I Blew Up At The Missus This Evening.

[tutsiwarrior]

the wife left this morning to discharge her brother from hospital who got seriously busted up in a motorbike accident...we paid about thb30000 to assist him and his family and I see it as part of our responsibility...

problem is that he has never said a word to me and never meets my eye when we are in the same room...and I remarked as much to my wife who just said that he is illiterate and mentally difficient and I responded: 'and why does an illiterate and mentally difficient individual presume that he can assume responsibility for suppporting a family? (he has 2 little boys)...'

she just shrugged her shoulders in irritation...

Oh how familiar your post is. I have a BIG problem with my inlaws- we live in my wife's sister's house, and it was really deficient when we moved in, both in the house and outside.

Over the past year I have done MAJOR work, cleaning up outside, laying gravel at my expense, paying for new fridge, sink, shelving and cooker, Also done a lot of work inside and around the house- sorting the electrics, tiling the old tatty kitchen bench, new lighting and improving all the patio paving, reroofing the car port, replacing bad concrete etc etc.

However, whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

In the beginning I used to complain to my wife about it, which just annoyed her, so now I don't say anything, get PO ( we have a row about something every time they visit ) and just get more and more angry whenever she tells me they are coming to stay.

Moving out is not an option at present, though I long for the time we can move back to Pattaya, far away from THEM!

the wife left this morning to discharge her brother from hospital who got seriously busted up in a motorbike accident...we paid about thb30000 to assist him and his family and I see it as part of our responsibility...

problem is that he has never said a word to me and never meets my eye when we are in the same room...and I remarked as much to my wife who just said that he is illiterate and mentally difficient and I responded: 'and why does an illiterate and mentally difficient individual presume that he can assume responsibility for suppporting a family? (he has 2 little boys)...'

she just shrugged her shoulders in irritation...

Oh how familiar your post is. I have a BIG problem with my inlaws- we live in my wife's sister's house, and it was really deficient when we moved in, both in the house and outside.

Over the past year I have done MAJOR work, cleaning up outside, laying gravel at my expense, paying for new fridge, sink, shelving and cooker, Also done a lot of work inside and around the house- sorting the electrics, tiling the old tatty kitchen bench, new lighting and improving all the patio paving, reroofing the car port, replacing bad concrete etc etc.

However, whenever they come to visit, they basically ignore me, never speak to me unless necessary, don't look at me and have NEVER said thank you for all my work, none of which I had to do ( though I couldn't live in the house the way it was ).

In the beginning I used to complain to my wife about it, which just annoyed her, so now I don't say anything, get PO ( we have a row about something every time they visit ) and just get more and more angry whenever she tells me they are coming to stay.

Moving out is not an option at present, though I long for the time we can move back to Pattaya, far away from THEM!

oh, well...the rest of the family are friendly, helpful and appreciative for the help that I have provided over the years...there are a lot of kids and I spread money around to help with the school expenses and medical problems as you can't take it with you but the one brother who is mute and unresponsive bothers me...however if seen in a context of illiteracy and mental disability then better understood and really not an issue...

and my nieces, most of whom are now gorgeous teenaged sirens, like their uncle tutsi as well...and the wife helps out: 'you ask yer uncle tutsi for a new mobile and I'm gonna give you a whack, godammit...'

[maxme]

And just ditch the kids , well now that's a swell idea. Did your mommy never teach you about responsibility?

There are more clever and easier ways to handle this than acting on the same leve she has been doing.

They are her kids, she is their mother and somehow managed without his babysitting services before, think she can cope? I do. How about when he went home for a few weeks, was that a mortal sin?

There isn't a physical ball and chain involved here is there. . .

That was the package he took when he got her. Right or wrong it doesn't really matter... Either he solves it by trying to straighten her out or divorce her. Why should the kids be suffering due to their inconsistent marriage problems. Besides it takes two to tango in a family but I forget sometimes who I am talking to since I doubt many here believe in "real" relationships especially when they got poor farm girls from the north east to do their bidding.

Edited June 16, 2012 by maxme

[pattayadingo]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

Stalking , on a serious note you can always use the report button.

As for the OP, the problem i have with your POV's are that they are so outdated. You and a few others on here really do need to understand there are many of us here in normal, loving relationships, where both contribute to household chores etc. You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

For the OP much has been said and it does seem that the relationship has run it's course. I would leave and try to arrange some sort of on-going contact with his step-daughter.

I agree with Bangkokhatter here. Nothing wrong at all with cooking, cleaning and ironing etc.

If a man is at home all day while the SO is out working why not do it yourself or at least help with the chores. It does not make you less of a man to do so.

And there is the added bonus that if your SO is out at work she is not getting under your feet or sleeping all day.

[TommoPhysicist]

The gospel according to Tommo

Comments like this about me is a little bit sad, if you don't agree with my POV, why not post your own, much more productive.

I would also like to point out the behaviour you are exhibiting towards me is called stalking, and against forum rules, please refrain from doing it. If you don't like my posts I would suggest adding me to your IGNORE list.

Stalking , on a serious note you can always use the report button.

As for the OP, the problem i have with your POV's are that they are so outdated. You and a few others on here really do need to understand there are many of us here in normal, loving relationships, where both contribute to household chores etc. You seem to think because i do my own ironing or cook a dinner my SO now has no respect for me.

For the OP much has been said and it does seem that the relationship has run it's course. I would leave and try to arrange some sort of on-going contact with his step-daughter.

I agree with Bangkokhatter here. Nothing wrong at all with cooking, cleaning and ironing etc.

If a man is at home all day while the SO is out working why not do it yourself or at least help with the chores. It does not make you less of a man to do so.

And there is the added bonus that if your SO is out at work she is not getting under your feet or sleeping all day.

I'm not sure why I'm getting stick about 'household chores' as I can't find anywhere my opinion on this subject has been posted?

[Bangkokhatter]

Tommo household chores was just an example, your constant view is that cos we have a THAI girlfriend or wife we have to think differently and treat them as though they are simpletons.You think they are not capable of rational thought and it's pointless engaging them in any discussion about relationship difficulties.

I agree it can be difficult, i have first hand experience of being in an abusive relationship, but I sorted it out and moved on , but the experience never left me bitter about Thai women, it's not cos they are Thai, it's cos they are women

The whole idea of a man's role etc is nonsense in these times, we all have different circumstances, the OP i think is retired and his wife works so to me it's obvious he would do most of the chores, For me, we both work so splitting the chores 50/50 is right,

Am waffling now, but my point is, it is possible to have a normal relationship with a Thai lady , sure some of them are proper twisted but in my opinion they are in the minority.....hopefully

[loong]

Loong, I think she is worried that she is losing you, I think her confidence in the relationship has hit a low ebb......so perhaps she is trying to put a brave face on it all by being the one who is pretending not to care

Why?

Well you have pointed out that she has worked hard and long hours, yet you appear to criticise her efforts around the house

You talk about piles of clothes not put away, yet you could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting

You have just been away, on your own, for a long period, an 'expensive' trip, but it would appear that you criticise her for buying a truck, and insurance, despite the fact that she has worked long hours (during and after the 'forced' sale of her business) to try and meet the cost

If you have mentioned financial hardship, tightening the belt as it were, then you continue to drink and smoke

I am not having a go at you, and appreciate that you have assisted with the washing and cooking, but maybe she feels at the moment she can do nothing right.........

I have posted this because I think you should consider very carefully the further damage you may inflict on her confidence if you 'take a trip' as many have suggested

Best wishes for the future

I don't think that you have read all the posts. I can't blame you really as i almost stopped when this thread was well and truly hijacked.

I didn't exactly criticise her for buying the pick-up, but I do feel that she should have discussed it with me first. I did actually say that I was proud of her at the time. As I have already said, she is not lazy when it comes to working a job, but when she is out of work, she has little interest in keeping the house looking reasonable.

I don't and never would criticise her efforts around the house when she is out at work all day, only when she has a period out of work. What sort of person would I be if I expect my other half to work all day and then come home and do all the housework?

"You could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting"

When she is working, she comes home to find all the clothes clean, folded or on hangers and put away.

I have a few beers in the evening, I really see nothing wrong with that. I had too many the time when I made the OP and suffered for it. Didn't have a beer the last 2 evenings

[TommoPhysicist]

"You could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting"

When she is working, she comes home to find all the clothes clean, folded or on hangers and put away.

I have a few beers in the evening, I really see nothing wrong with that. I had too many the time when I made the OP and suffered for it. Didn't have a beer the last 2 evenings

Most of the Thai guys in my village are falling down drunk by 8pm every evening.

You are far better behaved than almost all of them.

[473geo]

Loong, I think she is worried that she is losing you, I think her confidence in the relationship has hit a low ebb......so perhaps she is trying to put a brave face on it all by being the one who is pretending not to care

Why?

Well you have pointed out that she has worked hard and long hours, yet you appear to criticise her efforts around the house

You talk about piles of clothes not put away, yet you could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting

You have just been away, on your own, for a long period, an 'expensive' trip, but it would appear that you criticise her for buying a truck, and insurance, despite the fact that she has worked long hours (during and after the 'forced' sale of her business) to try and meet the cost

If you have mentioned financial hardship, tightening the belt as it were, then you continue to drink and smoke

I am not having a go at you, and appreciate that you have assisted with the washing and cooking, but maybe she feels at the moment she can do nothing right.........

I have posted this because I think you should consider very carefully the further damage you may inflict on her confidence if you 'take a trip' as many have suggested

Best wishes for the future

I don't think that you have read all the posts. I can't blame you really as i almost stopped when this thread was well and truly hijacked.

I didn't exactly criticise her for buying the pick-up, but I do feel that she should have discussed it with me first. I did actually say that I was proud of her at the time. As I have already said, she is not lazy when it comes to working a job, but when she is out of work, she has little interest in keeping the house looking reasonable.

I don't and never would criticise her efforts around the house when she is out at work all day, only when she has a period out of work. What sort of person would I be if I expect my other half to work all day and then come home and do all the housework?

"You could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting"

When she is working, she comes home to find all the clothes clean, folded or on hangers and put away.

I have a few beers in the evening, I really see nothing wrong with that. I had too many the time when I made the OP and suffered for it. Didn't have a beer the last 2 evenings

I have followed and read the thread, I do not contest what you write above, I am, as I said, not having a go at you, my comments were not about apportioning blame

I am asking you to take a look at your actions and comments, general demeanor, inflection, ..have you been a bit lacklustre and miserable.....do you think that does not have an effect? .....if you can say that there is no way she could have picked up negative vibes say regarding your financial situation at times, regarding her efforts around the home at times, then I am am wrong in my opinion...but bear in mind women are perceptive......will she view the gripe about not popping in to say hello as just another turn in an already visible downward spiral of unhappiness?

It has been suggested that a family holiday might be beneficial, well I would consider this if you wish to build her confidence in the relationship

The mention of the sitting around drinking....again not an accusation, don't get uptight, under normal circumstances I would say without doubt not an issue for either of you.....but how does it look to her if you used to fold the clothes and now you think it is her job, and you sit enjoying a couple of beers? while on the other hand mentioning she has not done the work.....just saying you've got to be careful how comments and actions combined can come across

[transam]

Loong, I think she is worried that she is losing you, I think her confidence in the relationship has hit a low ebb......so perhaps she is trying to put a brave face on it all by being the one who is pretending not to care

Why?

Well you have pointed out that she has worked hard and long hours, yet you appear to criticise her efforts around the house

You talk about piles of clothes not put away, yet you could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting

You have just been away, on your own, for a long period, an 'expensive' trip, but it would appear that you criticise her for buying a truck, and insurance, despite the fact that she has worked long hours (during and after the 'forced' sale of her business) to try and meet the cost

If you have mentioned financial hardship, tightening the belt as it were, then you continue to drink and smoke

I am not having a go at you, and appreciate that you have assisted with the washing and cooking, but maybe she feels at the moment she can do nothing right.........

I have posted this because I think you should consider very carefully the further damage you may inflict on her confidence if you 'take a trip' as many have suggested

Best wishes for the future

I don't think that you have read all the posts. I can't blame you really as i almost stopped when this thread was well and truly hijacked.

I didn't exactly criticise her for buying the pick-up, but I do feel that she should have discussed it with me first. I did actually say that I was proud of her at the time. As I have already said, she is not lazy when it comes to working a job, but when she is out of work, she has little interest in keeping the house looking reasonable.

I don't and never would criticise her efforts around the house when she is out at work all day, only when she has a period out of work. What sort of person would I be if I expect my other half to work all day and then come home and do all the housework?

"You could easily be categorised as sitting around drinking rather than assisting"

When she is working, she comes home to find all the clothes clean, folded or on hangers and put away.

I have a few beers in the evening, I really see nothing wrong with that. I had too many the time when I made the OP and suffered for it. Didn't have a beer the last 2 evenings

I have followed and read the thread, I do not contest what you write above, I am, as I said, not having a go at you, my comments were not about apportioning blame

I am asking you to take a look at your actions and comments, general demeanor, inflection, ..have you been a bit lacklustre and miserable.....do you think that does not have an effect? .....if you can say that there is no way she could have picked up negative vibes say regarding your financial situation at times, regarding her efforts around the home at times, then I am am wrong in my opinion...but bear in mind women are perceptive......will she view the gripe about not popping in to say hello as just another turn in an already visible downward spiral of unhappiness?

It has been suggested that a family holiday might be beneficial, well I would consider this if you wish to build her confidence in the relationship

The mention of the sitting around drinking....again not an accusation, don't get uptight, under normal circumstances I would say without doubt not an issue for either of you.....but how does it look to her if you used to fold the clothes and now you think it is her job, and you sit enjoying a couple of beers? while on the other hand mentioning she has not done the work.....just saying you've got to be careful how comments and actions combined can come across

I know a few farangs that are complete <deleted> that talk down to their partners. BUT, these ladies stick to them like glue cos they know how their '' Bread is buttered''.

IF, a lady is playing up it usually is because she has another financier in the pipe line. My pal died and ''Hay Presto'' a Thai guy was doing all the business the next day.

[Justaword]

@ OP : been there, except for the kid.....

First thought after your initial post was "take holidays", like many others said, but when you started to disclose more details things started to look a bit differently....

Some people wrote great comments, and some very balanced opinions have been expressed. Can't quote everybody, but there is an unusual amount of wisdom in this thread !

Other people just kept quoting each other on the usual "thai vs foreigner" rant, as usual TV trolls do, but your latest comments suggest you are well aware of it....

So, I will give you my OPINION, which is only the result of my 11+ years personal (intense) experience here, but by this not meant by any ways to be the "perfect" answer :

- Not only you are in Thailand, which "culture" is already puzzling for most foreigners, but you are in Isaan, despised even by "educated" Thais. I live here at the moment, like you, and trying to compare to our western experiences is utterly useless. Your girl doesn't say "hello" when she comes back ? Don't take it personal. Mine didn't do neither, until I complained about it, and still......

She actually had troubles to understand why I was so upset about it. People here don't greet each other as we (farang) do if they see each other every day, unless there is a (very) high level of Thai "respect" involved. People here will almost drop on their knees for a monk or the rich local guy, but will ignore their own kids/parents/brothers/sisters/husbands/wives most of the time.

Even after months of separation, a kid coming back home simply "way" his parents, and then everybody goes back to their own business. Which could be working in the fields, sleeping, or playing cards. I know that in depth it's far more complicated than this, but there is an abyssal gap between what Thai people can think and feel, and whatever they are willing to show.

- Housekeeping etc. Well, unfortunately I have to agree with some of the most radical posts here.....As much as MOST of Thais are very keen on their personal hygiene, the house and surroundings are the least of their problems, UNLESS they they think they belong to the "elite" and therefore have maids and a need to show off with huge empty houses with chromed fences, immaculate lawns etc etc.....

In clear, here, in an Isaan VILLAGE , no matter how much garbage is lying around the place, if your house is bigger than everybody around you still are better than the others....As another poster experienced, I tried to "improve" things in my western way, cleaning the crap, fixing leaking roofs and walls, fighting against the dirt and stuff, locals around were just laughing at me. I even planned painting exterior walls and bugs/moisture protecting major wooden structures, GF wisely advised to forget about it as family and neighbors will think I am insane....But back to your own remarks, yes, when the place REALLY starts to get disgusting, somebody will eventually broom some stuff out.....and that's it. Accept it.....

A poster said he had the feeling he got the twin sister of your miss, well, it's more like there are a few millions of genetically cloned twins around here. And what I mean by this, is that WE (or they?) ARE DIFFERENT, that's it. As strange as it sounds, I have traveled a lot, been involved in relationships a bit everywhere, and settled up in Thailand while admitting that people here behave miles away from what we are used to. Maybe it's the challenge which keep us here.....Oh, by the way, and I am not that old, bald or fat, and finding good looking girls back home has never been a problem. It's just that once I got here, well, I never felt as going back. Hard to explain.In fact, can't even explain it to myself.....

-Trust. Well, as much you seem to trust her, as much she doesn't trust you, if I relate to your trip to UK. Nothing new here. Again, Thai "culture" is made of this. Songs, movies, soapies, all give the same message. Cheating on each other while in a relationship is such a common image here that being faithful is almost felt as "abnormal", and commonly perceived as impossible. No matter what you really do, no matter what you say, your Thai partner will always think that you DO cheat on her/him. And SOME will seek revenge, on the basis that because you "probably" <deleted> around, there is no reason not to do the same. It's like the egg/chick paradox.....

Even without any evidence, at some point, you will be accused of infidelity in any related or not argument. Bear in mind that, EVERYWHERE in the world, there are people practicing the old adage "the best defense is attack". As far as I have experienced, girls (from all over the world) excel in this kind of rhetoric, with Thais being probably the masters.....

- Respect. Maybe the main issue in your situation, as it has been for mine. Yes, as many people have pointed out, there is a lack of "respect" from her side. But always remember that we (farang) don't define it in the same way. There is a very well established hierarchy of respect here, and whoever has lived/worked here can understand the concept. Traditionally, it's Monarchy, Religion, Family. Practically it's Monarchy, then religion and WEALTH. In most Thai eyes, what you are, or what you do, is irrelevant compared to what you OWN. But you have to SHOW your wealth, or nobody will take you seriously. It's not my cup of tea, and it's why I am moving out soon WITH my half to escape family pressure, at least for a while..... Yes, I know, it's sad from OUR point of view. But (unfortunately for us) it's the truth for them.

Oh, and don't forget that unless you are VERY wealthy, as a foreigner you will be always VERY low on the scale of "respect" anyway.

Where I disagree with some posters, in your particular situation, it's about the "scam" between foreign guys vs Thai girls. Yes, s**t happens all the time, heard so many stories I can't even remember half. Western Union is probably making a fortune here, thanks to all the stupid Teeraks around the world...... but I don't think you are in this kind of situation. As rule of thumb, just be sure that the brother or the cousin are what they pretend to be

I have been bothered to post, for once, because your story remembers so much of mine that I couldn't be indifferent. And it sounds that you really need some help. So, the least I could do is to share my experience of a similar situation and how I dealt with it.....

1) "grow some balls" as somebody said, although it has to be taken in a positive way and not as a disguised insult (wear a dress etc etc.....). By western modern standards, doing laundry etc as a guy is viewed these days like a positive attitude, and I was exactly like you, garden included.

But here it's not viewed like this. Not yet at least, and especially not were you and me are living right now. Yes, excessive kindness here is viewed as weakness. Be nice, be fair, don't be arrogant, but don't be weak. "Chicks dig a**holes" is unfortunately true most of the times, everywhere in the world. Doesn't mean you need to be one, but being a doormat will NOT earn you ANY of the respect you are lacking or the attention you are looking for.

Said that, I do understand your position. You are not working, living on your assets, but she does, and she comes back home tired. Fair enough. Same me not so long time ago, although I was making decent money with an online business but "playing on the computer is not working" Yeah.....15 hours of coding a day is not viewed as work here.....Well, whatever. Solution ? Do what you think you have to do in the house to keep it nice and clean, be proud of the fact that YOU are doing it willingly, but tell her to go to hell if she ASKS you to do it. Keep remembering her who is paying the bills. When all arguments fail, money has often the last word.....

Oh, and of course, as somebody suggested earlier on, next time she calls you infuriated asking where you are, answer very spontaneously that you are with the mia noi or for short time or something like this. She will go mad for a bit, but in the end she won't believe you because in her mind you wouldn't say it if it was true, so problem solved. .......It's one of the first tricks I learned here to deal with the ferocious jealousy of some.....But be consistent, say it every time, and she will give up asking. Works like a charm.....As weird as it sounds, Thai DO expect you to lie anyway, the same way they do, and nobody here will believe you if you pretends that you ALWAYS say the truth. Took me a while to get used to that.....

2) clarify money situation. Most (Thai) woman set their priorities early in their lives. Usually here, it's a house, a car and a family, with variations in the order of them, although the family part is the first they get, usually unwillingly.... And of course money on top of it. Westeners include also work gratification and a social status ("power") but in Thailand it seems than only men have real interest in it.

It's not clear if you own (or at least paid for) the house you are living in, but the pick up story says it all. SHE bought the car with HER money without even asking you. Sorry to say it, but unless you paid for the house, you are doomed on the respect side. Of course, you didn't really need a car, and it's parked most of the time. Of course she couldn't really afford it, and it's why she's struggling to pay for it. Doesn't matter. She did Buy it, not you. She did show the money, not you. Even if she did only to prove her independence, you are doomed. Maybe not in her eyes, but in the family/friends eyes, yes. For them, you are a looser. Easy to fix it though, just buy something bigger or a bunch of shiny gold and you will save your face....

By the way, 800k in the bank is merely a car. She works, you don't. She bought a car to show off, you didn't. You were probably smarter than her on this, but it's not what her friends and family will think. And they will keep telling her all the time. And, if it's not done yet, she will start to blame you. Peer pressure, loss of face, call it how you want, but it's there. The only good farangs are the rich ones....

When my miss was still working, you know what her friends were telling her ? "You have a farang boyfriend, why you NEED to work ???" It's a good question.Yes, people talk about "educated" girls, who are proud of their financial independence. Yes, they do exist. They work in offices, companies, some make 20k+, which is not bad here. Bar girls can make a lot more than this, but they have to deal with a far more uncertain future, and usually have kids, BF and brothers to feed.... But who would work a basic job for a misery if they had the choice ?

Your miss works hard for 6k, mine wasn't making much more. Why ? Because she's either scared that you will leave her, so she has to plan for herself, or she doesn't trust your ability to "take care" of her and the family, which is based on the misconception that you are not working hence not earning any money. Or she knows already that you are not part of her future.

I am not saying that ONLY money matters, but it's often the main concern. Ever been to a wedding or a funeral ? Ever been shocked by all the ceremonies about the donations, counting the money received publicly etc etc ? Well, I did....

It took years to my miss to accept the fact that I was "viable", and finally quit her crap job so we could have more time together, as I am now working offshore and my schedule is quite unpredictable. But, as you at some point, I was deceived that without the financial reward of a paid job she suddenly became the laziest one ever....Everybody who has/had an Isaan gf can testify of the incredible ratio of eating/drinking/sleeping/playing cards time spent against any other activity.....And NO, offering money to clean up the place were she is herself living is NOT the solution. She's probably still laughing at the idea.....

So it's where you are. She took for granted that you will do everything in the house, it was somehow justified when she was working, but she then expected the same when she was NOT working, which was wrong even by western standards.

You know what ? You need a life, your life. But you know it already. You said that maybe you just feel lonely. I bet you are over there, on your own.

Go out, find other farangs to have a beer with. Get involved in something which gives you the occasion to spend time out of the house or the garden. Have your own agenda and don't keep on looking for her permanent attention, they hate this.

A girl like yours sounds like mine, they like to have their own time and hate sticky partners, and it's not necessarily for wrongdoing (insert usual rants and doubts here....). She has probably been raised as she raised her kids, with little or no supervision. Appearing and disappearing randomly without notice is as natural as breathing. They have no clue of what WE call respect or even what is to be polite with "ordinary" people in a western way.

Even if you speak fluent Thai, you are lost with the dialects. Even if you could understand what they say, they will not understand you and you will not REALLY understand them. You are a farang, in a country that has no real respect for other cultures.

I have been in your situation, booze included (and yes, it just makes things worst). I wouldn't say I "won", because it's not a game or a war. But at some point I started to stand up again, I remembered when to say NO and when to say <deleted> OFF, and I recovered my dignity, somehow. As strange it can sound, I earned respect by slamming the door and walking away more than once. Sober.

The last couple of times I was really going to give up, many fishes in the sea. I guess she felt it and started to soften. She started to talk. We started to understand, and accept each other as we are, with our differences. Nobody really knows what they have to loose until they are loosing it for good.

Since then everything went better. A lot better. But the fact that I got a new "real" job later on, which keeps me away quite often from the deep Isaan, helps too......

Don't let her slam the door on you again. Do it. Slam it and walk away. If she cares, you will know it. And you will have a chance to talk together. Or take her for a couple of days somewhere else, in a place where she doesn't know anybody, just the two of you. It works for me....

If id doesn't get better, well, maybe it's time to think about yourself. This country is filled with good earthed guy who thought they have met a pearl, until they realize it was only shine on a potato. Or worst. But there are exceptions, of course. Just be aware that the "she's different" line is a magnet for sarcasm....

It seems you would have already left if it wasn't for the daughter. I understand how much you love her. But be aware that even if you sacrify your life for her, you MAY have a lot of deceptions in return later on. As somebody said early on, giving is nice, but don't expect any gratification in return. Especially here.

[FlyByNights]

IMO hire a fulltime house keeper or a cute looking nanny. This should get her attention quick.

Let her know what your role is in the relationship is, and outline what you want hers to be as well. Write it on paper similar to a contract and post it somewhere in the house. This way she doesn’t forget.

Invite some friends over to the house (pre planned) while she is around, and have them comment on how dirty the place is, and that it smells a little bit like shyt. Make sure she is able to hear what your friends are saying. This will certainly make her lose face and think twice.

A Thai women knows exactly what her responsibilities as a wife should be, but sometime they (Issan women) are just too lazy to bother. They assume they have finally met the stupid Farang buffalo that will do it all.

I guarantee you she wouldn’t be acting the way she is if you were a Thai man.

Worst case scenario, if you don’t want to lose you little girl, but at the same time get rid of your lady, ask for adoption rights.

This might cost you, but I have heard of this option.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

@ OP : been there, except for the kid.....

...

It seems you would have already left if it wasn't for the daughter. I understand how much you love her. But be aware that even if you sacrify your life for her, you MAY have a lot of deceptions in return later on. As somebody said early on, giving is nice, but don't expect any gratification in return. Especially here.

Wow, what a great post, qualified terms, logic and restraint. I salute you sir bravo

IMO hire a fulltime house keeper or a cute looking nanny. This should get her attention quick.

Even a part-time ugly one would accomplish that goal and without as many unintended consequences.

....

A Thai women knows exactly what her responsibilities as a wife should be, but sometime they (Issan women) are just too lazy to bother. They assume they have finally met the stupid Farang buffalo that will do it all.

...

Agree with the general sentiment, but no need to single out these out as traits associated with a particular ethnicity, just human.

But you're overall right, if the job isn't getting done but you want it done then get it done yourself and adjust arrangements to suit yourself - and be ready to accept the consequences.

And maybe nothing will improve the underlying situation, but give some of these suggestions a shot OP, just moping about and being the doormat is certainly not going to help anything at all.

[David006]

My children have never seen me cook dinner...except for toast....nor wash a dish...let alone dishes...nor wash any clothes.

I am worried I am setting a bad example and have contemplated opening a can of beans and heating them up.

..come on ........we all know your really a little Sammy homemaker ..a pinny. over your y fronts, freshly ironed wife beater with a recipe for muffins on the back and pink rubber gloves...right?.....if the can has a ring pull mind your fingernails

[Pseudolus]

Depending upon how your finances are arranged, and if you can afford to walk away from everything, you just need to lay it on the line. She's using you like a hotel now. I know the feeling, I got to the same place with my ex wife and I kicked her out when I realised that we were two people sharing a house (that I was paying for) and a day would go by without speaking. This was after trying to fix the problem for half a year by the way. So, unless it means you giving her everything and you having nothing, put it on the line and say you are not happy with the way things are, tell her what you need her to do different, ask her what you need to do different, and if there is no improvement, its hit the road time.

[kerryk]

Depending upon how your finances are arranged, and if you can afford to walk away from everything, you just need to lay it on the line. She's using you like a hotel now. I know the feeling, I got to the same place with my ex wife and I kicked her out when I realised that we were two people sharing a house (that I was paying for) and a day would go by without speaking. This was after trying to fix the problem for half a year by the way. So, unless it means you giving her everything and you having nothing, put it on the line and say you are not happy with the way things are, tell her what you need her to do different, ask her what you need to do different, and if there is no improvement, its hit the road time.

Why do you need to talk? Some women reward their husbands by not talking for a day. Monks don't talk much and some cloistered nuns.

[jombom]

Wise words from many people. My 2 satangs worth is as follows.

OP should leave for a few days. It does not have to be terminal, as the OP suggests. Simply call her at work and say a friend of yours needs help, and you have to go now. If she presses for specifics, say you will call her later, when you find out yourself.

2 or 3 days later, buy a cheap copy book and start writing. This is difficult, as you need to examine yourself honestly. Telling us about the lady's errors, serves no purpose. You could start by answering this question.

With your new found freedom, do you like living on your own ?

Take it from there as honestly as you can.

Leave it for 2 days, and read what you wrote.

The daughter is another issue. However, if you are not mentally healthy, you are of little use to the daughter.

Sorry to be so blunt. You have my best wishes.

[maxme]

Depending upon how your finances are arranged, and if you can afford to walk away from everything, you just need to lay it on the line. She's using you like a hotel now. I know the feeling, I got to the same place with my ex wife and I kicked her out when I realised that we were two people sharing a house (that I was paying for) and a day would go by without speaking. This was after trying to fix the problem for half a year by the way. So, unless it means you giving her everything and you having nothing, put it on the line and say you are not happy with the way things are, tell her what you need her to do different, ask her what you need to do different, and if there is no improvement, its hit the road time.

Why do you need to talk? Some women reward their husbands by not talking for a day. Monks don't talk much and some cloistered nuns.

If your gal is rewarding you for not talking then Houston we've got a problem

Edited June 20, 2012 by maxme