On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You Must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her Car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must  park...."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

 

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bl00dy car in the garage this time.

Little Emma came home from school. "Mummy, the boys keep asking me to do handstands against the wall.

" Mother said "Yes dear, they only want to see your knickers."

" I know" said Emma, "

That' why I took them off!"

Good to see Fred Flintstone made it into work today....

High school principal?

There time capsule??

Hmmmm!

 

 

 

 

 

Not funny but fascinating!

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

 

 

How are they on the cover if they're posing for it

 

 

 

 

 

 

I told my boss I needed a pay rise, I said that three other companies were after me.

Boss: "Which ones?"

I said "Electric, gas, and the water!"

Fart Dixie

A broke dirty Cowboy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart Dixie in three keys!" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song before, so he agrees.

The Cowboy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience start applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience start cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to s**t all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leave.

The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart Dixie! Not s**t all over my stage!" And the Cowboy replies,

 

"Hey! Even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat before he sang!"

 

A famous objet d'art collector is walking through a run down area when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store, and he does a double take. He knows the saucer is very old and valuable, so he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for ten dollars.

But the store owner says, "I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch mice. Look I’ll give you fifty dollars for him.". The owner says, "Sold," takes the cash and tells the art collector he can have the cat.

The collector then says, "Listen, for the fifty bucks I’ve already paid I wonder if you’d throw in that old saucer as well. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me buying a dish."

 

The owner says, "Sorry, buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight stray cats and you better chase that one as its off down the street after my little cat that’s on heat."

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `

"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" `

When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. `

"God Almighty!" ` shouted Mary.

Teacher said, `"Very good", ànd Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary,

"Who is our Lord and Saviour?"

'But, Mary did not even stir from hers lumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

`"Jesus Christ!" ` shouted Mary this time.

The teacher said, `"That's very good Mary", ànd again Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.

`"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her last child?" `

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted,

 

"Ìf you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I will break it in half!"

   A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:

 

     “What is your name?”

    Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

    Businessman: “Lovely name ...any

    relation to Mercedes Benz?”

   Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

   Businessman: “How close?”

 

     

  Flight Attendant: “Same price"

Anyone thirsty much?

 

A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost.

Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost.

The week after she prayed to god, and she lost.

She prayed to god again, "Why wont you let me win?"

God replied, "How about buying a ticket first?"

　

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

 

Gene Pitney's undertakers told his family that it would take about a week to make him a coffin from oak, or 24 hours from balsa..

 

Emergency Room

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this" said the man.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

You may have to be aware of the New Zealand accent to appreciate this.

 

With apologies to me Kiwi friends….

 

NZ PM Jacinta Adern just gave a lengthy press conference in which she explained she will need to take a month and a half off around the time of the birth, and how her partner, the baby’s father, will be a stay at home dad when she returns to work.

Unfortunately her Kiwi accent didn’t help clarify exactly what her priorities are, when she stated:
‘After sex weeks off I will be back on dick’..

2 hours ago, Ron19 said:

After sex weeks off I will be back on dick’..

"Come" again,  I didn't quite get (enough of) it!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin."

 

 The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

 So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art.

 

 The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "

 

 He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"