Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[WitawatWatawit]

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession

of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They seek solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of an axis with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"

Asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[WitawatWatawit]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

[WitawatWatawit]

A gentleman in the upper reaches of his 'third age' begins dating a much younger woman, and after a time he asks her to marry him. The woman accepts, and as they talk of the life they'll have together she says, "And who knows, dear, we might even have children."

"No, my love," he says, "my parents won't allow it."

"Your parents?" she says, astounded.

"Yes," he says. "Mother Nature and Father Time."

[WitawatWatawit]

Actual excerpts from Hospital notes

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[WitawatWatawit]

And now I'm about to wear out my welcome:

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

What caused the airline to go bankrupt?

Runway inflation.

What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.

What does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

What did the contrarian do when he thought he might be dying?

He went into the living room!

How do small people call each other?

On microphones.

How do you organize a space Party? You planet.

What do you get when 3 Hondas play a musical note? Accord

Why did the M&Ms go back to school? Because they wanted to be Smarties.

(and a very clever one)

Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[riceyummm]

A Chinese immigrant goes to a bank to exchange some yuan for us dollars, She gets 6.294 dollars/yuan for a rate. Next day she goes back with more yuan and only gets 6.18 dollars/yuan. She's confused and asks why she got more yesterday. The teller just says "Fluctuations". She gets all pissed off and yells "Fluc chu white people too!"

[loong]

I told it better

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/269250-worst-joke-ever/page-62#entry6421974

Edited March 11, 2014 by loong

[ozsamurai]

Some seriously sick competition lately, but I am back........

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here". He doesn't react.

There's a band called 1023MB.....they haven't had any gigs yet.

It is a worst joke thread after all

Oz

[loong]

Some seriously sick competition lately, but I am back........

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here". He doesn't react.

There's a band called 1023MB.....they haven't had any gigs yet.

It is a worst joke thread after all

Oz

Definitely worst joke material, I don't understand them at all

Another bad taste joke that I am sure that I have already posted somewhere on this forum. It is one of my favourites

A cruise ship sinks

there are only 3 survivors that get washed up on a desert island, 2 guys and 1 girl.

Anyway, pretty soon all 3 give in 2 their basic instincts and do what comes naturally

After 2 months, the girl feels remorse and disgusted with what she is doing with the 2 guys, she kills herself.

Now it is just the 2 guys, and of course they both have needs and after a very short time they both give in to their urges.

After 2 months, the 2 guys feel remorse and are disgusted with what they are doing and so they

Bury her.

Edited March 13, 2014 by loong

[GarryP]

Some seriously sick competition lately, but I am back........

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here". He doesn't react.

There's a band called 1023MB.....they haven't had any gigs yet.

It is a worst joke thread after all

Oz

I had to look that last one up. It flew straight over my head.

[WitawatWatawit]

Some seriously sick competition lately, but I am back........

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here". He doesn't react.

There's a band called 1023MB.....they haven't had any gigs yet.

It is a worst joke thread after all

Oz

Whoa-hoa, a sprint up the middle here to wear the opposition down.

[Thaddeus]

Only make jokes about elements periodically.

[bangkokpoppys]

Some seriously sick competition lately, but I am back........

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here". He doesn't react.

There's a band called 1023MB.....they haven't had any gigs yet.

It is a worst joke thread after all

Oz

Definitely worst joke material, I don't understand them at all

Another bad taste joke that I am sure that I have already posted somewhere on this forum. It is one of my favourites

A cruise ship sinks

there are only 3 survivors that get washed up on a desert island, 2 guys and 1 girl.

Anyway, pretty soon all 3 give in 2 their basic instincts and do what comes naturally

After 2 months, the girl feels remorse and disgusted with what she is doing with the 2 guys, she kills herself.

Now it is just the 2 guys, and of course they both have needs and after a very short time they both give in to their urges.

After 2 months, the 2 guys feel remorse and are disgusted with what they are doing and so they

How is it possible that anything could be so appropriate for this forum!!! Brilliant! Never a more sh1t joke told!!!!

Bury her.

[bangkokpoppys]

What do you call a Greek necrophaeliac?

Con Fukakarkis.

[WitawatWatawit]

What do you call a Greek necrophaeliac?

Con Fukakarkis.

What do you call a Greek parachutist?

Con Descending.

[faraday]

I like Jesus, but he says he loves me. It's awkward.

[loong]

A good selection of Greek jokes

http://www.sickipedia.org/racism/greek

[WitawatWatawit]

ozsamurai has inspired me:

A world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is
walking down the high street one day when he spots an advert
in his local record shop for "Wasp Sounds from around the Globe".

On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this
subject has just been released and a few copies are available in
store there and then. Naturally, being a world-renowned expert
in the sounds of European wasps he is curious and asks the
young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp
Sounds from around the Globe".

A few seconds later the world-renowned expert in the sounds of
European wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations
with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He
removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches
the young sales person’s attention.

"Excuse me" he says, "I'm a world-renowned expert in the
sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
Sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to
be some mistake. Those are no wasp sounds with which I am
familiar."

The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and
assures the world-renowned expert in the sounds of European
wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp Sounds from around
the Globe".

Puzzled, the world-renowned expert in the sounds of European
wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to
listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter
and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I
mentioned before, I am a world-renowned expert in the sounds
of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp Sounds
from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no
wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have
been listening to the correct recording?

Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc
currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:
"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side".

[WitawatWatawit]

Maxims for the Internet Age

-Home is where you hang your @
-The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
-A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
-You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
-Great groups from little icons grow.
-Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
-C:\ is the root of all directories.
-Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
-Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
-The modem is the message.
-Too many clicks spoil the browse.
-The geek shall inherit the earth.
-A chat has nine lives.
-Don't byte off more than you can view.
-Fax is stranger than fiction.
-What boots up must come down.
-Windows will never cease.
-In Gates we trust.
-Virtual reality is its own reward.
-Modulation in all things.
-A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
-There's no place like http://www.home.com
-Know what to expect before you connect.
-Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
-Speed thrills.
-Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

[WitawatWatawit]

What do you get when you cross...

1. A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.

2. A canary with a mole? A miner bird.

A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.

A chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.

A dog with a cantaloupe? A melon-collie baby.

A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.

A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.

A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.

A duck with a steamroller? A flat duck.

A fawn with a hornet? Bambee.

A gorilla and a sheep? A very nice wool coat, except the sleeves are too long.

A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.

A hedghog and a snake? Two yards of barbed wire.

A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.

A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper.

A movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater.

A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.

A pit bull with a collie? A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help.

A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.

A potato with an onion? A potato with watery eyes.

A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.

A spider with a rabbit? A hare net.

A termite with a house? An exterminator.

A tiger with a needle? Pin stripes.

A tree with a baseball player? Babe Root.

A vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.

A vulture with a small grass house? A scavenger hut.

An Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.

An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.

An evangelist with a hockey puck? A puck that saves itself.

An owl with a goat? A hootenanny.

Telly Sevalas with a pool table? A billiard bald.

The Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.

The Green Giant with Robin Hood? A Hoe-Bow.

[WitawatWatawit]

How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.
How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
What colour is a belch? Burple.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? A wine-stoned cowboy.
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.
What is a centrifuge? A place where 100 people hide.
What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy.
What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau.
Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in the dumps.
Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy.

[WitawatWatawit]

1. "Doctor, doctor! Birds keep building nests in my horses' manes! What should I do?" "Sprinkle yeast on them and call me in the morning." "But why?" "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!"
2. "Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're two tents."

That's me for tonight. ozsamurai, you've been challenged!

[loong]

What do you get when you cross...

A dinosaur with a blindfold - a doyouthinkhesawus

[Robby nz]

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the toilet door you’re on.

[ozsamurai]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

Ha Har! throws down the gauntlet once again!!

[Robby nz]

Sign of chronic constipation.

Teeth marks on the toilet seat.

[WitawatWatawit]

Sign of chronic diahhorea.

Skid marks on the toilet seat.

[bangkokpoppys]

Sign of chronic disappointment:

A new pair of underpants purchased, and there's a skid mark already on them.