Joe figured out a way to remember his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist and told them to send different varieties and styles of flowers to his wife on those dates, along with a note signed, "Your loving husband or variations of that phrase and paid from his company account as "personal expenses" so the wife would not find out

 

His wife was thrilled by the attention, and all was great for many years until his last anniversary.

 

Joe came home, saw the bouquet, kissed his wife, and said,

 

"Wow Honey! Nice flowers. What did you do for your Boss to get them?"

 

The divorce hearing is next week.

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery.

On her next birthday he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it.

"What are you complaining about?" he fires back.

 

 

"You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year."

A teenage blonde brings her first ever serious boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings his language (or lack of it) and his total bearing etc.

Later, the girl’s mom says, "Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter.

"If he wasn’t a nice boy, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service and wear an expensive electronic bracelet on his ankle?"

Why are you firing bullets at my sporin? I don't even drink coke!

sporran

 noun a small pouch worn around the waist so as to hang in front of the kilt as part of men's Scottish Highland dress.

　

ORIGIN

C18: from Scottish Gaelic sporran.

 

 

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

 

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

 

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

 

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

 

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

 

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

 

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

 

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

 

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT

 

WHEN YOU GO IN THE KITCHEN AND OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR AND LOOK IN AWE BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT YOU CAME TO GET!!!

 

CCGOF Humor

As it's the cold season here now, my wife bought herself a sheepskin burkqa, to keep warm.

She looks like mutton dressed islam....

Just got back from the Sperm Donor clinic.
The nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said "I'm not sure if I'm ready for competitive w*nk*ng......

Worst joke ever?

Trump to be re-elected with landslide victory in 2020....

 

3 hours ago, jumbo said:

Worst joke ever?

Trump to be re-elected with landslide victory in 2020....

 

That should be in the unsolved crime section not the joke section!

 

44 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

That should be in the unsolved crime section not the joke section!

Or the Nightmare forum!

4 minutes ago, wayned said:

Or the Nightmare forum!

Or how about any of these real TV Forums

puzzles & riddles

Visa & Migration to other Countries

Image posting Issues

Bedlam

 

Have you ever met a gay welsh toolmaker?  You'll find one on Dai Grindr 

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.

So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

 

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.

When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.

I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'

He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"

 

"If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?"

 

Easiest job in the world of course:

Australian psychiatrist, "G'day G'day how you doing… no worries… next."

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that!