BRITAIN’S most revolting Santa Claus is making a MOCKERY of Christmas, charging little kiddies 50p to visit his grotto – which he’s set up in a former LADIES LOO!

For their half-quid, youngsters get to sit on vile Brandon Ferguson’s knee while he pretends to listen to their Yuletide wishes. In fact, the booze-soaked old vagabond is listening to nothing – apart from the frenzied screams of anguish coming from his own tortured soul. The damp, vandalised and soiled surroundings are more reminiscent of a Romanian orphanage than Santa’s North Pole home. And rather than a smell of fresh pine and expectation, the place reeks of long-stale urine and despair.

Astonishingly, bankrupt former pet shop owner Ferguson, 60, is doing NOTHING wrong and police are powerless to prevent him trampling on dozens of young dreams. Ferguson set up shop in the abandoned lavatory in mid-November – a time when only people who live in council houses are even thinking about Christmas. By last weekend, a steady stream of nippers were queuing down the street in Crewe, Cheshire, eager to tell Santa what they want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning.

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I think it's at least 5 bucks to have your picture taken with Santa in the states, so 50p seems a bargain. As long as he isn't fondling the kinder, I suppose it's all up to mummy and duddy, eh?

I'm not sure, but that may be the earliest invoking of a in Bedlam history. Let's leave it to the judges. Endure, can you verify?

I'm not sure, but that may be the earliest invoking of a in Bedlam history. Let's leave it to the judges. Endure, can you verify?

Not sure whether it's the earliest but it's definitely the earliest April Fools day hoax.

I'm not sure, but that may be the earliest invoking of a in Bedlam history. Let's leave it to the judges. Endure, can you verify?

All I can say is that Mooners beat me to it

I have a friend of mine that grows a beard for every Christmas.

He comes to Koh Samui and colours it white, wears a Santa cap on the head and a big bottle of Chang in one hand and stumbles around the lady bars.