To the citizens of the United States of America from

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday, in compensation you will be allowed to go ‘Tailgating’ as you call it on ’St Georges day instead.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse..

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All what you call intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. To pay for the back-tax owed the former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you’ve been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called ‘Crisps.’ Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar or lemon juice.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff that smells of perfume that you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)...

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since less than 10% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders who hold passports, so your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.You will desist from so called ‘Indy Car’ racing forthwith and join the rest of the civilised world. By agreeing to accept that a proper ‘Grand Prix’ track be laid for the only form of premium single seater racing which will be: Formula 1.

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14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure commencement of the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Will never work with the ruling class in the US. The are all too busy with theur snouts in the trough to drink tea daintily.

Written by John Cleese years ago, just the name of the president changes.

Written by John Cleese years ago, just the name of the president changes.

Written years ago, but still relevant today and no doubt the next few decades.....mind you, I bet Cleese could add a few thiings now too.

Written by John Cleese years ago, just the name of the president changes.

Written years ago, but still relevant today and no doubt the next few decades.....mind you, I bet Cleese could add a few thiings now too.

There was a reply by an American comedian, but it wasn't anywhere near as funny.

Written by John Cleese years ago, just the name of the president changes.

Thanks for the historical facts. I did think it was funny, and somewhat true. I expected some Yank to comment though.

Surely the schoolgirls can still play 'baseball' as long as they call it 'rounders'.

Similarly in winter they can play netball - which is much better than basketball.

All these 2 metre 13cm (seven foot) guys playing this silly game in the states can be retrained as Aussie Rules players - but they'd have to wear silly short shorts instead of even sillier long shorts.

And get some tattoos.

And get their bums tightened.

And ALL OF YOU - get rid of that crappy muck you call coffee !!!!

*$s does not serve coffee - go to a decent little bistro and get some proper coffee. (light latte semiskimmed soy milk with vanilla, easy on the froth - I ask you)

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

You forgot the cucumber sandwiches.

Written by John Cleese years ago, just the name of the president changes.

Thanks for the historical facts. I did think it was funny, and somewhat true. I expected some Yank to comment though.

why? I couldn't care less

SBK - you may be an American citizen, but not a 'yank' in the context of Ian's remark.

Chuckd, Koheesti, UG might bite, and therefore be 'yanks', but three-quarters (maybe more) Americans are not prone to taking offense at a little gentle teasing.

(My opinion)

Savoury meat pies, as well?!?:jap:

Savoury meat pies, as well?!?:jap:

Pork pie, game pie, England. Savoury meat pie (somewhat flatter and wider, oten with cheese on top), OZ and NZ.

Savoury meat pies, as well?!?:jap:

Pork pie, game pie, England. Savoury meat pie (somewhat flatter and wider, oten with cheese on top), OZ and NZ.

The meat pies you are talking about (kate n sidney / beef in gravy / meat n veg) are also available in UK. When I was in Stratford (the London one, not the posh one) I used to go past Excel Meat Pie factory, Bergers Paint factory and other really nasty places, all in the same road. The worst-smelling of the lot was the Excel place. And they burnt what they couldn't stuff into the pies in their yard.

Ahhh, memories of home.

Wouldn't eat one if I was starving. Not even if served in liquor. (that's not alcoholic - it's the local description of a very yummy gravy. Sort of.

http://www.pieshop.co.uk/2010/11/special-offer-for-online-pie-mash-and-liquor/

Stratford eh........That's where the "Holiday Home for Pets and Pies Co" is based.

Stratford eh........That's where the "Holiday Home for Pets and Pies Co" is based.

Do pies need holidays? I wouldn't send my pie for a holiday where it might very well get eaten by one of the other guests.

Rather odd, you Brits.

only pie worth eating is a Pukka Pie. all the rest are poor pretenders

only pie worth eating is a Pukka Pie. all the rest are poor pretenders

Pukka Pies are a modern invention from the 1960s - I was stoned at the time.

Real pies date from the 1800s - I have a few early examples in my freezer.

(The rest were exported to Ozland, where they were given away free at the first Aussie Rules footie matches, thus starting a tradition that exists to this day.

(Except you now pay for 'em. And they ain't the quality of old.)

(Same goes for the players)

only pie worth eating is a Pukka Pie. all the rest are poor pretenders

I won't eat them out of principle. Have you seen the inhumane way they farm those pukkas?

Stratford eh........That's where the "Holiday Home for Pets and Pies Co" is based.

Do pies need holidays? I wouldn't send my pie for a holiday where it might very well get eaten by one of the other guests.

Rather odd, you Brits.

Harky - the pets take their holidays inside the pies - several pets in a pie, several pies for a pet.

A mix-and-match sort of thingy.

only pie worth eating is a Pukka Pie. all the rest are poor pretenders

Pukka Pies are a modern invention from the 1960s - I was stoned at the time.

Real pies date from the 1800s - I have a few early examples in my freezer.

(The rest were exported to Ozland, where they were given away free at the first Aussie Rules footie matches, thus starting a tradition that exists to this day.

(Except you now pay for 'em. And they ain't the quality of old.)

(Same goes for the players)

Do you think there may be a connection between the quality of pie and the quality of player?

There could be an opportunity to exploit here. Pro Ozzy rules has some dollars to spend.

only pie worth eating is a Pukka Pie. all the rest are poor pretenders

Pukka Pies are a modern invention from the 1960s - I was stoned at the time.

Real pies date from the 1800s - I have a few early examples in my freezer.

(The rest were exported to Ozland, where they were given away free at the first Aussie Rules footie matches, thus starting a tradition that exists to this day.

(Except you now pay for 'em. And they ain't the quality of old.)

(Same goes for the players)

Do you think there may be a connection between the quality of pie and the quality of player?

In a word............ Wigan.

Real pies date from the 1800s - I have a few early examples in my freezer.

Wow HB, I had no idea that you were that old!

Real pies date from the 1800s - I have a few early examples in my freezer.

Wow HB, I had no idea that you were that old!

Beware sbk, if Humphrey invites you round for lunch that Sweeney Todd also made pies in the 1800's

This topic is turning into something more suitable for the Chiang Mai forum where all they talk about is eating.

Anybody like mincemeat pies?

Real pies date from the 1800s - I have a few early examples in my freezer.

Wow HB, I had no idea that you were that old!

So's my freezer - needs a new block of ice every day.

That was difficult during the war.

(Boer War, that is)

And, Uncle Ken, I'll have you know that Teeny Sod was a piss-poor barber and an even worse cook!

Can never walk down the Strand without remembering the time he nicked my ear while shaving me. Nicked my wallet, too!

This topic is turning into something more suitable for the Chiang Mai forum where all they talk about is eating.

Anybody like mincemeat pies?

Ian, the Queen don't like pies, she prefers Beef Wellington.

(with mash and liquor, of course)

This topic is turning into something more suitable for the Chiang Mai forum where all they talk about is eating.

Anybody like mincemeat pies?

Ian, the Queen don't like pies, she prefers Beef Wellington.

(with mash and liquor, of course)

Who gives a shit about some old queen. I just wondered if anyone here likes mincemeat pies. I haven't ahd them in years because I'm too lazy to make them and they really are what my family used to celibrate Christmas with. Mom made great ones. I kind of like that sweet mushy stuff with all rhe raisins or currents in the middle.

I think you're talking about fruit mince pies....certainly a Xmas tradition....not mincemeat pies

I think you're talking about fruit mince pies....certainly a Xmas tradition....not mincemeat pies

Sorry Harky, but the fruit ones are called mincemeat.

Meat can be used as a word to describe the edible part of anything.

I think you're talking about fruit mince pies....certainly a Xmas tradition....not mincemeat pies

Sorry Harky, but the fruit ones are called mincemeat.

Meat can be used as a word to describe the edible part of anything.

Thanks. I will stand corrected and have learnt something.