Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[daiwill60]

Yes, i know we don't understand how to negotiate roundabouts, your right, it doesn't make sense to block the flow of traffic coming behind me onto a roundabout by stopping on it to let more traffic onto it, the farang way is better way to do it , I agree.

[moonbarman]

Thai parent to child, No you can't take the motorbike unless you wear a helmet.

Thai pickup driver on dual track road, I think i will move to the inside lane as i am doing only 50kmh and don't intend to turn right for another 4kms.

[KIWIBATCH]

Thai electricity worker up pole:

.....now...which wire is it I wonder....

[KIWIBATCH]

Thai garbage truck with 6 workers sitting on top having arrived at depot:

....well Somchai was here with us 5 minutes ago before we under that overbridge.......

[SAW]

Thai neighbour:

I feel absolutely awful what must our guest farang neigbour think of us, after all, he's out there cleaning his car tyre every other day because our dog pisses all over it and then shits outside his gate then barks all night just to really drive him up the wall.

[smokie36]

Thai: No I can't take my bike. Its getting dark and the lights are broken.

[wana]

thai chef to waitress : what do you mean some people dont like it very spicy ??

[connda]

I don't know what part of thailand you live in but Thais actually read quite a lot, bookshops are actually doing very good with Thai language books. so of course they may not read nietzche or kilkegaarde because its not in they scholar cursus at the contrary of european countries ( or truman Capote and John Fante for the american cursus) ... but they do have good authors like Piram Suda for instance who was nominated for the nobel prize of literature few years back...

Pile of rubbish all round, very very few Thais read extensively, I'd say less than 1% read by choice more than ten hours per year. Many farang don't read much either, especially in recent generations, but I don't know anyone back home who doesn't read at least a few books per year - that's real books, hundreds of pages of just words, not comic books or glossy magazines.

Over the years I've accumulated about half a shipping container's worth of books, and hope to one day open a second-hand book/coffeeshop. Most Thais when encountering my collection will ask something along the lines of "I can help you get rid of those", and I found out they mean sell them to the scrap recycler for pulping by the kg!

Regarding Pira, the Nobel Committee does not publicize the identities of any nominees for a period of fifty years after voting. There is no way to know who was nominated for a given Nobel Prize, and just because someone in a position of sufficient prestige in Thailand nominated him doesn't mean he's all that great.

OK for entertainment and learning about what the culture of Isaan used to be like, but not world-class from a literary POV.

I don't wish this to be deemed critical but in nearly eight years i don't remember ever seeing a thai read a book.

Just an observation so please don't bother to flame!

Just go to a bookstore. There are loads of Thais in the comics and sappy romance sections. Older folk in the Thai equivalent to the X-file section and horoscopes, Tarot, palm reading, and other sort of divination to assess one's luck. A few brainy types in the Computer section. Everyone else in the magazine section.

[connda]

Thai Parent: "Nong! Get off the computer and do your chores!"

Thai Teenager: "Mae! I'm finished with my homework. Are there any chores that need to be done?"

[farangme]

Thai: I know I shouldn't be driving on the shoulder in the opposite direction of oncoming traffic, but I'll take full responsibility if I cause an accident.

Uni student: I didn't learn anything in uni, but the graduation photo that I show everyone is what mattered.

Farang: my wife is dumb as dirt, but she can suck the Chrome of a trailer hitch.

Posted with Thaivisa App http://apps.thaivisa.com

[kiniyow]

I have to get up at 5 AM to do my laundry~~

[kiniyow]

My 20,000 Baht cell Phone is Not for show..I know how to operate all these Gadgets...

[kiniyow]

Electric Company..We only do professional work..Best standards and everything is properly Grounded..

[kiniyow]

Thai Girl..Don't want gold..Pang -- so copy gold will be fine....

[macksview]

patong bargirl to farang "yes i would like to go to phi phi island for the 14th time this high season"

[David48]

#320 Hotel Manager ........ We will lower prices to stimulate demand during low season.

[David48]

#321 Thai Driver ....... I will not take the racing line on this corner

#322 Thai Driver ....... Oh, I've always wondered what those white lines were painted on the car park ... you mean that you are supposed to park parallel to and equidistant between them. Khun Farang, thank you for this helpful parking advice.

#323 Thai Driver ....... You mean you are supposed to stay within the white lane markers when driving and they are not just a guideline. Thank you Khun Farang, thank you for this helpful driving advice.

[theblether]

Are we up to number 324 already? This thread is heading towards being a complete guide to Thailand.

324.....we not like dog go China for dinner, 200 baht per dog? Ok, how many you want?

[smokie36]

Are we up to number 324 already? This thread is heading towards being a complete guide to Thailand.

324.....we not like dog go China for dinner, 200 baht per dog? Ok, how many you want?

You come Korea have holiday. Maybe we do deal. Ok?

[pauljones]

Bargirl to customer:

I want to relax and watch cable tv in your nice air-con hotel room whilst feigning a headache so I don’t have to work for my money.

[pauljones]

Ladyboy:

Before you pay the barfine, I'd like to inform you I have a penis.

[billythehat]

Thai – ‘Toilet paper? What do you need that for?’

Thai Pharmacist - ‘....hmmmmm.....you hab chest pain, your speech is slurred and you hab paralysed down the right side?...okay, just take these antibiotics and charcoal tablets.’

Normal Thai lass – ‘I’d really love to go out with you for dinner but have to refuse because other Thais will think I’m a hooker if they see me with a farang.’

Bar lass – ‘Me hab come from Udon Thani!’ (I come from a small village only recently discovered by civilisation and possibly within a 100 mile radius of Udon Thani.)

Sister of bar lass her – ‘Money No.2’

Issan village Senior Monk after raking in yet another crate of goodies from a fellow villager who wanted some ‘advice’ on his poor rice crop – ‘By Buddha, I really earn my wages..next..’

Thai – ‘Me happy if people call Thailand a 3^rd world country as it takes the pressure off a bit to really hab to perform on the world stage.’

[necronx99]

Farang Tourist: I'm not a very good rider, in fact I've never ridden a motrbike at all. Perhaps it's best I don't try and learn whilst drunk and not wearing a helmet or a jacket while speeding in the dark.

[theblether]

Are we up to number 324 already? This thread is heading towards being a complete guide to Thailand.

324.....we not like dog go China for dinner, 200 baht per dog? Ok, how many you want?

You come Korea have holiday. Maybe we do deal. Ok?

Ok we do deal, 250 baht? We have no soi dog left in Chiang Mai, already China make into Hotdog.

[necronx99]

Ok, well done Blether. 300 odd entries of Things you will never hear in Thailand!.

Here is the consolidated list with minimal formatting, some catagorisation and some dupes removed.

I will add a final one of: TV Forum posters naturally adopting a consistant way of formatting their bleeding posts %^#%#^!

Bars, Girls/Boys

1. Girlfriend - I'm only with you for the money
   
2. Ladyboy - Does my ass look big in this?
   
3. Bargirl - You no handsum man
   
4. Bargirl - you so hansum you have me for free.
   
5. Bargirl - Ohhhh! you have small.
   
6. Bargirl - Send me money,I keep work in Bar
   
7. Bargirl - Husband me he good Thai man
   
8. Bargirl - You ugly. Go home
   
9. Gf/Wife/Mistress - I only buy cheap shoes, 300 Baht, here is your change
   
10. Bargirl - Yes, I work bar 3 years already and have 10 Farang boyfriends that send me money every month
    
11. Bargirl - Don't be stupid, I only know you 5 days already, why would I love you so soon?
    
12. Bargirl - No I won't miss you when you are back in FarangLand, I'll probably have another boyfriend before your plane lands
    
13. The Punter - She clearly wants me for my body.
    
14. Bargirl/boy - i will pay for the meal and drinks tonight,tee rak
    
15. Massage shop in Pattaya/Phuket/CM/BKK - Sorry sir we don't offer happy endings here only traditional thai massage.
    
16. Young girl with old man - I invited two of my friends to eat at the resto with us but they will pay their own way.
    
17. Bargirl - Let ME buy YOU a drink.
    
18. Bargirl - i wont really love you long time ,il get you off ASAP and then im outta there because theres no money in lying around wasting time with you
    
19. Bargirl to farang customer - God you are ugly
    
20. Bargirl to customer in hotel room - Hold it a minute I will just turn off my mobile phone while we have our hour of fun.
    
21. Girl aged 20 - ive always been attracted to wrinkly old farang men older than my granddad ,theyre just so dam_n sexy ! i cant keep my hands off them
    
22. Thai GF - My husband says its okay to pay me the 15000b a month you offered for me to live with you
    
23. Soi Arai Bargirl - seeing as you are a regular customer and have been coming here for years...your first beer is free
    
24. Bargirl - .I dont care how many times you go you booked me for 2 hours so upto you.
    
25. Bargirl - I like to hug falangs. No I have no interest in your wallet.
    
26. Bargirl - Not tonight, I have got a headache.,
    
27. Bargirl to farang yes i would like to go to phi phi island for the 14th time this high season .
    
28. Bargirl to customer - I want to relax and watch cable tv in your nice air-con hotel room whilst feigning a headache so I don’t have to work for my money.
    
29. Ladyboy - Before you pay the barfine, I'd like to inform you I have a penis.
    
30. Bar lass – ‘Me hab come from Udon Thani!’ (I come from a small village only recently discovered by civilisation and possibly within a 100 mile radius of Udon Thani.)
    
31. Sister of bar lass her – ‘Money No.2’
    

Driving/Transport

1. BiB - I can't take your money, you will have to pay this ticket at the station.
   
2. Oncoming driver - Go ahead and walk in front of me, I brake for pedestrians
   
3. BiB - I only stopped you because I wanted to congratulate you on your choice of motor vehicle, move along.
   
4. Motorcy rider - I won't park in that tiny gap because the other guy will burn his leg on my red hot exhaust when he comes back.
   
5. Thai driver - No, my bad. when I flashed my lights I mean't please go in front of me
   
6. Taxi Driver - Sure I have change for 1,000 Baht
   
7. Tuk Tuk Driver - You only want down the road, sure, 30 Baht, hop in
   
8. Thai taxi driver - Oh I see... you dont know each other but you are both going to the same location...well hop in.
   
9. Ticket clicker on bus - Yes I jam the upright pole in my buttocks for balance
   
10. Bus Driver to ticket clicker - Look Nonchai we already have 112 people on board I simply cant stop for any more pickups
    
11. Thai bus company owner - Yes all of our drivers are only permitted to drive a 6 hour stretch shift...then we replace them with a fresh driver.
    
12. Thai minibus driver - Yes all the seats are securely bolted down....seatbelts are fitted to all seats...and I have a speed governor on the motor restricting me to a 100kph limit.
    
13. Road engineer - 'When we installed the road grates the bars SHOULD HAVE been oriented 90 degrees to the direction of the motorcycle traffic, not aligned towards oncoming motorcycle traffic.
    
14. Road Engineer - Lets not put huge steel sheets on main roads outside construction sites to protect the road from heavy tracked vehicles , a motorcycle could have a terrible accident if he has to ride over that.
    
15. Thai parking attendant - I am going to stop blowing my whistle as from tomorrow morning
    
16. Thai parking attendent - My apologies, sir. Of course, now you mention it, me standing in the space you are trying to reverse into while blowing a whistle and flashing a light in your eyes probably doesn't help. Can't believe I didn't think of that earlier. Silly of me really.
    
17. Thai taxi driver - I know exactly where you are going I will have you there in just a few minutes.
    
18. Thai giving directions - no, the road signs clearly mark where to go. It isn't expected you know every town along the way in order to find the place.
    
19. Any Thai - Of course I know which direction north is.
    
20. Policeman - Yes, we have removed those 10 km of U turn barriers we set up because we realized that they simply made the traffic worse
    
21. Ford/Mazda dealer - Your 3.2l Ford/Mazda 4x4 you ordered last month is here waiting for you
    
22. Chiang Mai Tuk Tuk Driver - I'm sorry sir, but it illegal for me to take you on a tour. But I can take you to the TAT licensed tour operator down the street -- for fee!
    
23. Tuk Tuk Driver - Why certainly I have change for 100 baht.
    
24. Car salesman - Off course you can test drive this 3 million thb, car before you commit to buying it.
    
25. Driver - I was weaving in and out of traffic way over the speed limit while texting my GF and rear-ended the farang who was safely stopped ahead.
    
26. Thai driver - Yes, i know we don't understand how to negotiate roundabouts, your right, it doesn't make sense to block the flow of traffic coming behind me onto a roundabout by stopping on it to let more traffic onto it, the farang way is better way to do it , I agree.
    
27. Thai parent to child - No you can't take the motorbike unless you wear a helmet.
    
28. Thai pickup driver on dual track road - I think i will move to the inside lane as i am doing only 50kmh and don't intend to turn right for another 4kms.
    
29. Thai - No I can't take my bike. Its getting dark and the lights are broken.
    
30. Thai - I know I shouldn't be driving on the shoulder in the opposite direction of oncoming traffic, but I'll take full responsibility if I cause an accident.
    
31. Thai Driver - I will not take the racing line on this corner
    
32. Thai Driver - Oh, I've always wondered what those white lines were painted on the car park ... you mean that you are supposed to park parallel to and equidistant between them. Khun Farang, thank you for this helpful parking advice.
    
33. Thai Driver - You mean you are supposed to stay within the white lane markers when driving and they are not just a guideline. Thank you Khun Farang, thank you for this helpful driving advice.
    
34. Farang Tourist - I'm not a very good rider, in fact I've never ridden a motorbike at all. Perhaps it's best I don't try and learn whilst drunk and not wearing a helmet or a jacket while speeding in the dark and carrying a pillion.
    

Living/Dying/Getting by in LOS

1. Thailand - Silence..............Silence is a criminal offence in Thailand.
   
2. Apartment Manager - Yes, we charge same price for electricity that we buy it for
   
3. Jetski Operator - No money needed Sir, the jetski was damaged like this before you took it out.
   
4. Neighbor having a party - it's late, lets turn the music down so we don't bother the neighbor.
   
5. Thai Government to Farang - How much land would you like to buy today ?
   
6. Market Lady - My little portable food stall with red hot charcoal embers seems to be right in everybody's way here. It's an accident waiting to happen. I think I'll move it a bit further down the road.
   
7. Thai police - Falang did not fall from a balcony, he was pushed and is murder.
   
8. National park attendant - 200 Baht? Nah, its 20 Baht same as the rest of the punters
   
9. Market - those trailing bare electrical cables twisted together all over the floor are fine.
   
10. Anyone - I will just put a sign up warning people to be careful of this big hole in the sidewalk.
    
11. Any Thai - This Somtam is too spicy!!
    
12. Thai security guard at temple entrance - hey everybody its free entry today.
    
13. Banga Crocodile farm gate attendant - Yep farangs pay the same price as thais
    
14. Thai minibus driver - i drive way too fast for road conditions. If it makes you uncomfortable, i will slow down.
    
15. Thanks for staying at one of our apartments - Here's your deposit back in full.
    
16. roadside food vendor - i have just taken a piss/shit etc behind this tree but there is no facilites to wash my hands in this area so you will just have to hope your immune system is strong enough to resist food posioning from the bacteria from my.
    
17. Builder - Yes, of course I have a spirit level and i use it. 90 degree angle at the corners of the room? Don't be silly, why would I do otherwise?
    
18. Thai doctor - .....Yes we have to charge you farangs more for consultations because you ask so many questions
    
19. Thai worker - Sorry I not turn up for over a week but I was drunk on the money you gave me as a deposit
    
20. Thai doctor - yes Thailand has many diseases, but you cannot get infection from toilet seat, only unprotected sex with another infected person.
    
21. Manager - Youve lived here a long time ,we feel its only fair to reduce your rent because usually tenants in a dump like this move out after a few weeks
    
22. Apartment Manager - Yes, we charge same price for electricity that we buy it for
    
23. Apartment Manager -. Here's your deposit back with interest, considering you left the place in better condition than when you moved in.
    
24. Thai electricity worker up pole - now...which wire is it I wonder....
    
25. Thai neighbour - I feel absolutely awful what must our guest farang neigbour think of us, after all, he's out there cleaning his car tyre every other day because our dog pisses all over it and then shits outside his gate then barks all night just to really drive him up the wall.
    
26. Electric Company - We only do professional work..Best standards and everything is properly Grounded..
    

Visas/Govt

1. Embassy - So your girlfriend promises to return to Thailand after the Visa expires, good enough for me ... APPROVED
   
2. Thai Govt - Let's allow westerners the opportunity to fully own their businesses so they can manage them properly with less risk, it would improve foreign investment.
   
3. immigration office - no need to file for an extension of stay in future Sir. we have just been informed by the Ministry of Interior that all Farangs... i mean all honourable foreign guests and their wives have been granted permanent residence. and here's the application form for Thai citizenship. just sign at the dotted line and hand me a recent passport size photograph. unfortunately it will take three weekdays for processing. as weekend starts tomorrow you might not be able to pick up your Thai passport before wednesday noon. fees? No Sir, no fees! it's free of charge.
   
4. Thai immigration - no need for any more 90 day address reporting we have done away with it.
   
5. Thai immigration - no need to travel out of the country to renew your visas...we will do them here in Bangkok...and save you money.
   
6. Minister of tourism - actually thailand is a filthy place,full of prostitutes,corruption and greedy scam artists preying on tourists ,and if you think they are bad ,wait until you meet our police force
   
7. Thai Parliament - It's good to see all members attending as we embark on creating a 2 year, 5 year, and 10 year economic plan for the future of our country.
   
8. The Government - the TRUTH (or anything remotely close to this)
   
9. Chalerm Ubumrung - the latest disaster to beset Thailand will deeply negatively affect foreign Tourism numbers
   
10. The relevant Government Minister - secretly, just between you and me, we aren’t the HUB of anything. The closet we come to being a HUB is the spin we put on the latest idea.
    
11. Thai education Minister - There will be no more of this paying money under the table to obtain degrees
    
12. Thai Prime Minister - Bangkok will flood again this year.
    
13. Bangkok Governor - I meant to say all the klongs and waterways will be dredged and cleaned by May of next year
    
14. MICT - All 100,000 blocked websites are now unblocked. Sorry for trampling all over your freedom of expression
    
15. Airport Immigration Official - ALL the booths are manned 24/7
    
16. Airport Immigration Official - No waiting at Booth #4, 9, 10 and yes, 12 is awaiting you also. Please proceed and enjoy your stay in Thailand.
    

Daily Thais

1. A Thai - Interesting - that may just work in Thailand too
   
2. Any Thai - please
   
3. Any Thai woman - Im full and cant eat any more
   
4. Any Thai I'm sorry - Completely my fault
   
5. Any Thai - Excuse me please go ahead, you were here before me
   
6. Thai - We should watch how other countries do things so we can become more efficient.
   
7. Lakorns are crap.
   
8. Most Thais to a foreigner - Your Thai language is crap, I've no idea what you're talking about..
   
9. Anyone - Here's the 10,000 Baht that I borrowed, repaid on time, in full and I added an extra 1000 as interest
   
10. Any Thai person - How do you do it in your country ?
    
11. Any Thai - It's a nice day. I think I'll walk it for a change.
    
12. Any Thai - It's NOT up to you. After I say up to you I will actually do it the way you want.
    
13. Any Thai - That snake's harmless.
    
14. Any Thai - I'll be there on time and they are.
    
15. Any Thai - Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as ghosts!
    
16. Thai Child in super market - Excuse me, sir! I noticed you were speaking English but have black skin. May I ask, where do you come from?
    
17. Thai wedding guests - look we have had enough Wiskey - save the rest for another time
    
18. Any Thai - Yes that is my dog sh_t and ill pick it up. Sorry.
    
19. Thai dog owners - Actually its not my dog, and yes it will chew your <deleted> off
    
20. Thais - This footpath is for pedestrians only. No market stalls or motorcycle allowed
    
21. I'm sorry, but I really don't know which way you need to go to get to that place.
    
22. Thai person - I wanna hear all about your country and culture, customs and traditions, and how things are organized, politics.............
    
23. Thai person - I don't like football.
    
24. Thai person - No whiskey for me please.
    
25. Thai man - I only have eyes for my wife/gf.
    
26. Thai woman - I do not look for honest, sincere, real love/soul mate, just for unadulterated fun ( )
    
27. Yeah - we want you to join us because we like you, not because we are broke and we need somebody to pay since we still wanna get drunk.
    
28. Anyone - Look,it's snowing outside.
    
29. Thai person - I'm not lazy.
    
30. Me - What did you do this weekend? Thai - I had a very active weekend, did many things, did not sleep at all!
    
31. Thai person - Good morning.
    
32. Thai person - I don't like som tam.
    
33. I'm wrong and I do apologise for my lack of understanding.
    
34. Excuse me sir ,when you were running for the bus i notice your wallet fell from back pocket ,here it is !
    
35. The Grand Palace is open.
    
36. Yes neighbour, I understand why you are upset with me for beating my little dog senseless with a big stick
    
37. Yes boss, I understand that my monthly salary and excellent benefits package is in exchange for working and not just for showing up at the office everyday to update my facebook page or follow my friends on twitter.
    
38. (insert name) is my favourite author.
    
39. If you have a map of Thailand, I will show you where my home town is
    
40. Any Thai - I agree that different prices for foreigners is wrong
    
41. You mean you farangs don't all come from the same country and you aren't all rich?
    
42. Thai Monk upon returning to the temple - ...all I got today was rice... rice...bloody rice.....
    
43. Thai monk on receiving an offering - ....cant you think of giving something else besides rice.
    
44. Soi dog to Soi dog - ...you better get the mange and those open sores seen too..you dont look very well.
    
45. Thai Immigration Minister - Memo to all Immi staff...Effective immediately please remove the word alien from any of our official publications and forms...an alien is from Outer Space.
    
46. Anyone - why you not have a little garbage bin/bag in your truck?
    
47. We live in a society where everyone should be treated as equal.
    
48. I like dark skin.
    
49. Thai parent - of course I spoil my children. It may cause them to be lazy and irresponsible, but with luck they will find a rich farang.
    
50. Any Thai - I love speaking English and I enjoy learning more about Western culture!
    
51. Animal trainer - No, our tigers (crocodiles, monkeys, snakes) are well-fed and they never bite.
    
52. Caddy - That is a two-stroke penalty, the rules of golf do not allow a free drop ever, there is no such thing.
    
53. Thai to Farang - You're late!,
    
54. Thai Parent - Nong! Get off the computer and do your chores!
    
55. Thai Teenager - Mae! I'm finished with my homework. Are there any chores that need to be done?
    
56. Uni student - I didn't learn anything in uni, but the graduation photo that I show everyone is what mattered.
    
57. I have to get up at 5 AM to do my laundry~~
    
58. Hotel Manager - We will lower prices to stimulate demand during low season.
    
59. Thai – ‘Toilet paper? Yes we have plenty and always make sure it's available?’
    
60. Thai Pharmacist - ‘....hmmmmm.....you hab chest pain, your speech is slurred and you hab paralysed down the right side?...okay, just take these antibiotics and charcoal tablets.’
    
61. Normal Thai lass – ‘I’d really love to go out with you for dinner but have to refuse because other Thais will think I’m a hooker if they see me with a farang.’
    
62. Issan village Senior Monk after raking in yet another crate of goodies from a fellow villager who wanted some ‘advice’ on his poor rice crop – ‘By Buddha, I really earn my wages..next..’
    
63. Thai – ‘Me happy if people call Thailand a 3rd world country as it takes the pressure off a bit to really hab to perform on the world stage.’
    
64. Thai Girl - Don't want gold..Pang -- so copy gold will be fine.
    
65. Sorry, I know I shouldn't make a dead stop in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, but I just love that dress hanging over there.
    

Daily Farangs

1. Brit Pensioner Keep the pension rise, put it to the national debt.
   
2. Scandinavians Laughter ( sorry George )
   
3. Farang TV Member Oh, and I didn't have one alcoholic drink yesterday.
   
4. Anyone - Here's the 10,000 Baht that I borrowed, repaid on time, in full and I added an extra 1000 as interest
   
5. TV member - My wife? Flat-nosed, dark-skinned little Issan girl fresh outta Nana. Why do you ask?
   
6. Farang man - Hotel manager? My arse! I met her in a gogo bar and we were married within 2 months
   
7. Bitter, moaning farang - I can't wait to get home, and I'm certainly not going to obsessively moan about Thailand on the internet after I do!
   
8. TV members,I love ladyboys and visit them often.
   
9. Eight beers is enough for me!
   
10. I never go bareback with prostitutes
    
11. Does this ratty, undersized Chang t-shirt make my beer gut look too big?
    
12. She's only with me for me money
    
13. Enough whiskey, I have to get up in the morning
    
14. Bar girls don't really like my personality or my looks
    
15. I passed out because I drank 20 beers, I'm not going to blame it on being slipped something
    
16. Most of the problems I keep having are my fault because I'm too lazy to learn a word of Thai
    
17. I met her in a gogo bar, not in my office
    
18. I'm angry at Thailand because I'm broke and my bar girl left me
    
19. i was not in the special forces, i was a clerk, driver, storeman etc
    
20. my girl is not different to others
    
21. my wifes tattoos were from her time in the merchant navy
    
22. I'm only here for the high quality schools
    
23. I have absolutely no right to reside in this country, and the Thai authorities are quite right to clamp down on visa abuse.
    
24. my GF is not different, but she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
    
25. Yes, the tap water is fine. I drink it all the time.
    
26. Pattaya is such a lovely place with a great beach. I swim there daily.
    
27. I have never had someone try to take advantage of me in Thailand.
    
28. The tuktuk drivers in Patong are the nicest Thais I have ever met
    
29. I was glad that my barfine from last night was packing a little something extra
    
30. I really don't mind all the vomitting, dyarhea and dehydration when I eat dodgy food.
    
31. Well actually I don't really have anything against Yingluk, Thaksin or the Red Shirts and aren't interestered in Thai politics at all.
    
32. The reason I post vitriol from my soapbox seemingly 24/7 rather than taking a chill pill and mellowing out is because I've actually made such a collosal clusterf$ck of my own life with the decisions I've made since coming to LOS ( the failed business, the poor choice of female partner ) that rather than being a man and admitting to my own stupidity I've got to direct my anger at somebody else.
    
33. Farang tourist - Thailand businesses just have exceptional, world-class customer service. They're all just so cheerful and helpful.
    
34. Farang tourist - I didn't have any wait at Suvarnabhumi immigration when I arrived. The smiling immigration officer whisked me through in less than 30 seconds and wished me a pleasant stay in the Land of Smiles!
    
35. TV-Member - I live in Thailand because i love the country and its people, and i would never say anything negative about that subject.
    
36. Farang, Wow, i've only been here 2 days and I can't believe how well these people drive!
    
37. TV member - I started a humerous thread on Thaivisa that started with some great one-liners and continued in the same vein with nobody nit-picking or trying to start an argument
    
38. Farang to Thai - You're early!
    
39. Farang - my wife is dumb as dirt, but she can suck the Chrome of a trailer hitch.
    

Shopping/Service

1. Salesgirl - I know exactly what you are after, it is on the bottom shelf in aisle 3
   
2. Salesgirl - We don't have it but I can order it and it will be here in 2 days.
   
3. Store employee - May I help you
   
4. Shop owner - No sir its the same price for you as it is for Thais
   
5. Indian Tailor - Why would you need a suit Sir? TiT
   
6. Shopkeeper - of course you can get a refund
   
7. Shopkeeper - customer service is a priority
   
8. Waitress - oho ,i sorry i thought when your ordered the american breakfast you WANTED lukewarm coffee served 10 minutes before anything else 2 fried eggs served on a cold plate on their own when the eggs have been delievred then she goes to put bread in the toaster 2 slices of cold toast with a block of butter thats frozen so solid you can bend the knife trying to spread it
   
9. Is there a 7-Eleven near here?
   
10. Customer - i do want my coffee 10 minutes before everything else
    
11. Thai Sales Staff in the Mall - Hi there, I'll be over here just give me a shout if you need any help
    
12. Restaurant - You want your meals served at the same time ?
    
13. Waitress - I won't put any ice in your beer, it makes it flat and watery.
    
14. Yes sir, the item we advertise we have in stock.
    
15. HomePro employee - let me show you where that is.
    
16. Yes, we have added sugar to that
    
17. Homepro Employee ; Waterheater no have promotion.
    
18. thais sales assistant - yes i see sir, the item you bought is faulty, sorry about that. one moment please, let me fetch you a replacement.
    
19. Tesco Lotus checkout operator. I was told not to smile today
    
20. Thai shop assistant. I dont need a calculator to work your purchase out sir you gave me 100b less 89b for the new watch strap...now lets see...thats 5b change...thankyou and bye bye
    
21. Thai lottery ticket seller on bike. .....look this lottery closes in 5 hours I only buy these for 80b each...so I will drop the price down to 90b
    
22. You want to check bin, yes. Okay sir, the side dish you ordered an hour ago is definitely not ready yet and we can cancel it.
    
23. Yes, sir - I understand that we didn't bring you what you ordered, we will rectify that
    
24. Chatuchak market vendor - ..Yes these are the genuine articles
    
25. Thai McDonalds - ...yes thats right...the more you pay the smaller the burger.
    
26. Pantip Plaza tech - ...hell no...we wouldnt even consider downloading everything on your computer whilst it is with us for the sticky A key problem.
    
27. Street food vendor - ....all of our utensils are thoroughly cleaned in hot water in accordance with the Thai Health Dept regulations.
    
28. Coffee and tea street vendor - ......I must stop sticking my dirty fingers inside the lip of the plastic cups.
    
29. Thai Seafood Importer - ....heavens no..!!!....we are definitely not importing seafood from those areas in Japan hit with the recent nuclear radiation fallout.
    
30. Central Plaza donut seller - Yes I am sorry and apologise - true - I was just squeezing blackheads from my nose when you asked me to get you the 2 chocolate sprinkle coated promotion specials.
    
31. At the coffee vendor Thai - This coffee is too sweet Farang - This coffee is not sweet enough
    
32. In King duty free at the airport - Wow~! what a bargain
    
33. Business owner - Hello - yes I am calling you back ,sorry it took an hour or so but had to get the correct information for you ;...seems the product is useless ....please come and collect your refund
    
34. Retail clerk - I know absolutely nothing about the product I am here to sell
    
35. farang to wife gee that was fast and efficient service at land office today
    
36. Shop keeper - yes I speak English and would be glad to help you
    
37. Store clerk - yes. Have.
    
38. Shop keeper - labor is very cheap in Thailand, this cost almost nothing to make, and yes, I'm grossly overcharging you.
    
39. 7/11 employee - Would you like a hot dog bun, some pickle relish, and some mustard to go with your Big Bite hot dog?
    
40. Merchant........No, that's okay, no extra charge for using a credit card.
    
41. Restaurant.......We have no idea where our fish comes from. We buy from Somchai. Maybe he gets it from the Klong with the oil slick on top
    
42. Tailor.......That color looks terrible on you.
    
43. Hotel......Since you aren't Thai and we are charging you extra, we'd love to upgrade you to a nicer room.
    
44. Dealer.......Sure you can make an offer on the Toyota, we love to wheel and deal.
    
45. 312. Clerk......Which product do I recommend? Well the quality of this one is far better, look at the fabrication of the seams and the tensile strength is rated much higher than the other one so even though it is a few baht more, the superior quality makes it the best value.
    
46. oh that ok mr Foreigner, I saw you had been standing there waiting for a till to come vacant before i got here , so why don't you go before me?
    
47. 7-11 staff - Looking at you before someone else has pushed in , gesturing, yes sir can i help you, i think you 're next.
    
48. thai chef to waitress - what do you mean some people dont like it very spicy ??
    
49. Waitress - Heres your free water
    
50. We not like dog go China for dinner, 200 baht per dog? Ok, how many you want?
    

My New Family

1. Wife .If we can't buy the house in your name then I do not want it
   
2. Wife - You smell fine darling, you dont need to shower
   
3. Wife - Lets go to the beach so I can get a tan
   
4. The Father What? You want to pay Sin Sod for her? Your joking!!
   
5. Mother I don't like gold.
   
6. Buffalo I'm telling you, I'm never sick!!
   
7. Wife You come live me,I build you Big House
   
8. Wife - I dont care what all my gf's have, I am happy with what I have now
   
9. Father in law - Dinner is on me
   
10. Wife - Today you sleep all day, Teerak. I do everything.
    
11. Thai family members - Yes, I'll put fuel back in after I have used it.
    
12. Thai family members - I only want to borrow it for a short time
    
13. Girlfriend - Him? oh no, him not my brother, him my husband
    
14. Girlfriend/Wife - NO, I not want to start a business, I have no business acumen whaysoever and would surely lose all the money that you invest
    
15. Wife/GF/BF - You gave me more than I needed, here is your change.
    
16. Wife/GF/BF - I've topped up the fuel tank
    
17. Wife/GF/BF - Just book the flight anytime my teerak - I don't need to check with the village elders about lucky days to travel.
    
18. Thai wife/GF - Here's the 10,000 bhat you lent me for my dad's new roof. And he wanted you to have this (bottle of Jonny Walker Red) as a thank you gift, but he was too shy to give it to you himself
    
19. Thai relatives - Thankyou. That's very generous of you.
    
20. Wife - I really don't need another dress/pair of shoes//handbag....at the moment. Why don't we save the money in the rainy day account?
    
21. Thai GF to Farang BF. My fathers really sick needs a heart transplant, but dont worry my family has the money to pay for it.
    
22. Thai Wife - Somtum god it stinks and tastes like crap, I would much rather have a steak or a roast
    
23. Wife/GF - keep this money for me dear, if I keep I will just spend it on a new bag or shoes or give it away
    
24. Thai Missus - I've picked up all my shoes and put them in the rack, they looked so untidy strewn all around the front door
    
25. Thai wife - ...but its your house. You paid for it.
    
26. Thai wife - Yes darling...you pop down the karaoke bar for a good sing song....
    
27. Thai wife - I don't care what other people have.
    
28. Thai wife - my mom doesn't know what she is talking about.
    
29. Wife........If you can't buy property, we can just live in an apartment.
    
30. Wife........Since you can't buy property here, you could loan me the money to buy the property and appear on the title as the lender so if my family ever gets funny and the payments are not fulfilled on schedule you could foreclose and liquidate the property to recover your investment.
    

[canuckamuck]

Shoud make a pretty decent cartoon book, if someone could find an illustrator.

I get royalties if it happens ok.

[Naam]

this is an extremely entertaining thread. big thanks to necronx99 for consolidating!

but... here's a small "counter"episode which happened a number of rainy seasons ago when i was a tourist in Pattaya, age mid 40s, hair completely grey.

venue: Best Friend Bar, Beach Road

weather: drizzle with intermittent heavy rain

time: ~20.00 hrs

me to bargirl: why do you look angry today?

bargirl: habb lain too mutt

me: but rain is nice, much cooler, air cleaner

bargirl: no falang come to bar. stay all hotel.

me: what about me? i'm not falang?

bargirl: oh you same same Papa

me:

the story goes on but i'm not at liberty to reveal more as Mrs Naam reads Thaivisa once in a while.

[beerchang]

I'm liking this thread. Maintain sense of humour people!

OK, sorry if i repeat someone else, havn't had time to read all.....

1.Bar girl..."How's your mum? If she sick i send you money"

2.Bar girl... "How's your mums buffalo? If it sick i send it money"

3. Bar girl...Wow you are ugly man."

4. Bar girl..."I work bar only 10 years"

5. Bar girl..." Please bar fine my friend, i no need money"

6. Bar girl..."Please i borrow 2000bht, my boss pay me next week and i will not pay you back"

7. Anonymous policeman..."HOW DARE YOU! Are you aware it's illegal to try and bribe an officer of the law"

8. Anonymous policeman..."I'm sorry, i cannot drink alcohol while on duty"

9. Anonymous policeman..."I stop you because you drive so good. Here, take 200 baht as a reward"

10. Tourist policeman, Pattaya..."Aah, i understand everything you said and i will go to every length humanly possibble to apprehend the nefarious miscreants tha have caused your stay here to be problematic"

11. Phuket tuk tuk driver..."It was only a kilometre, just give me 20 baht"

[beerchang]

Oh yea, forgot one.

Wife..."You want some money"

[David48]

Ok, well done Blether. 300 odd entries of Things you will never hear in Thailand!.

Here is the consolidated list with minimal formatting, some catagorisation and some dupes removed.

I will add a final one of: TV Forum posters naturally adopting a consistant way of formatting their bleeding posts %^#%#^!

necronx99 ...

great work and I am sure appreciated by the OP and all those who contributed ...

.