Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[IanForbes]

Male American Tourist on Soi Cowboy: "Dam_n I'm glad I brought my American girlfriend with me!!!"

I've always wondered about that.

What's the saying... "coals to Newcastle" ?

I was once sitting at the sushi bar in Sofitel Khon Kaen which is directly next to their cocktail lounge as the girls were arriving prior to work. How I managed to stifle my guffaws I don't know when this British woman at the next table said to her husband " Pull your bleedin' eyes back in your head for fuc_k's sake"

Given their full due, this past winter in Chaing Mai I saw a lot of very attractive young farang women from Europe walking the inner moat tourist area. A few were there with their boyfriends. But, I also noticed a bunch of fat matrons with their husbands in tow who were trying hard not to look at all the tempting lovelies.

[xthAi76s]

Thai female:

"No, I I don't think it looks ridiculous to have a brown body and painted white ghost face."

[xthAi76s]

Otherwise Beautiful Thai Girl:

"I don't have to take care of my feet because Thai Buddhism teaches us that the feet are the dirtiest, lowest part of the body."

[xthAi76s]

Young Thai Guy:

"These pants are too dam_n tight."

[xthAi76s]

"Not in my mouth."

[xthAi76s]

"Not inside."

[loong]

Thai female - "If I close and lock the bathroom door, then I won't be suprised by someone walking in while I am squatting on the toilet"

[maidu]

Customs official at airport, right after coup d'etat: "Excuse me, Mrs. Thaksin. You and your children must put your 55 large suitcases on these inspection tables for us to examine them - to see whether you might be taking anything illegal out of the country."

Pojamin, in response: "Sure. It's a bit inconvenient, but you're just doing your duty, and that's admirable. We respect people in service industries who do a fair job and treat all people equally, without giving favors to haughty VIP's like us."

Top brass involved with Kru Sae and Tak Bai incidents, where nearly 100 young Muslim men died because of ineptness and poor decisions: "If any of us are found, in a military tribunal, to have made fatal mistakes, we're willing to accept full consequences of our decisions."

Thaksin, as he escorted his daughter to a job at Bangkok McDonalds: "Of course she's only going to work here for a day or two, part time. She gets more money in one minute, from residuals on stocks I gave her, than she would make in a full day working at this silly job, but it's a great photo-op, and makes it appear as though we're 'just like regular people'."

[balo]

Isaan family living next door :

I will not leave the garbage outside my door all day in case my neighbours see it or smells it.

[loong]

Thai adolesent step-son when frying an egg

"I won't use a half litre of oil just to fry one egg, that would be wasteful"

"I only have to walk 2 steps to the rubbish bin, so I won't put the eggshell on top of the cupboard"

"The oil has reached temperature so I will turn the gas lower than full"

"I won't go outside and chat with my friends while the egg is cooking"

"Oh my Buddha - I'd better clean up this mess"

" I will apologise for burning half of the kitchen and will not just pretend that I have no idea what happened"

[loong]

Visitors - "there's a rubbish bin over there so I won't drop my rubbish out of the window"

Family - "That was a nice meal. Now let's clean up the spilt rice/noodles etc and pick up the 50 rubber bands that seem to be strewn all over the floor"

[xthAi76s]

Food vendor looking at Farang who just ordered noodles to go:

"I'm not going to twist this rubber band onto this bag of noodles so tight that only a native Thai can take it off. I mean, there just noodles."

[mca]

Male American Tourist on Soi Cowboy: "Dam_n I'm glad I brought my American girlfriend with me!!!"

I've always wondered about that.

What's the saying... "coals to Newcastle" ?

I was once sitting at the sushi bar in Sofitel Khon Kaen which is directly next to their cocktail lounge as the girls were arriving prior to work. How I managed to stifle my guffaws I don't know when this British woman at the next table said to her husband " Pull your bleedin' eyes back in your head for fuc_k's sake"

Given their full due, this past winter in Chaing Mai I saw a lot of very attractive young farang women from Europe walking the inner moat tourist area. A few were there with their boyfriends. But, I also noticed a bunch of fat matrons with their husbands in tow who were trying hard not to look at all the tempting lovelies.

I was in a hotel restaurant once and there was this German guy and his girlfriend who, shall we say, was rather blessed in the funbags depsrtment. The male waiters simply couldn't control their ogling.

[KeyserSoze01]

Russian Tourist: When some random stranger approachs me and smiles, I will smile back, because even though we don't speak a common language, it's a sign of goodwill and respect. I may even slightly nod my head as a sign of acknowledgment.

No more will I stare blankly at strangers in a lift, looking through them as if they don't exist.

Russian tourist: Why do the Americans smile all the time. Don't they know they look like idiots when they do that?

[KeyserSoze01]

Any Hardened Thai Shopper at Tesco Lotus:

"Eeww. See that? There are roaches crawling all over the open meats. That's disgusting. I'm going to raise the issue with someone of authority here or just shop somewhere else."

Shopper: If I catch the cockroach, I wonder if anyone would notice if I ate it.

[KeyserSoze01]

Just because I'm in charge of this cosmetics counter doesn't mean that I have to be making up my face all the time.

Thai woman: I have caked soooo much white powder on my face that I look like a clown.

[maidu]

Thai carpenter: "I used to jimmy the electric drill to and fro, and in circles, thinking it would drill a hole better, but now I'll do it like the farang do it, and just keep the drill bit straight and apply steady pressure."

Thai plumber: "I'm going to try putting P-traps and through-the-roof piped vents, so waste water will drain better, and there won't be sewer gas smell in the shower stall."

Thai construction worker: "My farang boss tells me to mix the cement like milkshake consistancy, rather than soup. What's a milkshake?"

Homebuilder: "Intead of using giant teak trunks for posts, I'll save a few of the magnificent trees and use smaller, more common wood. Plus, I save tens of liters urethane sealer that needs to be applied every two years. Geez, that sealer might also be toxic."

Hotel owner and avid local football fan: "For the visiting football team, I'll put 'em in the rooms which have new mattresses and pillows, all made of foam. Next day, all the boys will be woozy from breathing formaldihyde all night long."

Thai: "My school teacher tells me we're superior to the Burmese, but how can that be, if we lost two wars to them?"

Thai street vendor: "We've got all sorts of lovely tasting fruits here in Thailand. Maybe I'll get a juicer, and offer fruit drinks for sale. But farang are odd, they don't want sugar, colorings, corn syrup or any of the other additives that we're used to adding to drinks. Stranger still, are the farang who like pure juice from carrots and other raw vegetables. Even though I could make a bunch of extra money selling carrot juice, it's still too weird a concept, so I won't do it. My fellow vendors would probably ridicule me."

Thai consumer: "I resent that a small tub of yogurt is only 60% full. Liquids don't settle, so the yogurt suppier is shortchanging customers. I'm going to report this to authorities."

Thai consumer: "Not fair that when I buy a gallon tub of white glue, that, when I squeeze it out of the plastic bag within the tub, the tub is only 25% full. I'm going to report this to authorities."

Bangkok Hotel owner: "Why would you want screened windows which can open? You say you want fresh air, but do you really want to breathe Bangkok air? If you want windows that open, go to some cheapo Kao San guest house."

Police in Bangkok in May of 2010: "Ok, maybe it's a bad sign that some punks are running in to major department stores with cans of petrol, but hey, your worries are just assumptions, aren't they? Plus, those boys are angry about democracy, so I guess that's a good enough excuse for torching a shopping mall."

[pauljones]

Did you catch the Hockey match on TV last night?

[harada]

TAT-We realise that we have a problem with corruption, the airport and pollution , so we will seek advise from profesionals and seriously try to rectify the situation as soon as possible, thus preventing discouraged tourists from choosing other destinations next time.

[xthAi76s]

Thai young adult guy walking in sun:

"I wonder if I still look tough and manly while holding a cartoon magazine over my face to block the sunlight while I'm walking?"

[xthAi76s]

"Hey, for all these U-turn places, let's put in some of those light things that tell people when they can walk, go, turn etc."

[xthAi76s]

Thai driver at a light:

"No, 180 seconds is not really a long time to wait to drive 1 km to the next light."

[xthAi76s]

Thai wannabe HiSo or real one:

"My 15 year-old Mercedes looks utterly classless and silly after I have dropped the body and put 26 inch cheap rims on it."

[beerchang]

I've been offline a few days but good to see this thread going strong.

Thai parent to child... "Put your hand over your mouth and nose when you sneeze like I do"

[beerchang]

65 year old farang sex tourist to bar girl... "You look quite young. How old are you?"

[autan]

Thai Hospital : We will not offer you Physiotherapy for a cut on your leg.

[autan]

There are no mosquitos at our hotel sir, the rooms are cleaned weekly, at peak times.

[autan]

Dont worry about the toll road fees Sir, its all included in the price.

[autan]

You can put it anywhere Mr. But if you put it where it really fits nice and tight, then you'll have to park your car on the 8th floor and take the stairs.

[autan]

Farang : I am so sick of being treated like a cash cow around here.

Bar Girl : I hate fat and hairy farangs but at least you have the cash. Your place is it.

Farang : She is just after one thing.

Bar Girl : He is just after one thing.

(Two weeks later they are married, she is pregnant and he is at the office of Thai Visa).