Thai wife being bullied by family

[thefarangteacher]

I am a farang married to a Thai. Throughout our several years of marriage, her family has made passive-aggressive comments about her marriage (“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”) and has asked me for money through her (which I have always declined to give). Today a relative made a snarky comment about my wife on social media, about how some family members refuse to help out and are deserving of shame, etc. What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me). It is also apparent to her that this standard is not applied to the rest of the Thai husbands in the extended family. She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture.

[bignok]

Tell her to stop talking to these morons. Move far away from them.

 

 

[lopburi3]

What does not being old have to do with anything?  And why the extra large font for us old folks?  

 

Probably not wanted but believe best advise is to ignore social media - it is a minefield.  Your life is your life.

Edited July 20, 2023 by lopburi3

[Ben Zioner]

1 minute ago, lopburi3 said:

What does not being old have to do with anything?

The idea of ageing triggers anxiety in younger people. The OP is 77, so quite young.

[worgeordie]

They want ,what you have got , seems to be the way things work here,

it's difficult for Thai wives ,they get a lot of pressure from families to

support them ,or lend them (it's always a gift) money ,

 

Get her off social media , have nothing to do with them ,it will not

be easy for her , but for the good of your marriage something you

both must do ,  good luck

 

regards Worgeordie 

[MrJ2U]

12 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

I am a farang married to a Thai. Throughout our several years of marriage, her family has made passive-aggressive comments about her marriage (“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”) and has asked me for money through her (which I have always declined to give). Today a relative made a snarky comment about my wife on social media, about how some family members refuse to help out and are deserving of shame, etc. What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me). It is also apparent to her that this standard is not applied to the rest of the Thai husbands in the extended family. She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture.

Hopefully you don't live in the same village?

 

I'd just ignore or block the snarky social media comments.

 

Hopefully your wife can/will do the same.

 

 

[novacova]

You need to set them straight your self, and not rely on your wife to deal with it or they’ll never respect you and will persist with the nagging campaign. Moral lesson, avoid beggars by as much degrees of separation as possible.

[Woof999]

One or two of my wife's extended family want my lifestyle, my income, my skin colour, my temperament and my intelligence. Occasionally they hint at this while looking down on me as a lowlife falang.

[Gecko123]

Your wife could shut that nonsense down in a NY minute if she wanted to. I suspect she is trying to manipulate you by relaying this toxic gossip from her family.

[BritManToo]

22 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife?

No advice for your wife, but you might like to stop using Thai racial slurs.

The first time you said 'farang' in my presence would be the last time I spoke with you.

[markwhite]

Support her while she goes through the breaking point.

 

She will either break with you, or she will break with her family. You know her best and you know what is more likely. And she may need to go through the breaking point more than once before she gets to a place that's healthy for her.

 

I think this sort of thing happens in healthy, supportive relationships, for a variety of reasons. It's just that with Thai-farang relationships, it's particularly because of this issue of how relatives view the relationship and money.

 

She is talking to you about this in a way that seems fairly open and honest. There are many similar stories here where that is missing, and they don't always end so well.

 

Good luck.

[Lacessit]

I have never been asked for money by my GF's family, who are quite poor. I occasionally give them some money, or employ a nephew for odd jobs.

As I am twice the size of any of the family, maybe they are too frightened to ask.

Dealing with social media is simple. Either don't be on it to begin with, or block it.

 

[EVENKEEL]

4 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

No advice for your wife, but you might like to stop using Thai racial slurs.

The first time you said 'farang' in my presence would be the last time I spoke with you.

C'mon farang, I'll buy you a wine cooler.

[FritsSikkink]

28 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

I am a farang married to a Thai. Throughout our several years of marriage, her family has made passive-aggressive comments about her marriage (“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”) and has asked me for money through her (which I have always declined to give). Today a relative made a snarky comment about my wife on social media, about how some family members refuse to help out and are deserving of shame, etc. What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me). It is also apparent to her that this standard is not applied to the rest of the Thai husbands in the extended family. She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture.

Advice for you: help your wife and tell the people in her family who do this what a useless bunch they are.

[EVENKEEL]

38 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

I am a farang married to a Thai. Throughout our several years of marriage, her family has made passive-aggressive comments about her marriage (“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”) and has asked me for money through her (which I have always declined to give). Today a relative made a snarky comment about my wife on social media, about how some family members refuse to help out and are deserving of shame, etc. What bothers my wife is this standard, where the farang is expected to do significantly more financial heavy-lifting for the family due to a stereotype in the Thai culture about farangs having lots of money (I am not old and this stereotype does not apply to me). It is also apparent to her that this standard is not applied to the rest of the Thai husbands in the extended family. She feels she is at a breaking point and doesn’t know what to do. Any farang husbands or Thai wives have advice for my wife? Tl;dr Thai wife is having unfair expectations out on her by her family due to stereotypes in Thai culture.

You've got to share age and what you've done so far in regards to taking care of ole lady. I see you're a teacher, probably explains your financial position unless you work at an International school.

[thefarangteacher]

4 minutes ago, EVENKEEL said:

You've got to share age and what you've done so far in regards to taking care of ole lady. I see you're a teacher, probably explains your financial position unless you work at an International school.

We are both mid-30s. I work for an international school. I make enough money that my wife doesn’t have to work, and I give her a part of my salary every month. My wife had a rough childhood: both of her parents were absent for the entirety of it and she grew up with her grandma and grandpa. It is grandma that wants money, and the social media comment came from a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance). 

[NativeBob]

Well, it is very obvious: you use her and her relatives expect her to use you. 

oh maybe there's love? that unconditional one?
ROFL

[Gecko123]

52 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

(“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”)

This comment, in particular, struck me as highly manipulative, not to mention, not particularly true to life. It's obviously manipulative because it uses social pressure to prod the OP into building a house to prove his commitment to the relationship.

 

It's not true to life because, if anything, most family members and villagers are secretly jealous if a village girl's social status suddenly improves, and the village pecking order has to be recalibrated. Why would anybody in the family be concerned about whether the foreigner built a house for the girl? The house would belong to the girl, there's nothing in it for the family, why would they care?

[Callmeishmael]

4 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

 and the social media comment came from a relative that overshares on social media (eg this relative will post pictures of their bank account balance). 

So she is worried about the opinion of someone who is obviously an idiot?

[OneMoreFarang]

It seems there are mostly two options:

a) she gets pressure, and she goes right away to you and gives you pressure.

b) she gets pressure, and she manages it herself without telling you, or maybe she tells you just sometimes.

 

I don't think there is option c in real life in Thailand.

[thefarangteacher]

3 minutes ago, Callmeishmael said:

So she is worried about the opinion of someone who is obviously an idiot?

Not quite, the social media comment was relayed to the idiot relative by grandma. It’s grandma’s thoughts being communicated in a passive-aggressive manner. 

[thefarangteacher]

4 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

It seems there are mostly two options:

a) she gets pressure, and she goes right away to you and gives you pressure.

b) she gets pressure, and she manages it herself without telling you, or maybe she tells you just sometimes.

 

I don't think there is option c in real life in Thailand.

Option b. She has been holding this back from me for a while, but today was the tipping point. 

[spidermike007]

Standing up to your folks, and learning how to refuse to be pressured, guilted, or shamed by them is a very healthy bit of personal development. Learning to say no to your folks, and letting them know when they are doing something very wrong is a beautiful thing. Some Thais will never be able to do that. Some can. It takes alot of maturity and self esteem. 

 

If my in laws were that far off base, and my wife would not stand up to them, I would. Fortunately, mine are very decent and respectful souls. Your wife sounds like she has some rather undeveloped and highly ignorant parents. 

[OneMoreFarang]

13 minutes ago, thefarangteacher said:

Option b. She has been holding this back from me for a while, but today was the tipping point. 

The following is a general reply, but maybe still helpful.

When men hear about a problem, then they want to present a solution.

When women talk about a problem, they want mostly moral support and are not necessary looking for a solution.

With this in mind it is probably the best that you listen to her and tell her something like "I understand you are under a lot of pressure from your family" etc. Hold her hand and make her feel better.

Presenting possible solutions is probably not what she expects.

I know this is very general, but often it is true. 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

1 minute ago, spidermike007 said:

Standing up to your folks, and learning how to refuse to be pressured, guilted, or shamed by them is a very healthy bit of personal development. Learning to say no to your folks, and letting them know when they are doing something very wrong is a beautiful thing. Some Thais will never be able to do that. Some can. It takes alot of maturity and self esteem. 

 

If my in laws were that far off base, and my wife would not stand up to them, I would. Fortunately, mine are very decent and respectful souls. Your wife sounds like she has some rather undeveloped and highly ignorant parents. 

But when you grow up in Thailand and learn to respect your parents and elders for many many years, then it's not so easy to change that behavior.

[thefarangteacher]

3 minutes ago, spidermike007 said:

Standing up to your folks, and learning how to refuse to be pressured, guilted, or shamed by them is a very healthy bit of personal development. Learning to say no to your folks, and letting them know when they are doing something very wrong is a beautiful thing. Some Thais will never be able to do that. Some can. It takes alot of maturity and self esteem. 

 

If my in laws were that far off base, and my wife would not stand up to them, I would. Fortunately, mine are very decent and respectful souls. Your wife sounds like she has some rather undeveloped and highly ignorant parents. 

My wife agrees with your comment 100%. 

[thefarangteacher]

3 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

The following is a general reply, but maybe still helpful.

When men hear about a problem, then they want to present a solution.

When women talk about a problem, they want mostly moral support and are not necessary looking for a solution.

With this in mind it is probably the best that you listen to her and tell her something like "I understand you are under a lot of pressure from your family" etc. Hold her hand and make her feel better.

Presenting possible solutions is probably not what she expects.

I know this is very general, but often it is true. 

 

 

You’re absolutely right. However this is a case where she does want a solution. Hence why she suggested I ask other foreigners with Thai wives if and how they deal with this problem. 

[NextG]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

No advice for your wife, but you might like to stop using Thai racial slurs.

The first time you said 'farang' in my presence would be the last time I spoke with you.

I actually agree with this. None of my friends would allow such a word to fall off their tongue. 
Sadly, it reflects on the kind of people whom with many here associate. I cringe when I hear it. 

[save the frogs]

1 hour ago, thefarangteacher said:

(“make sure you get the farang to build a house for you before he leaves you”)

why does she think you will leave her?

 

prejudice based on perception that foreigners are not committed? past experience from a previous farang boyfriend? 

 

[Lucky Bones]

Man oh man! 

This sounds like Thai nasty at it's worst.

I'm keeping out of this one.

Good luck to all concerned.????????