I had an (unplanned) child with my Thai partner four years ago. I tried to make it work but I'm miserable. Looking for advice.

[Yellowtail]

This is probably a wind-up, but on the off-chance it's not, my advice is to quit feeling sorry for yourself, man-up and take care of your wife and child.  

 

Or do like a lot of guys here are recommending and just flush their lives down the toilet. 

 

 

 

[Yellowtail]

12 minutes ago, DrCosmix said:

What is her contribution to the marriage?

Her life. 

[Andre0720]

57 minutes ago, DrCosmix said:

Its a theory...thats all. An unproven theory that adds to people's guilt when they can't  make it  work

All right. So what you are saying is that James Redfield  is simply someone who expressed a a theory, and nothing more.

But I presume that you would be able to provide more, more like the truth that is, something that we all have been waiting for...

So you have something better than this guy:

 

Redfield grew up in a rural area near Birmingham, Alabama. He studied Eastern philosophies, including Taoism and Zen, while majoring in sociology at Auburn University. He later received a master's degree in counseling and spent more than 15 years as a therapist to abused adolescents. During this time, he was drawn into the human potential movement and turned to it for theories about intuitions and psychic phenomena that would help his clients.

In 1989, he quit his job as a therapist to write full-time, synthesizing his interest in interactive psychology, Eastern and Western philosophies, science, futurism, ecology, history, and mysticism.

When Redfield self-published The Celestine Prophecy, his first novel, in 1992, the interest from booksellers and readers led to its becoming one of the most financially successful self-published books of all time.

[save the frogs]

3 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

I hear what you are saying but they are hardly minimal problems. Normal Western relationships (and most likely many Thai-falang relationships) feature in-depth conversations about anything and everything between partners; mine lacks that. Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

I broke up with an asian girl when I was younger for similar reasons.

Looking back, there was no need to break up. 

You can satisfy any intellectual interests on your time by reading, etc ...

You can talk to male friends, you can join discussion groups online to discuss your interests.

That's not what a relationship partner is necessarily for. 

In fact, if you talk about too many complex topics, you might end up arguing a lot. 

 

 

Edited March 11, 2023 by save the frogs

[Yellowtail]

1 minute ago, save the frogs said:

I broke up with an asian girl when I was younger for similar reasons.

Looking back, there was no need to break up. 

You can satisfy any intellectual interests on your time by reading, etc ...

You can talk to male friends, you can join discussion groups online to discuss your interests.

That's not what a relationship partner is necessarily for. 

In fact, if you talk about too many complex topics, you might end up arguing a lot. 

 

It's likely not intellectual stimulation he's after. 

[BE88]

2 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

It's easy to call it lame to want to run away but the vast majority of relationships with kids do not pan out like mine where there is minimal interesting conversation or shared interests. Especially an entire eight years. I'm just tired of trying to make it work and still seeing her scrolling social media for 8 hours per day. 

The problem is only your, you and not your partner, living with a Thai woman everything you say is normal.

Better get back to the reality of life.

 

[scubascuba3]

3 minutes ago, BE88 said:

The problem is only your, you and not your partner, living with a Thai woman everything you say is normal.

Better get back to the reality of life.

 

believe it or not you can find a thai girl with interesting conversation. A girl i see every week we can easily talk 2+ hours. Problem is guys often base a relationship on looks and the girl on the ATM

[save the frogs]

5 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

It's likely not intellectual stimulation he's after. 

he said he wants to chat about films, books, philosophy.

it's not necessary. 

you just need someone you feel comfortable being around. 

 

[Hummin]

10 minutes ago, BE88 said:

The problem is only your, you and not your partner, living with a Thai woman everything you say is normal.

Better get back to the reality of life.

 

Does she cook, clean, take care of the child and response to your physical needs, and if you stimulate her needs? 

 

Good wife

[CrunchWrapSupreme]

13 minutes ago, save the frogs said:

That's not what a relationship partner is necessarily for. 

In fact, if you talk about too many complex topics, you might end up arguing a lot. 

Agreed. Not every convo has to be "deep" or "intellectual". In fact they rarely are, with anybody, men or women, your own countrymen or other cultures. I don't know where people are getting the idea they have to be. Maybe those long monologues characters do with each other in movies, about saving the world or whatever. Or maybe listening to too many podcasts. But they're not real life, which is more likely going to be what somebody did today, what so and so said, something they saw on TV, something stupid or funny that happened.

 

Nearly 10 years in the LOS, 5 years with my Thai wife, happy to say it's gone 90% well. I just turned in my resignation at my school. Next step is teaching back in the US, and bringing her back home to mom. I think it's gonna work out.

[asf6]

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came. 

 

The OP needs to find a place like that. A place you can escape to and exit at your whim, where discussions in your native language can be had easily, and bar-stool psychoanalysis comes for free. Go out and enjoy your life, OP.

Cheers. 

☺️

[norfolkandchance]

3 hours ago, jaideedave said:

???? You have just given this fellow a million $ worth of advice. If he takes heed of what you mentioned he has a 2nd chance.If he doesn't he's _____ed!

I sincerely hope he reads your post. I wish I had someone like you on my side when I made stupid blunders of looking for love in all the wrong places..just like the song. My hearts racing right now. That BS cost me a few broken hearts and a small fortune. 555

Agree. Best advice offered.

[DrCosmix]

8 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

^ Our child is 4 years old. I have not discussed this with her because it seems like a lost cause in the sense that as soon as I open my mouth about unhappiness I'll either be accused of cheating or she'll overreact in some other way. 

That is a red flag that indicates emotional immaturity which makes it impossible for you to communicate using words. Shes blocking you. Shes silenceing you. Its a tactic. Its very opressive and will  damage  you  mentally and the child. Get them back to Thailand and send  them money there. 

[Dan O]

10 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

I hear what you are saying but they are hardly minimal problems. Normal Western relationships (and most likely many Thai-falang relationships) feature in-depth conversations about anything and everything between partners; mine lacks that. Normal relationships do not see one partner either watching dramas or scrolling Facebook while the other reads books. 

Have you tried engaging her in other activities like riding your bikes like you used to do. Its both peoples responsibility to work on the relationship and it sounds as if you've fallen into a routine and its compounding your feelings of being isolated from her. Having a daughter should give you both many opportunities to create mutual family activities and improve your bonding. Obviously we don't know all aspects of your relationship so any advice is just a guess. 

[edwardandtubs]

The OP seems to be looking at things from a very western perspective. Monogomy is not expected of men in Thailand, who very often have mia nois or other kinds of "bits on the side". He needs to start looking at it from a Thai perspective and see the mother of his child as one woman in his life but that doesn't mean he can't have another woman in his life who gives him the intellectual stimulation he craves.

[BE88]

11 hours ago, scubascuba3 said:

believe it or not you can find a thai girl with interesting conversation. A girl i see every week we can easily talk 2+ hours. Problem is guys often base a relationship on looks and the girl on the ATM

I agree with you, it's not a general rule but only a good majority, for example yesterday I was at a restaurant and a young couple with a 4/5 year old daughter on the table nearby, the husband continued to read a book while the wife he looked continuously at his smartphone, and this in a holiday restaurant, where people should be relaxed and perhaps start a dialogue with their partner.

For many Thais it seems that couples live in two separate worlds and it is also the reason that many husbands for work go to live far away from the family and remain separated without problems for decades. Which is generally impossible in the West.

 

[zombie nights]

You are in a marriage that is not working, and you are miserable. even when living with your  child and wife.

There is a saying about when you are digging a hole that makes matters worse then get out of the hole as quick as you can.

Do not keep digging.

 

Accept you will lose your child.

Most laws let children stay with the mother.

 

Find a way for your wife and child to return to Thailand.

If it means you will be paying, then accept that is the penalty for you getting out of the mess.

Maybe speak to a professional e.g. lawyer who can guide you to do things legally in a way that protects your interests as well as safeguarding the rights and well-being of your child and wife.

 

 

 

Edited March 12, 2023 by zombie nights

[Skipalongcassidy]

16 hours ago, DrCosmix said:

Get out now! Try and support financially but get out. You are doing  your daughter  no favours giving  her an example of unhappiness  and strained relations and repressed hate.

They dont need you.  You dont need them.

"We weren't sitting there happily chatting away about books films philosophy and life like normal couples do."

 

Or you could work on developing healthy reality... it's on you to make yourself into a happy person... quit blaming your wife 

[brianthainess]

Sounds like you need to call the Samaritans who can listen sympathetically to your problem and offer some help. 

[johnnybangkok]

10 hours ago, zombie nights said:

You are in a marriage that is not working, and you are miserable. even when living with your  child and wife.

There is a saying about when you are digging a hole that makes matters worse then get out of the hole as quick as you can.

Do not keep digging.

 

Accept you will lose your child.

Most laws let children stay with the mother.

 

Find a way for your wife and child to return to Thailand.

If it means you will be paying, then accept that is the penalty for you getting out of the mess.

Maybe speak to a professional e.g. lawyer who can guide you to do things legally in a way that protects your interests as well as safeguarding the rights and well-being of your child and wife.

 

 

 

What terrible advice.

 

There is a child involved in all this and you just tell him to jump ship. Do you not know of the huge affects on a child not having a father has (assuming the father isn't abusive etc)? It's significent with some of it outlined here  https://www.allprodad.com/5-effects-of-absent-fathers-on-child-development/.

 

So he can't have deep and meaningful chats - who cares! That's what your mates are for. As long as she is a loving mother and not causing grief (which is what I get from his post), just man-up, accept you have responsibilities and try to make the best of it. Leaving a child (especially one you love) should be when there are literally no other options available. I see plenty of options available to him from his post other than your selfish suggestions .

[Chinaski1990]

1 hour ago, johnnybangkok said:

What terrible advice.

 

There is a child involved in all this and you just tell him to jump ship. Do you not know of the huge affects on a child not having a father has (assuming the father isn't abusive etc)? It's significent with some of it outlined here  https://www.allprodad.com/5-effects-of-absent-fathers-on-child-development/.

 

So he can't have deep and meaningful chats - who cares! That's what your mates are for. As long as she is a loving mother and not causing grief (which is what I get from his post), just man-up, accept you have responsibilities and try to make the best of it. Leaving a child (especially one you love) should be when there are literally no other options available. I see plenty of options available to him from his post other than your selfish suggestions .

Yeah to be clear I would never want to abandon my kid and cut contact with her. Even just sending money isn't being a good dad. But the reality is that I chose the wrong path in life and sucking it up is edging me towards the darker thoughts about whether life is worth it or not.

 

A big part of it relates to my restlessness and inability to live in one place... I'm always wanting to travel solo and see the world and that's not compatible with being a family man. I know there are many happy relationships in which the father works abroad for long periods but my situation is somewhat different...I can't justify taking off every few months for a couple of weeks to travel. 

[johnnybangkok]

33 minutes ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Yeah to be clear I would never want to abandon my kid and cut contact with her. Even just sending money isn't being a good dad. But the reality is that I chose the wrong path in life and sucking it up is edging me towards the darker thoughts about whether life is worth it or not.

 

A big part of it relates to my restlessness and inability to live in one place... I'm always wanting to travel solo and see the world and that's not compatible with being a family man. I know there are many happy relationships in which the father works abroad for long periods but my situation is somewhat different...I can't justify taking off every few months for a couple of weeks to travel. 

You need to get some professional help. And soon. Statements like 'sucking it up is edging me towards the darker thoughts about whether life is worth it or not' is depression. And depression at a dangerous state. You have openly admitted to have 'suffered from awful self esteem and depression for many years' so what's the situation with you and professional help?

[Dan O]

20 hours ago, DrCosmix said:

That is a red flag that indicates emotional immaturity which makes it impossible for you to communicate using words. Shes blocking you. Shes silenceing you. Its a tactic. Its very opressive and will  damage  you  mentally and the child. Get them back to Thailand and send  them money there. 

Not sure where you are getting your info to make the judgements you've been making on this post.

 

He's not said anything about the wife's actions that indicates she's doing anything wrong. He's not communicating his feelings to her so you blame her.  Real winner for giving advice about something that hasn't been mentioned 

[JustThisOnePostOnly]

On 3/11/2023 at 2:50 PM, Chinaski1990 said:

We weren't sitting there happily chatting away about books films philosophy and life like normal couples do.

You mean like in a Hollywood romantic comedy?

 

C'mon.

 

Head over to the weed forum.  Get yourself a good sativa blend.  Allow yourself to reset expectations.

[homeseeker]

OP: You appear to be in a loveless marriage (you and your spouse) causing you misery and suicidal thoughts. If marriage guidance counselling is not appropriate, then get a separation with visitation rights to your child.

Then file for divorce.

And seek immediate medical help to calm yourself.

Edited March 13, 2023 by homeseeker

[Thomas KH]

13 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Yeah to be clear I would never want to abandon my kid and cut contact with her. Even just sending money isn't being a good dad. But the reality is that I chose the wrong path in life and sucking it up is edging me towards the darker thoughts about whether life is worth it or not.

 

A big part of it relates to my restlessness and inability to live in one place... I'm always wanting to travel solo and see the world and that's not compatible with being a family man. I know there are many happy relationships in which the father works abroad for long periods but my situation is somewhat different...I can't justify taking off every few months for a couple of weeks to travel. 

 

I can definitely relate to that. You're not alone. 

[robblok]

On 3/11/2023 at 2:57 PM, transam said:

That reads like a normal marriage to me, and I have had a few........ 

Only normal if you let it be your norm. For me its absolutely not normal. I try to find a girl with good English and shared hobbies instead of the most pretty one. Works better in general (in my case). Not perfect of course otherwise i would not have divorced my wife. But it had other reasons (her wanting kids). But enough normal conversations and shared hobbies.

 

That is the way I like it others might have other idea's just like the OP. Does limit the selection of GF's a lot as not many speak good English and then finding common ground. Not impossible but harder.

 

But even though the one I am with speaks perfect English (Singaporean), that does not mean we do everything together. Id go crazy if that was the case. We do watch TV together at times if it is something we both like. I read my books alone. Sometimes we play some games on computers. She has her own friends and I certainly dont want to be with them all the time. They do also speak good English as they are Singaporean but still I hate all the social obligations. 

 

Being together IMHO means having a common language and common hobbies but not doing everything together. For others it is having a sexy gf and that is it. I wont judge whatever works for someone is their choice. 

 

I just disagree with the is a normal marriage. Maybe this the kind that is more common in Thailand. 

 

 

[robblok]

On 3/11/2023 at 7:53 PM, CrunchWrapSupreme said:

Agreed. Not every convo has to be "deep" or "intellectual". In fact they rarely are, with anybody, men or women, your own countrymen or other cultures. I don't know where people are getting the idea they have to be. Maybe those long monologues characters do with each other in movies, about saving the world or whatever. Or maybe listening to too many podcasts. But they're not real life, which is more likely going to be what somebody did today, what so and so said, something they saw on TV, something stupid or funny that happened.

 

Nearly 10 years in the LOS, 5 years with my Thai wife, happy to say it's gone 90% well. I just turned in my resignation at my school. Next step is teaching back in the US, and bringing her back home to mom. I think it's gonna work out.

I like conversations with my GF and no we are not discussing complex topics. I mean we might discuss the war in Ukraine or something. Maybe some <deleted> that happened at her work or mine. Those things don't cause us to argue. I am not sure why you think that conversation leads to arguments between partners.

 

We are all different some just like their partner for a conversation and so on, others like you don't care about it. You have to find out what you like and go for it. No need to conform to others. 

 

What you describe as a conversation is the most basic and normal form. But if you have GF that has real limited English a conversation like that will be dead in the water too. But the topics you mentioned are of course the majority of conversation. 

 

I found that many ppl don't like deep conversations. My GF is from Singapore her friends are too, all Expats and good in their field. I tried to start some conversations but they don't seem to like deeper topics as they have to give an opinion. There was one exception a smart guy with broad knowledge. I think most people are NOT discussing heavy topics. But even for basic topics its useful to have good language skills.

 

What i like about smarter / independent GF's is that they can share in the tasks. Last time i wanted to go to Laos for a few days. I told her you book the tickets and hotel. Later tell me what it cost and ill pay half. I could have done it myself but she could too. Last time she booked a live abord diving trip for us. 

 

Everyone likes different things, and it takes time to know what you want. Then it takes time to find a gf that fits. All i can say don't rush into things.

[transam]

3 hours ago, robblok said:

Only normal if you let it be your norm. For me its absolutely not normal. I try to find a girl with good English and shared hobbies instead of the most pretty one. Works better in general (in my case). Not perfect of course otherwise i would not have divorced my wife. But it had other reasons (her wanting kids). But enough normal conversations and shared hobbies.

 

That is the way I like it others might have other idea's just like the OP. Does limit the selection of GF's a lot as not many speak good English and then finding common ground. Not impossible but harder.

 

But even though the one I am with speaks perfect English (Singaporean), that does not mean we do everything together. Id go crazy if that was the case. We do watch TV together at times if it is something we both like. I read my books alone. Sometimes we play some games on computers. She has her own friends and I certainly dont want to be with them all the time. They do also speak good English as they are Singaporean but still I hate all the social obligations. 

 

Being together IMHO means having a common language and common hobbies but not doing everything together. For others it is having a sexy gf and that is it. I wont judge whatever works for someone is their choice. 

 

I just disagree with the is a normal marriage. Maybe this the kind that is more common in Thailand. 

 

 

Sooooooooooooooo funny..........Common hobbies, You're single then....????

 

 

[thaibeachlovers]

On 3/11/2023 at 8:50 PM, Chinaski1990 said:

But I'm still bitterly unhappy in my relationship and with my life.

Welcome to the real world.

 

Given that you presented her with the ultimate way to trap you, IMO all your options are not very good.

As a divorced man I'd say to try and live separate lives in the same house till the kid grows up and becomes independent. Being alone sucks.