Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[pauljones]

There was a raffle for a free car and one of the staff of the company sponsoring the raffle didn't win.

[xthAi76s]

Farang with his Thai GF:

"I am going to be brave and we'll be the first such a couple to not hold hands while we walk. It's dam_n hot, and nobody else holds hands, anyway."

[pauljones]

Contractor to Customer-"Agreed, for 5 staff to work all day tomorrow, I will charge you 3,000 Bt." :

...........By the way, my day starts at noon and ends at 3:30

[arthurwait]

I'll drive to the front petrol pump so someone can use the one behind me.

[pauljones]

BMA Footpath Officer to vendor:

Here, let me pay you for that fresh orange juice I just drank.

[DocN]

Thai ministry of...whoever is responsible for that right now: We will not block these internet- pages! I think, our citizens are old and responsible enough to make their own decissions on what to watch. And while are on it: we will stop blurring or pixalating cigarettes, beer bottles, guns or a womans cleavage...

[xthAi76s]

Farang to his young, slim, attractive, succulent Thai Lady Acquaintance:

"Well, yeah I want to, but since we don't have a condom, I can't right now."

[arthurwait]

Contractor to Customer-"Agreed, for 5 staff to work all day tomorrow, I will charge you 3,000 Bt." :

...........By the way, my day starts at noon and ends at 3:30

Our cleaner:

I will spend day seeing what actually needs cleaning and clean it and not spend 6 hours pretending I'm mopping the floor and pretending to clean the rooms nobody uses everytime someone comes in. I'm also not in these rooms because they have chairs that I sit on all day when no ones in the house.

[arthurwait]

Thai ministry of...whoever is responsible for that right now: We will not block these internet- pages! I think, our citizens are old and responsible enough to make their own decissions on what to watch. And while are on it: we will stop blurring or pixalating cigarettes, beer bottles, guns or a womans cleavage...

Cleavage, cleavage. I miss cleavage.

[xthAi76s]

Thai ministry of...whoever is responsible for that right now: We will not block these internet- pages! I think, our citizens are old and responsible enough to make their own decissions on what to watch. And while are on it: we will stop blurring or pixalating cigarettes, beer bottles, guns or a womans cleavage...

Cleavage, cleavage. I miss cleavage.

Well, they could stop censoring, but I'm not sure how much cleavage we'll get ... Maybe it's better censored. This way, we envision exactly what is good for us?

[xthAi76s]

Condominium Developers:

"Since Bangkok is the hottest city in the world (by daily average temperatures), and since we have a wealth of cultural knowledge about building climate-appropriate traditional Thai structures, let's build our new structures with that in mind. We can sun tint the glass, make shutters available for the windows, put small indoor/outdoor fans in every room where feasible, etc. People should be comfortable in their homes. Even the Farang who will be living in most of these..."

[pauljones]

Foreign Honeymooner Wife:

I am so thrilled our travel agent booked us a trip to Pattaya, Thailand.

[pauljones]

Foreign Honeymooner Wife:

I am so thrilled our travel agent booked us a trip to Pattaya, Thailand.

[true blue]

congratulations to blether,for getting his topic,in to the top three most active posts on tv,must be be one mixed up country that los,lol.and thats another one to add to the pot.

[canuckamuck]

Yes but they need to change the thread name to over 1000 things you will never hear in Thailand.

[maidu]

Barker at bus station: "maybe I should lighten up on shouting out the same destination every minute all day. It doesn't help bring in customers, and it probably annoys the farang sitting nearby."

Bus driver: "Maybe I won't drive 3 Km/hr for the first fifteen minutes of the route - hoping to get one added passenger."

Van driver: "my boss tells me not to start my journey until the 12 passenger van is packed with 20 passengers, but I think I'll start with the safe limit of 12 passengers and the heck with making a few extra baht. Plus, the fewer passengers might appreciate not being packed in like sardines."

Thai gov't workers: "maybe I should do something useful, instead of pretending to be busy each day."

Head of Land Dept. in Chiang Rai: "Yes, I've heard that 90% of the properties north of town don't have chanod (title). Perhaps I'll do something useful for a change and direct my sixty workers to start the process - to help those tens of thousands of people get title to the properties they've been residing at, some for decades and for generations, literally."

Thai gov't worker: "I'll never get laid off or fired. I'll just do as little as humanly possible while I'm here. Then when I retire in 35 years, there'll be a nice benefits."

Parent holding baby on motorcycle: "There's a chance the child could bash its little head against the steering column 3 cm from its face. Maybe I should strap the child on my body and give it a safety helmet - except they're hard to find for sale."

Thai parent: "a car safety seat for toddlers? Sounds like a good idea, where can I find one to buy?"

Thai plumber: "Maybe sticking my fingers in this toxic glue is not the smartest way to apply it. Is that why I get headaches so often?"

Thai construction worker: "Earplugs are for pussies. Eh, what's that you say?"

Thai construction worker: "Even though my mates think it's wimpy to put on a safety harness when working up high, I'm going to do it anyway."

[connda]

Male American Tourist on Soi Cowboy: "Dam_n I'm glad I brought my American girlfriend with me!!!"

[ShanePashen]

Even though my shitbox 125 looks absolutely ridiculous with an Akrapovic slip on exhaust, clip ons and much Anodised aluminium bling.

When the light goes green,I will show that Farrang laughing at me, just how fast my bike is when I drag him off on his rented 125.

Even though in Farangland, he has not 1 but 3 motorbikes, that would leave mine like it was standing still.

[brit1984]

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad singing a Christmas carol

[Thaddeus]

Strawberries, get your fresh strawberries here, two pound a punnet, to you maam, one eighty.

(I've been out of touch for a long long time)

[IanForbes]

Strawberries, get your fresh strawberries here, two pound a punnet, to you maam, one eighty.

(I've been out of touch for a long long time)

I ain't buying your Thai strawberries for any price. They should be called Straw-Berries for how they taste. You could add a pound of sugar to the berries and they would STILL taste like straw. That's why I don't buy strawberries from California either.

However, a strawberry grown in a family garden in the south of England, or the south west coast of Canada are a succulent treat we enjoy each summer... providing we get more than a week of summer.

[autan]

At a famous gym in Pattaya

Lifetime membership only 19,999 baht.

We check our hostesses regulary for STI's.

[maidu]

Thaksin, when he returns and takes the PM's seat: "You farang, now you can get Triple Platinum Thailand Elite Card. Only 500,000 baht, pocket change. You get free massage for life, free limousine ride to airport for life, can buy one square meter of Thai land, and get free shoe shine for life. Please pay to this numbered account in Cambodian bank."

Thai 'help' phone number for a big business or gov't agency: "Hello, how can I help you." (without the 4 to 12 prompts to; 'please press '9' for......' - resulting in an endless wait while listening to the worst fidelity Thai whimp-assed pop music this side of Neptune).

Thai web site manager for corporation or government site: "Oh, thanks for pointing out that our web site's English translation is fraught with mistakes. Would you please make suggestions on how to improve it? Thanks so much. Or else recommend a native English speaker who could edit it. We'll pay for that service."

[autan]

Arriving at your hotel in Pattaya: Hello Sir, would you like a refreshing drink while we check you in and perhaps a cool hand towel.

[autan]

Thai Girl to Farang : Heres your change.

[autan]

Thai Girl to Farang : I'm sorry Mr. I gave you a Yabba Tablet instead of Viagra.

Farang to Thai Girls : I'm alright.

Thai Girl last seen running from the room. . .

[autan]

Farang at the airport : Drugs, dont be ridiculous, now I really must go I have a plane to catch.

(30 years later).

Farang at the airport : Not again.

[DocN]

Thai ministry of...whoever is responsible for that right now: We will not block these internet- pages! I think, our citizens are old and responsible enough to make their own decissions on what to watch. And while are on it: we will stop blurring or pixalating cigarettes, beer bottles, guns or a womans cleavage...

Cleavage, cleavage. I miss cleavage.

Well, they could stop censoring, but I'm not sure how much cleavage we'll get ... Maybe it's better censored. This way, we envision exactly what is good for us?

They pixalated (practically) monkeys titts on a Discovery Channel-piece on the development of mankind...

[IanForbes]

Male American Tourist on Soi Cowboy: "Dam_n I'm glad I brought my American girlfriend with me!!!"

I've always wondered about that.

What's the saying... "coals to Newcastle" ?

[mca]

Male American Tourist on Soi Cowboy: "Dam_n I'm glad I brought my American girlfriend with me!!!"

I've always wondered about that.

What's the saying... "coals to Newcastle" ?

I was once sitting at the sushi bar in Sofitel Khon Kaen which is directly next to their cocktail lounge as the girls were arriving prior to work. How I managed to stifle my guffaws I don't know when this British woman at the next table said to her husband " Pull your bleedin' eyes back in your head for fuc_k's sake"