Worst Joke Ever

[tryasimight]

22 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

Do you have any jokes to post?

[riceyummm]

[jenny2017]

 

 

                Somchai Orwill 2018

 

       

[riceyummm]

[jenny2017]

3 hours ago, riceyummm said:

 

[fasteddie]

52 minutes ago, jenny2017 said:

 

Ha Ha, I get it, that's not a magic mushroom that's a Fly Agaric, poisonous but rarely deadly

[jenny2017]

6 minutes ago, fasteddie said:

Ha Ha, I get it, that's not a magic mushroom that's a Fly Agaric, poisonous but rarely deadly

Free Somtham Lao Style for one week. Please pick it up in person......

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

At the end of the day, I parked my police van in front of the Police Station house. My K-9 partner, Jake, was in the back barking, which caught the attention of a boy who was passing by.

"Is that a dog you have back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I said.

 

"What did he do wrong?"

[bluesofa]

2 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

At the end of the day, I parked my police van in front of the Police Station house. My K-9 partner, Jake, was in the back barking, which caught the attention of a boy who was passing by.

"Is that a dog you have back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I said.

 

"What did he do wrong?"

"He was barking up the wrong tree."

[scottiejohn]

12 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

"He was barking up the wrong tree."

I think the dog was claiming it had been assaulted as it kept going "Ruff Ruff" (translated as rough rough). 

[scottiejohn]

[jenny2017]

3 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Is its name by any chance  "Muggy"? 

[scottiejohn]

 

A Texan visiting London was seeing the sights from the top of an open bus.

Each time the guide pointed out an historic building, the Texan would say, The Tower of London, eh?

Why, back home we could put up a building like that in two weeks.'

 

The guide was becoming very annoyed so when they passed St Paul's Cathedral the guide remained silent.

'Say, what's that building?' asked the Texan.

 

'I don't know, sir,' said the guide. 'It wasn't there this morning.'

[scottiejohn]

Just now, jenny2017 said:

Is its name by any chance  "Muggy"? 

Oh you mug.  At least you did not bottle it.

 

PS;  No hard feelings "jenny017" I hope and lets all joke along together!

[bluesofa]

12 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I think the dog was claiming it had been assaulted as it kept going "Ruff Ruff" (translated as rough rough). 

Nah, I think he was leading them on.

edit: In fact, leading them on to the haberdashers to get his collar felt.

Edited February 18, 2018 by bluesofa

[scottiejohn]

16 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

Nah, I think he was leading them on.

edit: In fact, leading them on to the haberdashers to get his collar felt.

Nah,  I think it was a bitch, not a "he",  as she became a back seat driver.

I also wonder if she was collared for any offence. 

Do you want a Paws for more input?

 

Edited February 18, 2018 by scottiejohn
short paws!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My secretary liked to yammer on the phone with friends.

One day I was about to interrupt her chat to tell her to get back to work, when she looked up at the clock and put an end to the conversation.

 

"Sorry, I have to hang up now," she said.

 

"It’s time for my break."

[scottiejohn]

Reverse Fishing Bait?

Edited February 18, 2018 by scottiejohn

[jenny2017]

11 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I had a different ending in mind.. When the cop said papers, he handed him over his Rizzla oversize rolling papers that weren't really just papers. . 

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

16 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

I had a different ending in mind.. When the cop said papers, he handed him over his Rizzla oversize rolling papers

 

 

 

 

 

 

and said "Thanks Officer, that is so kind, what brand of Tobacco are you offering?" or "Thanks Officer but just fill and roll them with straight tobacco, I don't want done for driving under the influence of drugs"

Edited February 19, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

16 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

I hope that your wife will get it, Google might not help you here.........

You are quite correct!  Google has nothing to do with what the wife gets from me- I hope!

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

The Lone Ranger was captured by the Indians. The Chief spoke in front of his tribe to The Lone Ranger. "In three days you will die an unimaginable nasty death BUT, we are not cruel people so you can have three wishes for each day you have left. And if these wishes seem Ok they will be granted. What do you wish for?"

 

"I'd like to speak to my horse."

 

"That's OK Lone Ranger; go ahead."

 

The Lone Ranger whispers in his horse's ear and off Silver gallops. That night Silver returns with a mountain Lion on his back. The lion goes into the tent but is chased out by The Lone Ranger. The next morning, in front of his people, the Chief speaks again.

 

"Two days left Lone Ranger; two wishes!! What do you wish for?"

 

"I'd like to speak to my horse."

 

"Again!!??” All the tribe laugh. “That's OK Lone Ranger; go ahead."

 

The Lone Ranger whispers in his horse's ear and Silver gallops off. That night Silver returns with a lovely, long-leg cowgirl on his back. The girl goes into the tent but is later kicked out by The Lone Ranger. The next morning everyone is assembled and the Chief speaks again.

 

"One day left Lone Ranger; one wish!! What do you wish for?"

 

"I'd like to speak with my horse."

 

"Again!!??" The whole tribe roll up in laughter. "Seems a waste of wishes to us but; go ahead."

 

The Lone Ranger whispers in his horse's ear. "Silver, now listen good. For the third and last time GO GET POSSE."

Edited February 19, 2018 by owl sees all

[scottiejohn]

 

A man arrives at the pearly gates and Saint Peter is not expecting him.

"I'm sorry sir. Are you sure you are supposed to be up here?"

"Of course! I certainly don't belong down there," said the man.

Saint Peter goes through his book again and even cross referenced his social security number but there's no record of him.

"I'm sorry sir. There seems to be a mix up. Have you done any good deeds in your life?"

"Of course I have!" the man said angrily.

"How about that time that I got that old lady's purse back from the biker gang that stole it? Then I ran over all their bikes with my car so they couldn't harm anyone else."

Saint Peter is frantically flipping through his book.

"I'm sorry sir. I don't have any record of such a heroic deed. When did

that happen?"

 

 

The guy said, "About a minute ago."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

As my wife and I were driving through a rural town in Ohio we saw a theatre sign advertising; Tonight only...‘MELVIN THE MAGNIFICENT JEW.' Curiosity got the best of us. The place was packed. The lights finally dimmed and out walked an elderly man in a robe. When the spotlight came upon him he removed his robe and stood before us wearing nothing but a yamaka. He had the largest p*nis anyone had ever seen. HUGE! He walked over to a table lined with walnuts. He picked up his manhood with both hands and smashed all the nuts to bits. The place erupted in a standing ovation that lasted well after Melvin left the stage.

 

Twenty years later we were driving through that town again and we saw the same sign. Tonight only...‘MELVIN THE MAGNIFICENT JEW.' We couldn't believe it. The place was packed again. When Melvin walked out and removed his robe. We couldn't believe he looked exactly the same. He hadn't changed a bit. He walked over to a table lined with coconuts. He picked up his tremendous manhood with both hands and smashed all the coconuts, raining milk and husks on the audience. A ten minute standing ovation ensued. After the show we went backstage to meet Melvin.

 

"Twenty years ago you smashed walnuts. Why did you switch to coconuts?"

 

 

Melvin told us, "Eh. My eyesight ain't what it used to be."