Worst Joke Ever

[White Christmas13]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

[White Christmas13]

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

[laislica]

THE FIRST MESSAGE:

Hey Bill ---- This is Tony next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying

to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much...

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.

I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Tony

THE ACTION:

Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour

Tony dead.

He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

Hey Bill --- This is Tony next door again.

Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.

I know you'll figure it out anyway,

but I’m sure you noticed that my auto-correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.

[laislica]

[laislica]

Ain't it great in the UK eh?

Some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door

so I pretended to look in my bag for my son's juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen ?
Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's , don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV,

that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a license"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers,

that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

With that, the door was closed.

[55Jay]

Ain't it great in the UK eh?

tvlicrncing.jpg

Some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door

so I pretended to look in my bag for my son's juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen ?

Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's , don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV,

that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a license"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers,

that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."

With that, the door was closed.

What's he doing there with that green box and a speaker plugged in his ear?

[laislica]

A follower of Tantric Buddhism was asked for her favorite position, she replied,

The plumber

because that is when you stay in all day

and nobody comes.

[laislica]

Why I really love Spanish!

and you thought Thai was hard!

[laislica]

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barack goes first. "What will the USA be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

David thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will England be like in 100 years' time?"

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

Come on David" says Barack, "What does it say"

David replies, "Buggered if I know! .
It's not in English!"

[KarenBravo]

Worst joke ever?

Trump as president.

[White Christmas13]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[laislica]

[Ron19]

Barbie Dolls

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in

the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for

$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95”.

The amazed father asks: “It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of

Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.”

[laislica]

[laislica]

[Ron19]

[Ron19]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep!"

[Rob13]

[Wilsonandson]

Funny Memes inspired by William's adventures in Thailand.

[laislica]

The Colander of Turin.

I always get a steamy-Holy Water kind of excited, about to get slipped the straight spaghetti,

no limp noodle,

let's just skip the sauce and get right down to the pasta

sort of reverential awe (or possibly I ate too much damn pasta) feeling when gazing upon the Holey Relic.

(Apparently the water stayed in the bowl and the spaghetti would slip out thru the holes.)

Edited March 15, 2016 by laislica

[laislica]

When I was a kid................No Wait, I still do that

[laislica]

[laislica]

The best come-back line ever.

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse,

Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

He explained: "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around." he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,

cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"Guess I was really into it, y'know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said:
'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

Edited March 15, 2016 by laislica

[laislica]

[laislica]

Please hold my e-mails until further notice. I am in the hospital .

I was attacked by a woman in an elevator. A witness got her photo.

I was in the elevator when she got in.

I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,

"Could you press one for me please .

So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.

[Ron19]

[Ron19]

[Ron19]

Irish Fire Insurance


A man and his wife moved back home to Cavan, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'

[JB300]

Pension Sex.PNG

So the pensioner asks his mate, "anyway, how often do you have sex"

"infrequently" his mate replied.

"Is that one word or two"?

[Ron19]

A 13 year old boy had difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious, but after a friend's suggestion they felt
a private Catholic school would be more effective.

His grades began to rise dramatically after the switch.
When asked what helped him so much, he responded:

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Edited March 16, 2016 by Ron19