Worst Joke Ever

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[chiang mai]

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump , Nevada.

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
 

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

 

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

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[White Christmas13]

Throwing away garbage
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

 

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

 

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

 

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

 

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

 

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

 

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

 

"No. This is the American Embassy."

[White Christmas13]

Learning Chinese terms
Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

 

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

 

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

 

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

 

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

 

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

 

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

 

Kum Hia: Approach me

 

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

 

Lao Ze: Not very good

 

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

 

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

 

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

 

Shai Gai: A bashful person

 

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

 

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

 

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

 

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

 

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

 

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

 

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

 

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

 

 

[White Christmas13]

Good & bad news
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

 

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

 

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

 

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

 

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

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[nikmar]

Man: So tell me doc., do I have cancer?

Doctor: Short answer, yes.

Man: Oh my God. What's the long answer?

Doctor: Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.

[MJCM]

13 hours ago, White Christmas13 said:

Good & bad news
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

 

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

 

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

 

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

 

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

 

You posted this already Thursday . SO my question is do you have ...... ? (I forgot what I wanted to write

 

 

Edited September 21, 2016 by MJCM

[White Christmas13]

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor;
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

 

I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin' down da road.... '

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feelin'?
'Now, wot da <deleted!> would you say?'

 

 

[chiang mai]

A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying : 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.

So he changed the sign to read : 'Fridge for sale $ 50.'

The next day someone stole it !

[chiang mai]

A true story:

 

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives) happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

  

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal ?'

  

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

  

'What sort of question ?' asked Pelosi.

  

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one ?'

  

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you ? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Edited September 21, 2016 by chiang mai

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The like button is not enough.

I want a Ha Ha button as well!

and a Get your coat button!

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