Could do with some support and advice here ?

[The Cobra]

I’ve been in a relationship for just over three years now. We had a year of long-distance, followed by one year living in the UK, and now we've been here for almost a year. She’s 31 and I’m 53. She struggled to adjust to life in the UK, so we moved back here where she feels more at home.

 

She’s affectionate, but if I’m being honest, she lacks thoughtfulness and can be a bit lazy. Fortunately, she’s not obsessed with money, and food is more her thing. We also don’t have to support her family, which helps.

One thing that has really been bothering me is that she doesn’t seem capable of considering anyone’s needs or feelings other than her own. I’m always thinking about her well-being—whether she’s happy or if there’s something she needs. I handle most of the household chores, like cooking, and I don’t mind it since I prefer things done a certain way. She’s more than happy to leave it all to me. But whenever we have even a minor disagreement, it escalates into a full-blown argument. She’ll tell me she’s going to leave, pack her things, and then change her mind, not letting me leave either. It's like she gets trapped in her own emotions and can’t back down. Her outbursts can be really intense, and if I try to ignore it, she just escalates until she gets a reaction from me.

The reasons I haven’t walked away yet are mainly because I worry about what might happen to her if I leave, and I dread the drama of packing up and trying to get out. It’s frustrating because apart from these episodes, things are actually going really well. We’ve built a decent life together here, and there’s a lot to look forward to.

I think some of her behavior may be linked to hormonal changes. She was on some type of contraception before that made her very volatile for a few months. Then she switched to a different pill, and everything was smooth for half a year. Now that she’s stopped taking it, her unpredictable mood swings have returned. After each argument, she always apologizes and promises it won’t happen again, but it’s a cycle I’m not sure she can break.

Most of the time, I’m content, but when things get bad, it’s unbearable. If I look at our relationship overall, I feel like I’m giving much more than I’m receiving. My biggest worry is how things will be in the future, especially as I get older or if something happens to me. I’ve put some money into fixing up her place, but I’m still in a position where I could leave if I needed to. Financially, I could live modestly here on my own.

So now I’m at a crossroads—should I leave before it gets worse or try to push through and see if things improve?

I’d appreciate any helpful advice and please leave out the cheaps shots and trolling.

[MalcolmB]

Sounds a bit hormonal the way she gets angry then apologizes.

Does it usually happen the week or so before her period? 
 

Where did you meet her? If she was a former sex worker she probably has a lot of  irreparable mental damage.

Is she working now? Is that why you do all the cooking and cleaning.

 

Millions of single attractive women in Thailand, many with normal personalities.

I would cut her off and get a new one. She probably won’t change and when she hits menopause you will be regretting it. 
 

Ideally you don’t want to be doing the housework. Find one that is happy to cook, clean, s… and f….. 

You only live once.

[OneMoreFarang]

7 minutes ago, The Cobra said:

I think some of her behavior may be linked to hormonal changes. She was on some type of contraception before that made her very volatile for a few months. Then she switched to a different pill, and everything was smooth for half a year. Now that she’s stopped taking it, her unpredictable mood swings have returned. After each argument, she always apologizes and promises it won’t happen again, but it’s a cycle I’m not sure she can break.

 

Did she take drugs? Does she take drugs? Are you sure?

Because (illegal) drugs are often part of that behavior.

 

I don't think the situation will get any better by doing nothing. So, apart from possible drug problem, I guess you have to put the foot down - and keep it down. Behave, or else.

Otherwise, she will continue like this forever. And then maybe in 10 years you still ask yourself why you didn't finish this bad situation already. Do it! 

 

And live where you want to live. You are the boss - or at least you should be the boss. 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

Just now, MalcolmB said:

Where did you meet her? If she was a former sex worker she probably has a lot of  irreparable mental damage.

Damage is definitely not restricted to people who worked in that business. 

[Enoon]

32 minutes ago, The Cobra said:

I’ve been in a relationship for just over three years now. We had a year of long-distance, followed by one year living in the UK, and now we've been here for almost a year. She’s 31 and I’m 53. She struggled to adjust to life in the UK, so we moved back here where she feels more at home.

 

She’s affectionate, but if I’m being honest, she lacks thoughtfulness and can be a bit lazy. Fortunately, she’s not obsessed with money, and food is more her thing. We also don’t have to support her family, which helps.

One thing that has really been bothering me is that she doesn’t seem capable of considering anyone’s needs or feelings other than her own. I’m always thinking about her well-being—whether she’s happy or if there’s something she needs. I handle most of the household chores, like cooking, and I don’t mind it since I prefer things done a certain way. She’s more than happy to leave it all to me. But whenever we have even a minor disagreement, it escalates into a full-blown argument. She’ll tell me she’s going to leave, pack her things, and then change her mind, not letting me leave either. It's like she gets trapped in her own emotions and can’t back down. Her outbursts can be really intense, and if I try to ignore it, she just escalates until she gets a reaction from me.

The reasons I haven’t walked away yet are mainly because I worry about what might happen to her if I leave, and I dread the drama of packing up and trying to get out. It’s frustrating because apart from these episodes, things are actually going really well. We’ve built a decent life together here, and there’s a lot to look forward to.

I think some of her behavior may be linked to hormonal changes. She was on some type of contraception before that made her very volatile for a few months. Then she switched to a different pill, and everything was smooth for half a year. Now that she’s stopped taking it, her unpredictable mood swings have returned. After each argument, she always apologizes and promises it won’t happen again, but it’s a cycle I’m not sure she can break.

Most of the time, I’m content, but when things get bad, it’s unbearable. If I look at our relationship overall, I feel like I’m giving much more than I’m receiving. My biggest worry is how things will be in the future, especially as I get older or if something happens to me. I’ve put some money into fixing up her place, but I’m still in a position where I could leave if I needed to. Financially, I could live modestly here on my own.

So now I’m at a crossroads—should I leave before it gets worse or try to push through and see if things improve?

I’d appreciate any helpful advice and please leave out the cheaps shots and trolling.

 

At 53 I had hardly begun my relationship with Thailand, its people........specific individuals.

 

It seems an age ago.

 

Don't waste any more time where you are now.........Thailand is the easiest place in the world to "move on".

 

 

[Dan O]

Its a pretty common issue with Thai women or Thais in general, in my opinion. I've seen this a lot over the decades of being here. They have difficulty maintaining emotions in any disagreement and can often over compensate for little issues.  I think its part of their cultural upbring in that they must hold their emotions in and not air them. Then when things get disturbed they don't have the emotion control once things are going even a little uneasy and tend to blow little issues up to be more than they are. I think they have a problem with spatial thinking and it shows in various situations.

 

My wife does the same things and I've seen it in her sister too. When it starts to escalate its my experience the hard you try to explain or de-escalate it the long it goes. I've taken to just say that I think it would be better to talk a little later about the issue and then remove myself by going outside or a trip to 7 11 and give it some time to cool down. If its truly an insugnifican issue its not worth the mental gymnastics to deal with and if its bigger the cooling off period seems to help 

[KhunLA]

Leave NOW, before she gets pregnant.

 

Life walking on egg shells ... nah, you obviously deserve better IMHO

[Celsius]

So, she is 22 years younger and you somehow expect to be on the same emotional level?

 

She obviously thinks every day she is missing out on life by being with you.  The BIG indicator of this is that she was unable to adjust and wanted to come back home to father Thailand.

 

And being lazy is no excuse. I am actually a maid in the house, but wife works full time earning decent living. If she wasn't working and she was lazy, she would be out of the door. Nothing worse than lazy women. 

 

 

[fredwiggy]

Google Anhedonia. It's a part of clinical depression, and you'll easily spot the symptoms if she has them. Been there. If she has this, it will take a lot of patience to stay, because it's in her hands, and if she disagrees with what she has to do, things will not improve and can get worse. Mood swings are not supposed to be extreme, and happen all the time. She's a little young for menopause., but it's possible . Medications can give a person mood swings also. Wanting to be back here is part of a depressed persons life as "normal". They need easy, routine things to just get by day to day. If she's sleeping a lot, likes to buy online a lot, gets angry easily, doesn't like to socialize with others, uses drugs or excessive drinking to feel good, these are symptoms of anhedonia, and depression. Good luck.

[ChaiyaTH]

So what is your question? This is how women behave, they are like that and as you already know it means nothing when they scream things when angry. Just leave them a while instead of throwing oil on the fire and life moves on. And no, you don't bring it up again later on for debates.

[BritManToo]

You need to change your own attitude,

Stop being confrontational, stop arguing, no mansplaining.

If you're really even tempered and fairly placid, she won't be able to pick fights.

I've learned to do all that, and it makes our cultural differences much easier to manage.

We were the same age as you and your misses when we married, 15 years on and it's great.

[scubascuba3]

So much simpler being single.

 

People say Thais are just big kids, so you can't expect them to be mature

[FriscoKid]

I was in a serious relationship nearly 30 years ago with a Thai woman who had similar issues and it took a huge toll on me. Your partner might have mental health issues that are not so apparent now, but may become more apparent as time goes on. In the case I experienced, the women was bipolar and had anger issues from an abusive childhood. Same sort of emotional highs and lows. They used to call it manic depressive. Now they just call it bipolar. It probably won't get better over time, more likely it will get worse and she could start to drag you down even more with her. 

 

I'm not one to tell anybody what to do with their relationship, but this one seems to have more negatives than positives as you explained. If it were me, I would probably be looking to move on before the situation worsens. 

[BoganInParasite]

You've set out enough facts for a sensible person to know it is time to move on. She made is to 27/28 without you, she can survive again that way. By all means help her on her way in a kind and generous manner if you want to feel less bad, but get rid of her. You're young enough to find another.

[mstevens]

While you say some aspects of your relationship are good, it still sounds like there is a lot of drama - and that's not healthy in a relationship.

 

I dated some women in the past for whom their life was filled with drama. My experience with women who you are unable to talk things out with is that this never changes. And if you can't resolve differences by talking them out and coming to some sort of agreement or compromise, what sort of relationship is that?

 

Do you really want to continue to live like that?! Personally, I couldn't stay with someone who I couldn't discuss issues with rationally, and resolve them without drama or theatrics.

[Brn2Trvl]

Well, it’s an observation from your statements. It seems for the six months that everything was going along smoothly when she was on medication and then stopped taking it. She was simply going through withdrawals and the associated symptoms.. But this to me seems such an obvious reason that you and she would have thought of having her go back onto that medication. Is there some reason you hadn’t?

Other than that, the reason that people get defensive is because they have done something they have transgressed. Of course the solution for that is to come clean about whatever one has been withholding. Communication is the key.

You’re thinking seems to be analytical about the situation. I’d say, push on through to the other side.

 

[norsurin]

18 hours ago, The Cobra said:

I’ve been in a relationship for just over three years now. We had a year of long-distance, followed by one year living in the UK, and now we've been here for almost a year. She’s 31 and I’m 53. She struggled to adjust to life in the UK, so we moved back here where she feels more at home.

 

She’s affectionate, but if I’m being honest, she lacks thoughtfulness and can be a bit lazy. Fortunately, she’s not obsessed with money, and food is more her thing. We also don’t have to support her family, which helps.

One thing that has really been bothering me is that she doesn’t seem capable of considering anyone’s needs or feelings other than her own. I’m always thinking about her well-being—whether she’s happy or if there’s something she needs. I handle most of the household chores, like cooking, and I don’t mind it since I prefer things done a certain way. She’s more than happy to leave it all to me. But whenever we have even a minor disagreement, it escalates into a full-blown argument. She’ll tell me she’s going to leave, pack her things, and then change her mind, not letting me leave either. It's like she gets trapped in her own emotions and can’t back down. Her outbursts can be really intense, and if I try to ignore it, she just escalates until she gets a reaction from me.

The reasons I haven’t walked away yet are mainly because I worry about what might happen to her if I leave, and I dread the drama of packing up and trying to get out. It’s frustrating because apart from these episodes, things are actually going really well. We’ve built a decent life together here, and there’s a lot to look forward to.

I think some of her behavior may be linked to hormonal changes. She was on some type of contraception before that made her very volatile for a few months. Then she switched to a different pill, and everything was smooth for half a year. Now that she’s stopped taking it, her unpredictable mood swings have returned. After each argument, she always apologizes and promises it won’t happen again, but it’s a cycle I’m not sure she can break.

Most of the time, I’m content, but when things get bad, it’s unbearable. If I look at our relationship overall, I feel like I’m giving much more than I’m receiving. My biggest worry is how things will be in the future, especially as I get older or if something happens to me. I’ve put some money into fixing up her place, but I’m still in a position where I could leave if I needed to. Financially, I could live modestly here on my own.

So now I’m at a crossroads—should I leave before it gets worse or try to push through and see if things improve?

I’d appreciate any helpful advice and please leave out the cheaps shots and trolling.

I had a similar lady before.One day i had enough.I warned her about her behavior would have consequences but it only worked for a short time.So i just tood her to leave and not contact me again.I changed my number to be sure she couldn't contact me again.Life is to short to be stucked with this kind of girls.After i finished her i decided to not have a gf again and i never regret that Im living a free life and can do whatever i want.Blaming on birtcontrol pills is a bad excuse for her behavior.Get out of this relationship is my advice.

 

[Thingamabob]

My Thai wife and I have been together for 40 years and we are still happily married. I recognise some of the issues to which you refer, but to a milder degree. I think it is very much up to you to improve your situation. Stay calm, and avoid confrontation. If you are not able to do that I suggest you should move on. It could be that partnering with a Thai is not for you.

[john donson]

a story for DAN youtube channel

 

I also thought my ex was acting out because of disease or hormones

 

it was just narcissims and found it is found a lot here, same as bi-polar

[newbee2022]

Depends on yourself 

If you love her and feels she loves you, then try to talk about with her what you told us here (thank you to open yourself).

It's obvious that you are under pressure and it seems to me being on the road to become a toxic relationship.

However, you can't find an exit and are not able to change your situation by yourself.

So, as a way to a better understanding for each other, you might see a psychologist, specialized for couples.

Obstacle, your wife has to agree. So try to convince her about the advantages to have this opportunity in order to live together in a peaceful and harmonious relation.

If she doesn't, Walk out.

[300sd]

RUN.

[Stevemercer]

We all seem to experience similar issues with our Thai partners to a greater or lesser extent. It's easy to categorise it as narcism (self centred) but it is more complicated.

 

I sometimes think being with a Thai lady is like living with a teenager. It can be great, full of excitement, but you also have to live with the typical teenage emotional outbusts and seemingly self-centred behaviour. You can try dealing with the outbursts as you would for a teenager (mostly try and ignire them).

 

But if it happens all the time, and you can't handle it, maybe it is better to leave. Teenagers eventually grow up, but maybe not your partner. 

[Gottfrid]

18 hours ago, MalcolmB said:

Sounds a bit hormonal the way she gets angry then apologizes.

Does it usually happen the week or so before her period? 
 

Where did you meet her? If she was a former sex worker she probably has a lot of  irreparable mental damage.

Is she working now? Is that why you do all the cooking and cleaning.

 

Millions of single attractive women in Thailand, many with normal personalities.

I would cut her off and get a new one. She probably won’t change and when she hits menopause you will be regretting it. 
 

Ideally you don’t want to be doing the housework. Find one that is happy to cook, clean, s… and f….. 

You only live once.

Wow! For once we actually stand on common ground. Agree 100% and the OP should really consider getting out. Sounds to me, he overthink what would happen to her if he leaves. The answer, is simply nothing that didn´t happen to her before he met her. Also, I feel a fear of leaving, and maybe what she would do to him/herself if he tried. That´s really a big sign of a non-working relationship. In my mind it can only get worse if he stay, and better if he leave..
 

18 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Damage is definitely not restricted to people who worked in that business. 

You are right, but it way more common and visible on people from that business.
 

17 hours ago, ChaiyaTH said:

So what is your question? This is how women behave, they are like that and as you already know it means nothing when they scream things when angry. Just leave them a while instead of throwing oil on the fire and life moves on. And no, you don't bring it up again later on for debates.

Ok, so what you are recommending the OP, is that he should stay, sit in a corner and be a mouse.

[brianthainess]

Set yourself free, there must be 50 ways to leave your lover, just slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Sam , hop on a bus Gus, you don't need to discuss much, just drop of the key Lee, and get yourself free. 

[Lacessit]

From experience, when a relationship is going sour it is futile to try and salvage it. The damage then becomes a source of resentment to the innocent party. The longer one stays, the greater the harm.

 

Whose welfare is more important, yours or hers? Permit me to doubt you can persuade her to change.

 

Having been in one marriage and a long-term defacto relationship where I was shouldering most of the work, my Thai GF is a refreshing, hard-working change.

 

 

 

 

[proton]

Mood swings, lazy, arguments over nothing, un interested in anything going on in the world, obsessed with food, phone and her family. I used to think it might be hormonal, now i think it's just her being Thai. What can you do, it's put up with it or leave, they wont change. 

[AgMech Cowboy]

Hit the road, Jack, don't ya cry no more.  (I refused to believe my eyes and have been with one for 25 yrs. Now she's screwed me over royally. Good luck whichever you decide).

[TheFishman1]

Life is like a box of chocolate run forest run TIT

[soalbundy]

21 hours ago, Dan O said:

Its a pretty common issue with Thai women or Thais in general, in my opinion. I've seen this a lot over the decades of being here. They have difficulty maintaining emotions in any disagreement and can often over compensate for little issues.  I think its part of their cultural upbring in that they must hold their emotions in and not air them. Then when things get disturbed they don't have the emotion control once things are going even a little uneasy and tend to blow little issues up to be more than they are. I think they have a problem with spatial thinking and it shows in various situations.

 

My wife does the same things and I've seen it in her sister too. When it starts to escalate its my experience the hard you try to explain or de-escalate it the long it goes. I've taken to just say that I think it would be better to talk a little later about the issue and then remove myself by going outside or a trip to 7 11 and give it some time to cool down. If its truly an insugnifican issue its not worth the mental gymnastics to deal with and if its bigger the cooling off period seems to help 

How true, when my wife gets snappy I know it's time to remain quiet, in the beginning I would ask whats wrong and she would then flare up, "you can see I'm worried about something, leave me alone", after 30 minutes or so she's back to normal. This morning was a point in question, turns out our son (17) who has just returned from army training is ill but he went to school anyway to catch up on his lessons he missed when training because the end of term exams are just around the corner so she decided to pull him out of class and take him to the doctors, he remonstrated against this but she just left to take him anyway, that stressed her, when she's stressed out I leave her in peace.

[Paul52]

22 hours ago, The Cobra said:

I’ve been in a relationship for just over three years now. We had a year of long-distance, followed by one year living in the UK, and now we've been here for almost a year. She’s 31 and I’m 53. She struggled to adjust to life in the UK, so we moved back here where she feels more at home.

 

She’s affectionate, but if I’m being honest, she lacks thoughtfulness and can be a bit lazy. Fortunately, she’s not obsessed with money, and food is more her thing. We also don’t have to support her family, which helps.

One thing that has really been bothering me is that she doesn’t seem capable of considering anyone’s needs or feelings other than her own. I’m always thinking about her well-being—whether she’s happy or if there’s something she needs. I handle most of the household chores, like cooking, and I don’t mind it since I prefer things done a certain way. She’s more than happy to leave it all to me. But whenever we have even a minor disagreement, it escalates into a full-blown argument. She’ll tell me she’s going to leave, pack her things, and then change her mind, not letting me leave either. It's like she gets trapped in her own emotions and can’t back down. Her outbursts can be really intense, and if I try to ignore it, she just escalates until she gets a reaction from me.

The reasons I haven’t walked away yet are mainly because I worry about what might happen to her if I leave, and I dread the drama of packing up and trying to get out. It’s frustrating because apart from these episodes, things are actually going really well. We’ve built a decent life together here, and there’s a lot to look forward to.

I think some of her behavior may be linked to hormonal changes. She was on some type of contraception before that made her very volatile for a few months. Then she switched to a different pill, and everything was smooth for half a year. Now that she’s stopped taking it, her unpredictable mood swings have returned. After each argument, she always apologizes and promises it won’t happen again, but it’s a cycle I’m not sure she can break.

Most of the time, I’m content, but when things get bad, it’s unbearable. If I look at our relationship overall, I feel like I’m giving much more than I’m receiving. My biggest worry is how things will be in the future, especially as I get older or if something happens to me. I’ve put some money into fixing up her place, but I’m still in a position where I could leave if I needed to. Financially, I could live modestly here on my own.

So now I’m at a crossroads—should I leave before it gets worse or try to push through and see if things improve?

I’d appreciate any helpful advice and please leave out the cheaps shots and trolling.

Maybe some new meds might help, but I doubt things will get easier the older she gets, and it looks like this is having some detrimental effect on your mental health.  In your heart I think you already know what you want and need for a peaceful, healthy good life.  IMHO, life is too short for this kind of stress and drama.  It’s corrosive and damaging.  
You have a lot of yesterdays behind you and fewer tomorrows, but you’re still young enough to enjoy your life.  Don’t waste it.