Well, with Sbk leaving for the UK in September I think it's our duty to ensure she's prepared properly for the journey. So lets teach her all she needs to know to survive in the two intervening weeks.

Here's a few do's and don'ts for visiting Britain.

Do: Forget everything that Hollywood has taught you about the place.

Don't: forget what you learned from Monty Python's Flying Circus, it's actually a fairly accurate portrayal.

Do: Eat a lot of curries. Britain has the best curry restaurants in the world.

Don't: Eat anywhere else.

Do: Drink a wide range of local beers.

Don't: Mistake them for American beers. This stuff will actually get you drunk.

Do: Have a scrumpy or two.

Don't: Have five or six.

Do: See all the major London historical sights.

Don't: Stay there too long.

Do: see Stonehenge, Stratford-upon-Avon, Edinburgh, Blackpool.

Don't: believe any of the places that claim to be the birthplace of The Beatles, king Arthur, Robin Hood, etc......

Do: get a rail pass. They're the cheapest way a foreigner can see the country.

Do: Meet colourful local characters.

Don't: Forget that the language is a bit different. If someone asks if you want to see his Willie, he isn't talking about you meeting his brother.

nice one vic

Truth is, while I have never been to the UK I am fairly well versed in the lingo, most of our guests are British. I can even understand a bit of Scouser (just don't let them get too drunk that is!) I have no intention of trying to keep up with the locals as far as drinking goes, am already a lightweight so probably two beers will do me just fine

and yes, being the woman that I am, I have a fair, um shall we say grasp? of the rude words

If someone says "Can I bum a fag?" they are asking for a ciggy.

Here are a few suggestions

Lawnmower Museum

http://www.lawnmowerworld.co.uk/

The Middlesbrough Transporter Bridge

http://www.middlesbrough.gov.uk/ccm/naviga...D74C99B5BEB3254

Hunterian collection at the Royal College of Surgeons,

http://www.rcseng.ac.uk/museums

National Pigeon Association Shows

http://www.nationalpigeonassociation.co.uk...hows/4527485075

The Oldest Sweet Shop In England

http://www.oldestsweetshop.co.uk/sweets.as...11&swtid=37

World Bog Snorkelling Championships

http://www.oldestsweetshop.co.uk/sweets.as...11&swtid=37

Annual Cheese Rolling Championship, Coopers Hill, Gloucestershire

http://www.cheese-rolling.co.uk/

Strathdon, The Lonach Games Caber Tossing

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/936054

Museum of London, Bedlam Section

http://www.museumoflondon.org.uk/archive/e...edlam/f_bed.htm

I have lots more if these appeal.................

.

Don't forget pack extra U's. Your need them to deal with the humour and colour.

Good point, we know how to use our 'u' in this part of the world...

Don't ever use the word 'fanny'. It doesn't mean the same in the UK as it does in the US

Don't ever use the word 'fanny'. It doesn't mean the same in the UK as it does in the US

Yes, I know. I am well versed in profanity in several languages

Actually, if you can get down to Stratford On Avon, its well worth a visit - its the town i was born in and grew up in - a large % of drinking houses available in this small little town

Warwick castle is good for a visit also if you get the time, i took the wife there when we were back in the UK in June, a good day out!

Dont forget to bring me chocolate - i cant stand this thai stuff, Cadbury's please

Warwick castle is good for a visit also if you get the time, i took the wife there when we were back in the UK in June, a good day out

True, it's probably one of the best restorations of the "classic" castles in all of the country. Do they still have the wax figures in there?

Yep - not bad either, the ones you encounter coming out of the Dungeons are very lifelike!

Also, it *is* worth paying the extra to go on the Dungeon trip - its more of a show than looking at instruments of torture etc, but it is good fun and very entertaining

you can always toddle on down to Brighton an' pretend that yer meeting me fer a 'dirty weekend' (not the real me...the handsome 22 y.o. in the previously posted foto... )

Brighton is known as a trysting place in contemporary british mythology...it also ain't bad as a day trip from London with colorful scenery, etc...one hour by train from Victoria station...

only piece of advice is could offer Ms Victoria not so secret beware of picadilly circus but on a more serious note, why not arrange for TV UK PISSUP while you are there. Not much to organise really considering the audience but could be worth a few good photos from the nearest police station.

Actually, if you can get down to Stratford On Avon, its well worth a visit - its the town i was born in and grew up in - a large % of drinking houses available in this small little town

Warwick castle is good for a visit also if you get the time, i took the wife there when we were back in the UK in June, a good day out!

Dont forget to bring me chocolate - i cant stand this thai stuff, Cadbury's please

The Warwick Castle's in West London - had some good beers there, too

only piece of advice is could offer Ms Victoria not so secret beware of picadilly circus but on a more serious note, why not arrange for TV UK PISSUP while you are there. Not much to organise really considering the audience but could be worth a few good photos from the nearest police station.

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Watch-Britis...le-t289004.html

Rochdale has good Pie, Peas and Gravy and you don't need a Visa

Dear SBK,

I know you are a bit of a party girl so let me give you some advice to prevent you getting into some kind of a problem.

If you go clubbing, sooner or later some bloke will come up to you and ask: You need some eeeeeezzzzzzz, or white strips?

Run, run away with the speed of an Impala chased by a lioness, as they are bad people!

Same for peeps asking if you have any Rizzlahs, run!

She's gonna have a great time and good on her.

She certainly will, not least of all cause she gets to stay with me

The day after she arrives I am whisking her up to my friends place in Aberdeen & they are party people, so she will get a very drunken "Welcome" weekend for sure.

If you're passing through Nottingham you ought to pop into the oldest pub in England which is just round the corner from the Sheriff of Nottingham's Castle:

http://www.triptojerusalem.com/index.php?page=the_pub

You have competition to that claim:

One of my favourites, it's been around since 1242.

Guinness Book of World Records says this one dates to the 8th century. Other pubs dispute this.

This one is just a lot of fun. In fact, Edinburgh is fun, period.

There's a lot of history in British pubs. Read up and see what appeals to you....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_publi..._United_Kingdom

Hmm. Bedlam's guide to Britain is a pub tour. I wonder if I should buy a guidebook?

Hmm. Bedlam's guide to Britain is a pub tour. I wonder if I should buy a guidebook?

Life in Britain revolves around the pub. Learn to recognise one and interpret the graphic on the sign.

Pubs are always used as landmarks when giving directions, none of this "turn right into Bog Street" it's turn left at the "Red Lion".

Also pub names get 'Cockneyed', for example Red Lion becomes Purple Tiger, Black Swan becomes Mucky Duck, Hare and Hounds is Dog and Rabbit etc. These translations are vital for interpreting directions from local yokels

If you're passing through Nottingham you ought to pop into the oldest pub in England which is just round the corner from the Sheriff of Nottingham's Castle:

http://www.triptojerusalem.com/index.php?page=the_pub

hey...I been to that one...the local Crusaders useta stop there for a pint on their way south...it's inna hole at the bottom of the cliff beneath Nottingham castle...

I hafta admit; the East Midlands are midaeval...I useta live in Derby

The British really knows how to treat ladies.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1812805

If you're passing through Nottingham you ought to pop into the oldest pub in England which is just round the corner from the Sheriff of Nottingham's Castle:

http://www.triptojerusalem.com/index.php?page=the_pub

hey...I been to that one...the local Crusaders useta stop there for a pint on their way south...it's inna hole at the bottom of the cliff beneath Nottingham castle...

I hafta admit; the East Midlands are midaeval...I useta live in Derby

Oi! What's wrong with Derby? It produces a fine line in jet engines and exceedingly hansum men

Don't forget to try a Mint Magnum, I had one for lunch again today..

Totster

If you want an authentic English Saturday Night Experience you need to drink 10 pints of lager followed by a Doner Kebab and chips. Yum!

If you want an authentic English Saturday Night Experience you need to drink 10 pints of lager followed by a Doner Kebab and chips. Yum!

You forgot the falling over, cracking your ribs and scuffing you face.. or the falling off a kerb and breaking your foot... or is that just me.. ?

Totster

If you want an authentic English Saturday Night Experience you need to drink 10 pints of lager followed by a Doner Kebab and chips. Yum!

You forgot the falling over, cracking your ribs and scuffing you face.. or the falling off a kerb and breaking your foot... or is that just me.. ?

I think that may be you