Capitalization and punctuation can really change a sentence.

 

Example:

1 - I like to eat cheese cakes.

2 - I like to eat capitalization and punctuation..

 

8 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

Capitalization and punctuation can really change a sentence.

 

Example:

1 - I like to eat cheese cakes.

2 - I like to eat capitalization and punctuation..

 

Am I being sentenced to someone eating my words.  If so I will capitalise on it after a short period.

????

OK Gentlemen, I think we now have enough material to decide a winner....

So could everybody please..

1 - Go back to page 1 of this threat.

2 - Read it all again from page 1 to 637.

3 - Take note (post number) of the top 3 for your taste.

4 - Come back here to post the top 3, when everyone is done with 3 picks, we will start the poll...

 

See you again in 2-3 months on page 637 ???? 

When warfie started this thread he wanted jokes that made you laugh and cringe at the same time. Most of the jokes posted are just too funny.

 

+++

 

A pretty, young lady had developed a new stage act. She would go on stage naked and invite members of the audience to push sweets into her vagina.

 

One night she started her routine as usual. First guy had a sweet which he slipped into her. The crowd waited expectantly, "Let me think for a second", she said before exclaiming "spangle", The crowd went wild. She squirted out the sweet. Next it was a younger man's turn. Again the sweetie was slipped into her. "Let me think for a second", said she before shouting out "M & M", Again the sweet was squirted out as before.

 

This was just the start. Audience members queued to try to catch her out. Over 30 audience members tested her and not once was she wrong.

 

Towards the end of the line was a man who had forgotten to bring a sweet. When it was his turn he quickly undid his zip and slipped his 9 inch long penis into the sticky hole. "Let me think for a second", she said before saying "I don't know the sweet's proper name but it's a treat". 

 

The audience went bananas.

1 hour ago, owl sees all said:

When warfie started this thread he wanted jokes that made you laugh and cringe at the same time. Most of the jokes posted are just too funny. 

I agree.

 

Customer: "This bouncy castle is twice the price I paid last year."

 

Bouncy castle renter: "Well, that's inflation for you".

Talking of cringeworthy jokes ...

 

 

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

 

Because they’re really good at camouflage.

I'm cringing. But not enough!

 

+++

 

The Great Dongo was to appear at the town theater on Saturday night. His special act was to make love to (shag) 10 women; one after the other.

 

His agent had been doing a grand promotional job. Interest was huge. It was 10 quid entry. But if The Great Dongo could not fulfill his act (fail) then everyone would get free drinks at the bar.

 

Come Saturday night, and the place was packed out. Great excitement. First the girls arrived on stage. They undressed and got into position. Some on their backs and some on all fours. They were a mixed bunch. slim, dark, fat, white, young, old. That didn't matter 'cause The Great Dongo could handle them. Then The Great Dongo came onto the stage. There was great cheering and whistling and hooting.

 

The show began.

 

After 5 minutes the first lady had been satisfied and The Great Dongo had ejeculated. He moved on to the next lady; no problem. Then the next. However, after 6 ladies had been looked after, The Great Dongo began to slow noticeably. Signs of fatigue perhaps? And much to the delight of the audience he moved onto number 7. And after a real struggle to number 8 and then onto number 9.

 

After lady number 9 had been seen to, The Great Dondo was exhausted. The crowd were getting restless. They began chanting his name; "Dondo, Dongo, Dongo." But it was no good. The Great Dongo just couldn't rise to the occasion and sort the last lady out.

 

The curtain came down. The audience booed and rushed to the bar for their free drinks.

 

Visibly unhappy, The Great Dongo's agent approached his dejected man.

 

"What happened out there tonight. You performed great at rehearsal this afternoon."
 

Are we getting there warfie?

 

+++

 

The English teacher had the attention of the small children.

 

Now today children we are going to say a word beginning with a certain letter and then explain to the others in the class what it means. Now let's start with the letter 'A'.

 

Can anyone tell the class a word beginning with 'A'?

 

Little April puts up her hand. Please Miss; ant begins with 'A'. Wonderful April; your name does too, how super. Now April would you tell the class what an ant is. Yes miss; an ant is a little insect. Lovely April. And we don't hurt ants do we children. 'No!' Now is there anyone else who would like to have a go. Yes Billy; you have your hand up. Yes Miss I think 'A' for a--hole. Now Billy that's not a very nice word. And we don't like those words heard in the classroom.

 

Let's move on to 'B'. 

 

Little April again put up her hand. Miss, I think butterfly begins with 'B'. Yes you are right dear girl. Now tell the class what a butterfly is. A butterfly is a beautiful, small creature that flies from flower to flower. Yes that is so good April. Anyone else?! Billy puts up his hand. Yes Billy, your name begins with 'B', what is your word. 'B' is for b-----cks. Now Billy that is a crude word and we don't use words like that in the classroom.

 

The Teacher thinks; better to skip 'C'. But feels safe with 'D'.

 

Now children does anyone know a word that starts with 'D'? April puts up her little hand. Yes April. Please Miss, I think dwarf starts with 'D', but I don't know what it means. Well you are right about the word April. Can anyone tell the class what a dwarf is?

 

Billy is well fed-up with the teacher and teacher's pet April. He puts up his hand. Yes Billy; could you tell the class what a dwarf is?

 

Yes Miss. A dwarf is a little <deleted>, with a pair of b-----ks and an a--hole.

This one should do it.

 

***

 

It was the first day of sexual education for the class. But the teacher was an expert and quite experienced.

 

Hi children, or should I say students or young adults. I'd like to start by asking you all a question! Has anyone ever seen a sexual reproductive act? Julie tentatively puts up her hand. Now Julie don't be shy tell your little story.

 

Well Miss, at home we had a rabbit. When we went near the pet shop I saw a lovely white rabbit through the window. Mum bought it and we put it in the hutch with 'Dolly'. Later I went to feed them and 'Whitey' was on top of 'Dolly' and they were shaking. The children started laughing.

Yes Julie! I think that was a sexual reproductive act. Now anyone else?

 

Simon put up his hand. Yes Simon, tell your story. Last Sunday our family went to Stonehenge for a day out. I saw one rock balancing on top of another. Was that sexual reproduction Miss? The children all giggled. 'No Simon'. Rocks cannot experience sexual reproduction. Anyone else; yes Billy.

 

I was watching the tele last night and John Wayne was after the Indians. He crept round this big rock, a very big grey rock, and an Indian jumped on his back and started whacking him with his tomahawk. Was that sexual reproduction Miss? He asked casually.

 

Now Billy, I'm not sure if you are pulling my leg on this one. What do you think?

 

I don't think it was sexual 'what ever' Miss, 'cause it would take more than one Indian to <deleted>> John Wayne.

On 10/25/2018 at 5:15 PM, CantSpell said:

OK Gentlemen, I think we now have enough material to decide a winner....

So could everybody please..

1 - Go back to page 1 of this threat.

2 - Read it all again from page 1 to 637.

3 - Take note (post number) of the top 3 for your taste.

4 - Come back here to post the top 3, when everyone is done with 3 picks, we will start the poll...

 

See you again in 2-3 months on page 637 ???? 

Save all the hassle (I've already read them all) I vote you as a prime contender in both categories of best worst joke and worst best Joke. ( a non seeing owl along with many others comes to mind as additional nominees!)

 

I would like to add a new category of "The biggest out loud groan" award.  This is where you are in public, read one of these fantastic(?)  posts and groan out loud but are not able to explain, to even your best friend, why you have just read/that sh*t and made a d*ck of yourself in public yet again.

Knock, Knock
 Who’s there?
 Cash.
 Cash who?                                                   (Cashew)
 I didn’t realize you were some kind of a nut!

Knock, Knock
 Who’s there?
 Lettuce.
 Lettuce who?
 Lettuce in! 

At first the earth was flat, then they buried yo mama!

Ham and Eggs – A day’s work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

 Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

 

Me: Cortana, It is meal time, close the window it’s getting chilly in here.

Cortana: Window is in use. Deploying food drone to get chili in here.

15 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Save all the hassle (I've already read them all) I vote you as a prime contender in both categories of best worst joke and worst best Joke. ( a non seeing owl along with many others comes to mind as additional nominees!)

 

I would like to add a new category of "The biggest out loud groan" award.  This is where you are in public, read one of these fantastic(?)  posts and groan out loud but are not able to explain, to even your best friend, why you have just read/that sh*t and made a d*ck of yourself in public yet again.

Kinda like the "silent but deadly fart" award

1 minute ago, wayned said:

Kinda like the "silent but deadly fart" award

Ah!  The old "Smell A-gram".  No one sees them coming till it hits them just below the eyes.

Ps;  They are not so bad if just silent but if they are very moist or hard then a very slow backward bowing exit is required from the group!

An old lady visits a doctor’s clinic.

 

Lady: I have a slight problem with gas, although it doesn’t bother me too much. Whenever I fart, it’s always silent and it never smells. And, to tell you the truth, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I have been here in your clinic. I am sure, you didn’t notice it because there is no smell or sound.

Doctor: I understand. I will give you some pills. Take one pill a day & come back to see me in 4 days.

After 4 days, the old lady comes back and complains to the doctor.

Lady: Doctor, I don’t know what on earth you gave me, but now it stinks terribly whenever I fart.

 

 

Doctor: Great! Now that we have cleared up your nose, let’s work on your hearing.
 

Knock knock. Who is there? Egbutt. Egbutt who? Egg but no bacon.

 

What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up? An umbrella.

 

My wife is so fat she sits around the house.

 

A little boy was having a pee against the lamp post. A policeman walks over. "Young man do you know that is against the law?" The boy replies "No sir. It's against the lamp post."

 

A robber rushes into a post office waving a shot gun. He runs towards the first counter. "This is a,,,," He trips over the mat, and the gun goes flying away somewhere. He sheepishly pulls himself up to face the teller. The teller asks "is this a stick-up?" The robber glances around but cant see the gun, "No it's a <deleted>-up. First class stamp please."

If there's 6 inch in, 6 inch out and 6 inch going in and out, then how big is it?

 

<deleted> Massive

• Sure, I drink brake fluid … But I can stop anytime!

• I just found out that I’m color blind … The news came completely out of the green!

• My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me … I think she’s just being clothes-minded!

• Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? … There was nothing left but de Brie!

• What do you call an overweight psychic? … A four-chin teller!

• A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes … That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!

• I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory … All I did was take a day off!

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”

 

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

 

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

 

“Now really,” the mother says, “These are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

 

“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

 

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

 

“Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.”

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

 

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

 

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

 

The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

 

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

 

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

 

“Because you got an 'F' in sex.”

 

Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween?:

It didn’t have a haunting license.

What would you find on a haunted beach?      

A sand-witch!

 

Baby, I'm a necrophiliac.

How good are you at playing dead?

I am really hooked on that pirate outfit, it looks really hot on you.

Wanna search me for buried treasure?

"Why don't we go somewhere where you can stick a candle in my jack-o-lantern?"

What do you call a spotted Pole dancing ghost?  

Polka-haunt-us

 

Which ghost is the best dancer?  

The Boogie Man with the runny nose!

 Friend: What are you gonna be for Halloween?  

Me: Drunk!

Why couldn't the witch have children?  

Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
 
 
 

I’m taking my pay check in person to the bank, because it’s too little to go by itself.

 

I don’t understand fast food. I’ve been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.

 

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

 

Me: Boss, I’ve got a problem.

Boss: There are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Me: Oh, OK. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza.