Why are Thais unemotional at funerals?

[RamenRaven]

I have been to 3 funerals in 3 different parts of Thailand.

 

Every time it's more or less the same. An elderly person, aged 60 to 90+, dies and a carnival-like Buddhist funeral is held. No tears shed at all.

 

No one is crying. People look either happy to see each other, or are slightly bored by the long Buddhist chants.

Street vendors come to sell food, people see it as a family reunion event, and everyone talks about the food. It seems like just another religious festival.

At one funeral, as an old lady was being cremated and smoke was coming out everywhere, her sons (in their 60s) were talking about how delicious the local som tam is. All smiling, no tears or grieving faces, even though they loved their mother a lot. And then one lady said nonchalantly, "maen" (kind of smells), but no one cared. But I could only stand there silent, because a human body was on fire! It was such a poignant moment for me, but no one else cared.

 

I told a few Thais that in the West, close family members often cry, shed tears, and show a lot of emotion at funerals. They take turns speaking and show grieving faces.

I just got blank stares. "Oh they do that?" Confused looks. Then on to the next topic.

 

Can someone explain how Thais view funerals?

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Not my experience at all .

Will admit when my gf’s grandmother died aged 100 few tears were shed and the funeral was more a celebration of her, long , life.

But, when my gf’s sister died suddenly and unexpectedly ,aged 53, there were plenty of tears from the mother, remaining 9 siblings, children, grandchildren and close friends . All in all very similar to reactions seen in the west.

[KhunLA]

Depends when you 'attended' the funeral.  Body held at house for 3 days, if possible, then off to bbq, and would thing those going to get emotional, already did so prior to the bbq.

 

Not much difference than the USA, having an emotional viewing, day/night or so before, then at gravesite not so much.

[Neeranam]

My neighbour died and one night it was l police who played cards all night. Lasted 7 days.

My sister in law died aged 30, and there was a lot of grief and tears. 

[bkk6060]

Probably just me, but I have had the same general impression.   I sometimes think that some here do not value human life.  Seem unemotional about death.  Another thing, I got a car a few months back and some of the driving here is so unbelievably dangerous and reckless.  Add, I have witnessed crashes the drivers get out and immediately check the damage to their car, having no concern for the health of the other drivers.

Edited February 23, 2023 by bkk6060

[Neeranam]

1 minute ago, bkk6060 said:

Probably just me, but I have had the same general impression.   I sometimes think that some here do not value human life.  Seem unemotional about death. 

They are Buddhists and believe in Karma and Reincarnation. No need to be upset.

[soi3eddie]

Attended a 76 yr old friend's funeral at Wat Hua Hin in early December last year. Very sad but not a sudden death and he was sick for sometime. In the next room was the funeral of one the young ladies killed in the car crash on the Hua Hin train tracks a few days before. They were very emotional with lots of tears for such a tragic and avoidable loss. I've been to many Thai "funerals" and varying levels of emotion depending on the age and circumstances.

 

[RamenRaven]

1 minute ago, bkk6060 said:

Probably just me, but I have had the same general impression.   I sometimes think that some here do not value human life.  Seem unemotional about death. 

At funerals, I occasionally heard people saying very calmly, "May you go up to heaven and move on to your next life." I don't think that Thais do not value human life. It's that they have a different perspective on life and react differently.

 

Another thing is that public display of strong emotions is frowned upon in Thailand. Public drama and histrionics are frowned upon. Everything is masked by poker faces and Thai-style smiles that are meant to show deference rather than happiness. You can't tell what they're really feeling deep down inside.

 

[RamenRaven]

7 minutes ago, soi3eddie said:

Attended a 76 yr old friend's funeral at Wat Hua Hin in early December last year. Very sad but not a sudden death and he was sick for sometime. In the next room was the funeral of one the young ladies killed in the car crash on the Hua Hin train tracks a few days before. They were very emotional with lots of tears for such a tragic and avoidable loss. I've been to many Thai "funerals" and varying levels of emotion depending on the age and circumstances.

 

If it's a violent death, then yes.

 

But "just another elderly village person passing away" does not seem to generate tears. That would be unusual in the West, and typical Westerners might think you're a cold-blooded monster if you act like it's just another normal day, and talk about delicious som tam while your mother's burning body is spewing smoke everywhere.

 

Edited February 23, 2023 by RamenRaven

[marin]

59 minutes ago, RamenRaven said:

Can someone explain how Thais view funerals?

 

10 minutes ago, RamenRaven said:

Another thing is that public display of strong emotions is frowned upon in Thailand. Public drama and histrionics are frowned upon. Everything is masked by poker faces and Thai-style smiles that are meant to show deference rather than happiness. You can't tell what they're really feeling deep down inside.

 

Seems by answering your own question you to the answer you wanted. 

[RamenRaven]

1 minute ago, marin said:

 

Seems by answering your own question you to the answer you wanted. 

I know that Thais don't like acting out in public, but it's that no one seems to be genuinely upset at the funerals that I went to. I don't get that part.

When Thais are upset, they show that they're visibly upset by being silent and ignoring people around them. That didn't happen.

 

There's something about the Thai Buddhist perspective on life, the elderly, and death that is very radically different from what we're used to in the West.

 

[RamenRaven]

Funeral concert

 

Just another carnival, most likely few if any tears

 

 

[ozimoron]

This is just stereotypical garbage. The same festivities are help at funerals is the Philippines where they block off the street and put up a marquee for days. Also, wakes are held at pubs in the west. It doesn't mean they are unemotional.

[Denim]

1 hour ago, RamenRaven said:

Can someone explain how Thais view funerals?

More laid back than North Koreans.

 

 

[Wuvu2]

Some Buddhist traditions discourage mourning as it is believed to effect the dead by supporting emotional attachment to "this life" and creating obstacles for swift and advantageous reincarnation. Many Thais believe in ghosts - beings that get stuck in the space between incarnations.  

 

Prayers are said to help the dead move on. In stead of sadness the message is "go, go, go joyfully, and don't worry abut us who you left behind!" 

Edited February 23, 2023 by Wuvu2

[Foghorn]

Heartless, they cry if lose money or someone calls them names

[RamenRaven]

1 minute ago, Wuvu2 said:

Some Buddhist traditions discourage mourning as it is believed to effect the dead by supporting emotional attachment to "this life" and creating obstacles for swift and advantageous reincarnation. Many Thais believe in ghosts - beings that get stuck in the space between incarnations.  

 

Prayers are said to help the dead move on. - the message being "go, go, go joyfully, and don't worry abut us who you left behind!" 

Thanks! This makes sense now.

 

In fact, I like the calm dispositions that I see at Thai funerals.

I see that they have a cyclical view of life, rather than a linear one.

 

[swm59nj]

It depends on how an individual person reacts to different situations.  And some people cry openly,  some cry alone.  
On Thai News there have been funerals and stories about people dying.  And many friends and family members are hysterical with grief. 
 

[Purdey]

I did not cry when my mother died. She had stopped suffering so I felt less upset than watching the cancer torture her. My father was buried and the thought of those worms burrowing into his body made me queasy. 

Dad came to Thailand once and there was a funeral we passed by with music playing and some dancing. He thought it was disrespectful too but I thought the person is dead and will be reborn so that is a reason for good cheer.

 

 

[Thingamabob]

Death is not such a big deai if you believe in reincarnation, as do many Thais. While there is emotion expressed at Thai funerals it is limited by comparison with most other nationalities.

[KhunLA]

23 minutes ago, Thingamabob said:

Death is not such a big deai if you believe in reincarnation, as do many Thais. While there is emotion expressed at Thai funerals it is limited by comparison with most other nationalities.

BS ... where do you people come up with this krap.

 

Thais mourn just as much as everyone else, from loss of loved one, child, friend.

 

People are the same worldwide, losses are grieved, especially sudden, younger, unexpected more so of course.  To lose a child, I can't imagine and hope I never find out.

 

A wife, husband, partner, best friend you've loved for years, that's traumatic.   Older folks on borrowed time or diagnosed terminal, a bit easy to deal with.

[soalbundy]

2 hours ago, KhunLA said:

Depends when you 'attended' the funeral.  Body held at house for 3 days, if possible, then off to bbq, and would thing those going to get emotional, already did so prior to the bbq.

 

Not much difference than the USA, having an emotional viewing, day/night or so before, then at gravesite not so much.

Buddhist concept, it is as it is. I watched my father-in-law die last night (78) the children did their duty holding watch all night for a week, one daughter had to drive 500 km to be there. He died at home, no pain, no illness. The last two days he didn't wake up and then, very undramatic, he just stopped breathing.  Many people were there during the week making preparations for his death, laughing and joking within his earshot, all the villagers came and went. The room was crammed full when the monks came and did their chanting around the bed set up in the living room, the onlookers reciting when they should do. The monks had to come 3 times because, as his wife said, he was taking his time going. No tears were shed, his children were busy deciding which photograph to enlarge for the cremation service 10 minutes after his death, all very 'matter of fact'. I found it OK. What did disturb me was the lack of dignity when my wife and her sister changed his diapers in full view of whoever was present. A good time was had by all.

[RamenRaven]

1 minute ago, soalbundy said:

Buddhist concept, it is as it is. I watched my father-in-law die last night (78) the children did their duty holding watch all night for a week, one daughter had to drive 500 km to be there. He died at home, no pain, no illness. The last two days he didn't wake up and then, very undramatic, he just stopped breathing.  Many people were there during the week making preparations for his death, laughing and joking within his earshot, all the villagers came and went. The room was crammed full when the monks came and did their chanting around the bed set up in the living room, the onlookers reciting when they should do. The monks had to come 3 times because, as his wife said, he was taking his time going. No tears were shed, his children were busy deciding which photograph to enlarge for the cremation service 10 minutes after his death, all very 'matter of fact'. I found it OK. What did disturb me was the lack of dignity when my wife and her sister changed his diapers in full view of whoever was present. A good time was had by all.

You nailed it. That's what I witnessed multiple times with funerals of elderly people.

 

The family members were all very dedicated and spent an incredible amount of time and money for funeral preparations. They all wanted to make sure that the funeral was properly carried out so that the deceased person's spirit could be in peace.

 

All very matter of fact, no emotional drama.

 

[TigerandDog]

6 minutes ago, KhunLA said:

BS ... where do you people come up with this krap.

 

Thais mourn just as much as everyone else, from loss of loved one, child, friend.

 

People are the same worldwide, losses are grieved, especially sudden, younger, unexpected more so of course.  To lose a child, I can't imagine and hope I never find out.

 

A wife, husband, partner, best friend you've loved for years, that's traumatic.   Older folks on borrowed time or diagnosed terminal, a bit easy to deal with.

I have to disagree with you. I've been in Thailand for 9 years now,  and attend on average 3 funerals per month in my village or the adjoining villages. When my partner's mother passed, not a single tear from her or any of the family members, privately or publicly. When I asked why no tears she said that the funeral was just another step in the path of life and that eventually the person would be reincarnated and that reincarnation form would depend on whether they had led a good or bad life and that reincarnation kept occurring until the person had lived a very good life and only then would their soul go to heaven.

 

The one thing I cannot fathom is the amount of disrespect shown at funerals. While the monks are doing their thing, the people sitting outside just carry on normal conversations and quite loud at that. The one thing I love about Thai funerals is there are no eulogies. I like this because that way you don't have people saying what a great person the deceased was when they were anything but.

[1FinickyOne]

3 hours ago, RamenRaven said:

You can't tell what they're really feeling deep down inside.

I usually can - - and I have seen Western customs that are just as weird... and as mentioned above, these funerals go on for days and the all night card games are not meant as disrespect, more as keeping the family of the deceased company... 

 

 

[1FinickyOne]

14 minutes ago, TigerandDog said:

The one thing I love about Thai funerals is there are no eulogies.

When my parents died my brother held some sort of roast type ceremony where people told funny stories and everyone was going to have a great laugh, surely often at the expense of the deceased. My mother, would have hated that. I declined to attend as I would have found it way over the line as to being respectful. 

 

But that was all part of their 60 is the new 40 psychobabble hip lifestyle. 

[MJCM]

SIL died very suddenly last year, lots of tears at the funeral as it was so very sudden.

 

FIL died 2 months ago after a sick bed of well over 2 years with being bedridden for well over 6 months. Not a lot of tears on his funeral as the family was already prepared for it. 
 

So it depends 

[soalbundy]

Only one funeral that I attended was very emotional. It was a motorbike accident death of a 15 year old boy, a friend of my son, he drove a motorbike late at night to buy alcohol for his alcoholic mother and was hit from behind by a car. The emotion erupted at the cremation. A choreography of the finest sort. His headmaster had arranged that all his male classmates assembled unseen behind the crematorium but still under its jutting roof. As soon as the smoke rose from the chimney, deep male voices roared out in an emotional sad slow hymn perfectly in tune with one another bewailing the loss of their comrade, it echoed all around the crematorium and beyond, everybody, even the monks, wept unashamedly, me included, it was one of the most honest emotional moments I have ever witnessed.

[The Fugitive]

5 hours ago, RamenRaven said:

At one funeral, as an old lady was being cremated and smoke was coming out everywhere,

Was this an 'open air' cremation? A friend of my Mrs had this. I don't know why.

[ChrisKC]

I have been to more funerals in Thailand than I can possibly remember.

 

in general, there will be quite a few more people at Thai funerals that have little connection to the deceased than would be the case in UK for example.

 

The tears are often shed at events prior to the funeral itself (nearer to time of death) where  closer people involved will share their open grief. This allows for some level of "acceptance" that makes the funeral itself a little easier to bear.