 

The media said he had murdered his stepmother but that appeared to be stretching the truth as their ages were similar.

 

To wit, as the pressure of lockdown moved into what seemed like its 100th week, Rooster and Mrs R tried to remain cool and I hid the family hammer. My eternal thanks to a close American friend and his charming daughter for saving my marriage and giving my four year old a birthday to remember this week.

 

It's at times like this when one realises who one's friends are.

 

Drama - and thus humor - of the week centered on a teary eyed 72 year old taxi driver called Sitchai who was featured on television bemoaning his desperate virus situation. Within hours he got 8 million baht in donations.

 

Soon a garage rental guy started complaining that he was owed 14,000 baht and Sitchai was just a con man who lived rent free in his ex wife's house. Wisely, the alleged fraudster got a pal to transfer the cab rent and the garage owner told the media to lay off.

 

Naew Na, the mouthpiece of the RTP and especially immigration, got themselves tied up in knots after praising the cops for finally arresting a Cameroon guy on a five year overstay.

 

The reality was that the arrest was completely random after the African had been silly enough to break the curfew in Bang Phai, Khon Kaen.

 

In boxing news an Australian expat (probably from Vienna) wants to set up a charity event in Thailand featuring Iron Mike Tyson. Even well into his fifties the former world champion still looks mean and ...well..hungry if his latest training video is anything to go by.

 

Finally, former PM Thaksin added to the titter fest by condemning the lockdown as being not worth sacrificing the economy. He may well prove to have been right. The comments provided the usual responses to Thaksin or Yingluck comments with 50% of posters praising and the other half deriding.

 

As clear a sign as any that the country remains as divided as ever.

 

Something that is no laughing matter.

 

Rooster

 

-- © Copyright Thai Visa News 2020-05-16

 

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[chickenslegs]

32 minutes ago, rooster59 said:

The humor came from the standard slip of the media in mistaking Australia for a little known part of central Europe called Austria. 

[bluesofa]

2 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I know that Austrian place - it's Herr's Rock

[Samui Bodoh]

12 hours ago, rooster59 said:

 

He smiled in appreciation - he doesn't do sarcasm or even humor to any marked extent.

Although I have lived in various parts of Asia for over 30 years, I have yet to find an Asian who truly gets sarcasm, and I have no idea why.

 

I used to live in a small village in Indonesia where if you saw someone that you knew and were passing them by on your way somewhere else, you still had to say something. Anything. The number of times I had this conversation:

 

"Ahh! Meeting you here, eh?"

 

My response, after a while, was always;

 

Ahh! Still alive I see, eh?"

 

No one ever blinked an eye. No one.

 

 

[nightbird]

6 hours ago, Samui Bodoh said:

Although I have lived in various parts of Asia for over 30 years, I have yet to find an Asian who truly gets sarcasm, and I have no idea why.

 

I used to live in a small village in Indonesia where if you saw someone that you knew and were passing them by on your way somewhere else, you still had to say something. Anything. The number of times I had this conversation:

 

"Ahh! Meeting you here, eh?"

 

My response, after a while, was always;

 

Ahh! Still alive I see, eh?"

 

No one ever blinked an eye. No one.

 

 

Not part of the culture. Irony and sarcasm go right over the heads of many Asians because they are not taught to think that way. I have found this to be the best help in changing my approach to people and being more direct, literal. Sarcasm has a negativity associated with it. It's a kind of sneering that passes for humor. 

[OneeyedJohn]

No it doesn't go right over the heads of many Asians. It is not regarded as funny because it causes loss of face and that is just not acceptable in public.

 

Try arguing with a policeman when he stops you, and you know you are in the right.

[Odysseus123]

It's good to see some humour and a sense of the ridiculous back in action.Thank you Rooster!

[Greg O]

Great week it was and Sarcasm is an art that has to be finely honed. Who cares if they don't get it ?Working on the delivery takes patience and persistence...hehe

 

Me mum said " Son you're a sarcastic <deleted> sometimes" Me says " yes mum I learned from the best " ! 

[AgMech Cowboy]

 

23 hours ago, rooster59 said:

The "Nite Owl"

I miss him, too. If you find him, tell him he still has fans.  

 

I liked the the Crutch's articles, too, but mostly stopped reading the Post after being forced into retirement 5 yrs ago. If you're reading, Hi Crutch!!

[AgMech Cowboy]

23 hours ago, rooster59 said:

Finally, former PM Thaksin added to the titter fest by condemning the lockdown as being not worth sacrificing the economy. He may well prove to have been right. The comments provided the usual responses to Thaksin or Yingluck comments with 50% of posters praising and the other half deriding.

 

As clear a sign as any that the country remains as divided as ever.

I read to the end. What's my reward. In the long run, Thaksin, is right, but it won't fit the narrative.

[hanssna]

On 5/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, rooster59 said:

I think they will be counting the overseas clicks on Thaivisa to calculate the former and including the Thai visits to malls and parks for the latter. 

Haha, you got a good smile on me with this one, funny ! 

[brianthainess]

On 5/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, rooster59 said:

the width of a Thai neuron between them.

[anterian]

I like the glazed look you get from a Thai when you use sarcasm, you can see them trying to work it out. e.g ''The roof still leaks after you mended it but I find the water dripping on my head quite refreshing.'' 

[lamyai3]

23 hours ago, Samui Bodoh said:

Ahh! Still alive I see, eh?"

I have a female friend who often greets me warmly with" yang mai dtaai, na?"

[gropes]

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" - so therefore all wit is based on it???

[StevieAus]

14 hours ago, AgMech Cowboy said:

 

I miss him, too. If you find him, tell him he still has fans.  

 

I liked the the Crutch's articles, too, but mostly stopped reading the Post after being forced into retirement 5 yrs ago. If you're reading, Hi Crutch!!

As the Sunday Bangkok Post has shrunk over the years and the supplement magazine contains nothing of value Old Crutch”s column is about the only thing we’re reading.

Unfortunately where I live in the North the newspaper often doesn’t arrive.

Try reading that last book he released “ The Long Winding Road to Nakhon Nowhere”

Plenty of laughs and humor

[Moo 2]

"Free to Laugh" in Thailand!? There are situations where it's not advisable to laugh if you follow my drift.

[unblocktheplanet]

Yes, please! Somebody needs to write a book about Trink's Nite Owl life in Thailand, his willing ladyfriends, and their scores!

[maxcorrigan]

On 5/18/2020 at 6:31 AM, gropes said:

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" - so therefore all wit is based on it???

But you must finish the rest of it, the quote by Oscar Wilde. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and the highest form of intelligence"

[nausea]

On 5/17/2020 at 6:57 AM, Samui Bodoh said:

Although I have lived in various parts of Asia for over 30 years, I have yet to find an Asian who truly gets sarcasm, and I have no idea why.

 

I used to live in a small village in Indonesia where if you saw someone that you knew and were passing them by on your way somewhere else, you still had to say something. Anything. The number of times I had this conversation:

 

"Ahh! Meeting you here, eh?"

 

My response, after a while, was always;

 

Ahh! Still alive I see, eh?"

 

No one ever blinked an eye. No one.

 

 

Reminds me of my usual response to "How are you?"  - "Surviving". In Thailand I've had to adapt it a bit, usually "Bai ha gig". What is definitely true is that no-one is remotely interested in how you really are. Maybe your sister or your mother., if you're lucky. 

[UbonThani]

On 5/19/2020 at 8:11 PM, maxcorrigan said:

But you must finish the rest of it, the quote by Oscar Wilde. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and the highest form of intelligence"

Sarcasm is not, it is irony