I took the shell off my racing snail because I thought it would make it faster, but if anything, it's more sluggish.

Mr Ticlkle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams.

However, Tess was reluctant to take on his surname.

What's a crabs favourite song?

Boooom

I went to the doctors the other day.

He said "I haven't seen you for a while."

"No," I replied" I've not been well."

I went to the doctors and he told me to take all my clothes off and stand by the window.

When I asked why, he said; "I don't like the people opposite."

This thread's deteriorating. Thanks to the input of a new member.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A bra and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bra asks for a beer. The barman says no. The bra asks why. The barman says "Cause you're off ya tits and your mates look like they're gonna start something."

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Just to add a bit of balance, and to show that you should never underestimate the Irish:

Murphy calls to see his old English pal, George, who has a broken leg.

George says: "Me feet are f***ing freezing mate. Could you nip upstairs and get me f***ing slippers."

"No bother", he says. He runs upstairs, and there are George's two very beautiful 19 year old twin daughters, who are sitting on their beds, stark naked.

"Hello, dere girls. Your Da sent me up here to shag ya both, he did."

"F*** off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," says Murphy. So he shouts down the stairs: "You did say both of them didn't you, George?"

"Of course I did. What's the use of only f***ing one!"

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.
Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

"I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my Woman text me."
"Steve
thespacebuttononmyphoneisfaultypleasecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."
"As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the fek does 'ternative' mean?

I saw a Facebook status that said:
"Doing my Christmas tree!!!"
There are some people with strange fetishes these days

I hate strip clubs.
I can't touch her, she can't touch me, I can't touch myself, and I have to give her all my cash.
It`s just like being home with the wife.

My daughter brought home a boy from school for the first time the other day. It's fair to say I didn't react brilliantly. They walked into the house, and my daughter introduced us, and said
"Dad, this is Jamie."
"Hello Jamie," I replied, "Darling, why don't you put the kettle on while I have a word with your friend Jamie?"
So as my daughter went to put the kettle on, I sat Jamie down, and warned him,
"If you even...touch her....I'll cut you." And then, Jamie burst into floods of tears.
I guess that's 7 year olds for you.

She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable."

Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her bad grammar

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.

Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

(Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar, half pound butter,

1 tsp. baking powder,

1 cup water,

1 tsp. salt ,

1 cup brown sugar,

Lemon juice,

4 large eggs,

Nuts,

1......bottle Vodka,

2 cups dried fruit

4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.

Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver

Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the Vodka.

Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window.

Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.

Take 2 aspirins and go to bed.

In the morning, throw the whole thing away and

go to Marks & Spencer and steal a cake!

My wife went to the beauty parlour for a facial mud pack.

She looked really nice for a couple of days,..

Then the mud fell off.

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing. I got a <deleted> for a duck, a duck for a <deleted>, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

Remember, children.

The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Can't believe it.

Got home last night and every window had been forced open,

everything worth having had gone and I felt so angry.

After a few minutes I calmed down and thought well,

it's only a flipping advent calendar after all. ....

Mark my words and follow my advice.........

Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday!!..

Paddy and a woman are kissing on a sofa.

After a while the woman says to Paddy,

"Let's take this upstairs."

Paddy says, "Ok,

you grab one end and I'll get the other."

Empathy for a Homesick Snowbird

I was in Green Valley, Arizona the other day, and I saw a bumper sticker on a

parked car that read "I Miss Chicago". So I broke a window, stole the radio,

shot holes in two tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that said,

"Hope this helps”

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

I thought this was apt for this thread, thanks for the barrow load of laughs guys...and have a very merry Xmas

Let us pray......................

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I thought this was apt for this thread, thanks for the barrow load of laughs guys...and have a very merry Xmas

Let us pray......................

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,

Give me the grace to see a joke,

To get some humour out of life,

And pass it on to other folk.

+1

This must be one of the best threads on TV.

A great Christmas and New Year folks.

Was reading a bit about the editor of the Indonesian version of Playboy being arrested for blasphemy and my silly non PC sense of humor got to thinking what the Islamic version would be like.

Lead story :

Naughty Nitas big toe exposed.

Is this an accidental hole in the sock or a deliberate provocative act, police to investigate.

Followed by :

New seasons shades of black previewed.

Should law on blasphemy be changed to include inappropriate dreams, discussion.