Breaking News (yet to be confirmed)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, and a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' with out skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

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4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

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13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

First written by John Cleese, a long long time ago...... still funny though

Yes, they can't say Mr Cleese didn't give them enough warning.

Careful or we will reject your application to become the 51st state!

'

.....and what's wrong with kansas ?

The song says everything there is up to date

"......and they've gone about as fur as they can go"

Yes that news has been 'breaking' for many years now. Two more rules:

17. You will learn the proper pronunciation of the letter 'U'; if we wanted the ooh sound, we would not have created the letter U in the first place.

18. Mistletoe is a parasitic plant that grows on trees and shrubs and is hung on roofs during Christmas festivities by unattractive women desperate to snare any available man. It is not ballistic in nature. There is no such thing as a ballistic mistle.

I see Yorkie hasn't kept in touch with the Jokes forum--that one must have been posted about 20 times already

Normal for a senior citizen to be rather slow and forgetful.

Revoked

One of the blokes that signed that came from Wolverhampton. ( As do a number of the lads from Slade )

Rule #19

Henceforth and from hereon, you shall add the "R" sound to any and every word that ends with an "a", such as "area". Even though such words do not end with an "r", you shall pronounce it thus any ways.

Those who resist re-integration into the Empire will be rounded up and sent to re-education camps, where they will eat nothing but deep fried foods and be forced to watch re-runs of old British sitcoms until their brains resemble mushy peas.

As these people will be pretty much useless once their re-education is complete, they will be sold shipped to other former colonies where they will use their newly acquired language and culinary skills to convert the locals into acceptable sub-citizens once again.

Please note that these rules must be implemented forthwith, as I am not getting any younger and all must completed before Charles gets his hands on it and <deleted> it all up.

regarding rule 11, the worst UK accent by an American was Rene Zellweger in Brigitte Jones.

I'll see that, and raise you Dick Van Dyke in Marry Poppins.

Brad Pit, Richard Gere, the list is endless of colonial boys who have tried to play Irish terrorists. Trumps all of them.

11. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

That hasn't really helped Hugh Grant much.

Agree on that one Kat, an ability to act should be the primary consideration ....... and there are plenty of English actors that can do that.

11. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

That hasn't really helped Hugh Grant much.

Elizabeth Hurley seems to do all right though.

And they normally cast UK types for all the James Bonds.

(and at least when they cast Americans as British characters, we can understand what they are trying to say !)

Agree on that one Kat, an ability to act should be the primary consideration ....... and there are plenty of English actors that can do that.

Clive Owens does alright.

Bob Hoskins..............Best there is

I'll see that, and raise you Dick Van Dyke in Marry Poppins.

Agreed. It was an abomination!

(thanks for not pointing out that I spelt Mary with one too manny R's)

One of my favourite actors is a true genius, he has played an English undercover spy several times and a two thousand year old Spaniard amongst other roles, and his voice has never changed.

'

.....and what's wrong with kansas ?

The song says everything there is up to date

"......and they've gone about as fur as they can go"

There is plenty wrong with the State, I live there!!!

Now, McDowell, in Four Weddings ,wasn't her character supposed to be American?

(thanks for not pointing out that I spelt Mary with one too manny R's)

One of my favourite actors is a true genius, he has played an English undercover spy several times and a two thousand year old Spaniard amongst other roles, and his voice has never changed.

Sean Connery of course !

(Who is actually Scottish if I'm not mistaken ?)

Richard Burton as the best speaking voice ever....

"No-one would have believed, in the last years of the nineteenth century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No-one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes; and slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us."

da da daaaaah da da daaaaah

(thanks for not pointing out that I spelt Mary with one too manny R's)

One of my favourite actors is a true genius, he has played an English undercover spy several times and a two thousand year old Spaniard amongst other roles, and his voice has never changed.

Sean Connery of course !

(Who is actually Scottish if I'm not mistaken ?)

You are correct...the one and only James Bond!

(thanks for not pointing out that I spelt Mary with one too manny R's)

One of my favourite actors is a true genius, he has played an English undercover spy several times and a two thousand year old Spaniard amongst other roles, and his voice has never changed.

Sean Connery of course !

(Who is actually Scottish if I'm not mistaken ?)

You are correct...the one and only James Bond!

Indeed....... but the latest bloke is very good.

(there has only been one truly naff Bond)

George Lazenby?

Spot on.

Lazenby was an unarmed combat instructor with the Australian Army Special Forces. Ironically, he had the best real life training to be James Bond.

Lazenby was an unarmed combat instructor with the Australian Army Special Forces. Ironically, he had the best real life training to be James Bond.

Girl friend of mine at the time did some Big Fry adverts with him.

Great adverts, but neither of them could act for nuts!