Does Any Thread Ever Stay On Topic?

[Songhua]

To get back on the topic of vasectomies, I recall an announcement on BBC radio 4, in the UK ,a couple of years ago.

The lady reading the news announced that two RAF fighters had crashed in a mid air collision in Yorkshire, England.

She went on to reassure listeners that fortunately both pilots had managed to ejaculate before the planes collided!

Mission Control: 'eject eject eject'

Pilot: 'aaaaah'

[Rob8891]

I no longer need a vasectomy.... they fell off last winter..

[JaiRaiJaiDee]

I am very concened at the price of fish, so can anyone tell me where I can buy a bicycle.

My expat neighbor Kevin, who used to own a Beer Bar in Pattaya, bought a red bull singlet at the night market while looking for the fish stall. That singlet was too tight on him. When his gik saw it she became bisexual. He went on a pisser at his old bar and refused to pay the bill.

This is Thailand.

iPhone.

[Lite Beer]

Any more Off Topic posts will see this Topic being closed.

[Rajab Al Zarahni]

To get back on the topic of vasectomies, I recall an announcement on BBC radio 4, in the UK ,a couple of years ago.

The lady reading the news announced that two RAF fighters had crashed in a mid air collision in Yorkshire, England.

She went on to reassure listeners that fortunately both pilots had managed to ejaculate before the planes collided!

Mission Control: 'eject eject eject'

Pilot: 'aaaaah'

You're just playing at semantics!

[Rob8891]

Any more Off Topic posts will see this Topic being closed.

ummmmmmmmmmm

[Rob8891]

To get back on the topic of vasectomies, I recall an announcement on BBC radio 4, in the UK ,a couple of years ago.

The lady reading the news announced that two RAF fighters had crashed in a mid air collision in Yorkshire, England.

She went on to reassure listeners that fortunately both pilots had managed to ejaculate before the planes collided!

Mission Control: 'eject eject eject'

Pilot: 'aaaaah'

Thereafter said pilot was told to pull back firmly on his joystick, then reach down and grasp the ring between his legs before giving it a firm yank........

[metisdead]

I saw a duck today.

[TomTao]

To get back on the topic of vasectomies, I recall an announcement on BBC radio 4, in the UK ,a couple of years ago.

The lady reading the news announced that two RAF fighters had crashed in a mid air collision in Yorkshire, England.

She went on to reassure listeners that fortunately both pilots had managed to ejaculate before the planes collided!

Mission Control: 'eject eject eject'

Pilot: 'aaaaah'

Thereafter said pilot was told to pull back firmly on his joystick, then reach down and grasp the ring between his legs before giving it a firm yank........

Why was there an American in the cockpit with him, did he need help with the joy stick?

Sent from my GT-I9003

[IAMSOBAD]

Some yes and some no.

What was the question?

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[yermanee]

I must dress down to hide my wealth= dirty t-shirt, shorts,and flops.

Good tactics !!! But next time take off your gold Lolex

Yermanee

[Songhua]

I saw a duck today.

Was England playing?

[chiangmaikelly]

Depends upon the skill of the OP ...

Tacking is a time honoured skill.

Mention British not prefaced by the word awesome and you get an automatic three extra pages of posts.

[Tywais]

[harrry]

Depends upon the skill of the OP ...

Tacking is a time honoured skill.

Mention British not prefaced by the word awesome and you get an automatic three extra pages of posts.

did not think the English were so great with awesome sailing into the wind..

[chrisinth]

My dog is always barking at next door's chickens.

It drives me nuts.

Next doors chickens were barking at my dogs the other day.

Waaay ahead of you on the nut scale

[IAMSOBAD]

This THREAD is so fine it could make an ARMANI suit.

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[theblether]

So I have to begin by introducing you to the cast for this story....please meet K, a car dealer , H a salesman from Germany, and R, a retired fireman.

I met H on a bus heading for an Air Asia flight that we both missed in Kuala Lumpur, and since then we have have kinda teamed up. H came to Chiang Mai on my recommendation, and he has loved every minute in this wonderful town. R now lives here in Chiang Mai, and K is here on holiday to see the sights and to visit R.

That's the cast, here is the story.

R came up with the idea that we should visit a picturesque small village called Tha Ton close to the Burmese border, and sail back to a town called Chiang Rai on a long boat. Great idea, we said in unison, how do we do it? R took care of all of the arrangements and we duly arrived at the local bus station, where I was hoping for an air conditioned VIP bus, but in reality, we caught a ramshackle super slow local bus service, that took 4 hours to travel to Tha Ton. I think the average height of the Thais is about 5 foot 2, so the local buses are made with them in mind. I've travelled for 12 hours on a plane before but this bus was so cramped that I think it was the biggest risk ever of getting a Deep Vein Thrombosis that I have ever taken!!! We did have air conditioning though, as we could slide down the windows and stick our arms outside. I was contemplating doing just that when I realised that if I did , the year old wee year old baby boy in the seat in front would go flying out. This caused me a real predicament, sweat to death or toss a toddler oot the windae? K had been singing "aw ye cannae shove yer granny aff the bus" the previous night and I was starting to wonder if that song was just a real thought of Grannycide as I contemplated Infanticide.

Anyway, just when the weans life was in imminent danger he kinda looked up at me ( obviously sensing imminent danger ) looked at me with those baby brown eyes and stuck out his arms to get a cuddle from me. I had a wee thought about my new grandson Lewis, and thought aww, that's cute. So I picked the wean up, ( his mum was glad of the break ), and we played at bouncy bouncy peek a boo until R pointed out that much more of that and the wean would be sick on me. I'd forgotten that weans were experts at unexpected sickness attacks so the wean was duly dispatched back to his disappointed mother who had been enjoying a snooze.

We got to Tha Ton, which really is a one horse town. It has a bridge, a river, one tiny pub, and some beautiful riverside cottages. The hotel we picked had only 2 riverside rooms left so we tossed a coin to see who would be getting them, and luckily I got one, and had the pleasure of being able to look out of our rooms at a quite stunning Chinese influenced Buddhist temple over looking the river between us. I had been out on a bender the night before so I went for a quick snooze, and woke up at 9.00pm to find R overlooking the river with a glass of vodka and coke in hand, K wandering the street ( remember, there is only one street ) after drinking half a bottle of whisky, and H had went to bed early as the clear mountain air had knocked him out. It's sometimes difficult to tell if H is sleeping or not as he doesn't say much even when he is awake.

I went for a beautiful meal in the only pub in town, a super spicy seafood soup called Tom Yam Kung, which I have learned how to make, and we all crashed out in this superbly tranquil mountain village, with the sound of the river rolling past through the night.

Then it happened, Asians don't like it when it is quiet. It's 6.00am on Sunday morning, and the Buddhist temple across the river decides to start chanting morning prayers.......through a loud speaker, at full bung!!!! I'm sure that for the last 1500 years Lord Buddha was perfectly capable of hearing the chants from every temple in the land, but now they have all found out about technology, he must be getting Tinnitus with the ever louder chants coming his way. I stepped outside and there onto the veranda overlooking the river and there was K nursing a slightly sore head and contemplating Monkicide........no, no. not killing Monkeys, but doing in the orange robed shaven head wee Thai monk guys that had disturbed our best sleep this year. The Monks ( all Buddhists ) reckon that they will be reincarnated 500 times before going to Nirvana, so they don't mind getting done in as they have got hundreds of lives left apparently, but I still had to talk K out of his devious plan.

Now R was up too, ( H was still sleeping, well either that or still not saying much ), so we decided to be self righteous and walk over the bridge up to the Chinese temple. We made it up in jiff time, have a look at this link, which gives you general pictures of the temples and area we were in.

http://www.google.co.th/images?hl=en&rlz=1C1SKPM_enTH400TH400&q=tha+ton+thailand+images&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=qRJKTeuwCcOxrAfQxNGmDg&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CCEQsAQwAA&biw=1600&bih=809

Once we got there we noticed another temple, so we walked up to that one, then to another Golden Buddha and finally we decided to walk to the top of the hill and get into the Grand Temple. We were half way up this super steep hill and regretting this decision when a wee tiny Suzuki pick up truck turned up, stopped, and beckoned us to jump in. I've never been so happy to see a wee Thai guy in my life, and he duly dropped us off at the temple. The temple is spectacular, if you look at the link it is the multi coloured one with the upturned saucer look, and the views were even better, with mist shrouded mountains on one side, the vista of the valley below us, and the slowly snaking Kok River running off into the distance. We strolled back down the mountain feeling pleased with ourselves, and the wee Thai guy with the Suzuki stopped on the way back down the hill and picked us up again. K then discovered this was actually the Kitchen van as there was a massive pot of gruel soup slopping around in the back of the truck, and for a moment he pictured the van crashing and being drowned in a vat of soup. Luckily for K we made it back to the first temple without incident, where we then descended about 150 steep steps, before going back to the hotel veranda for breakfast. It was a delight to watch the local Thai fishermen fishing by hand in the river, using a combination of plastic bottles as floats, and nets drifting alongside.....this felt like real Thailand. H eventually appeared from his bed and he strolled up the hill as far as he could before making his way back, feeling sorry for missing out on the best views in Northern Thailand.

12.30 came, and we found ourselves queueing to get on the long boat. I had imagined we would get a seat each but in reality we lay across the boat, making sure we were facing the right direction so that we had the ballast right. The boatman took one look at me and decided he needed more ballast. Anyway, it was a beautiful day. Can you imagine lying on a boat in the sunshine, rolling through the Northern Thai mountains, watching the paddy fields come and go, the traditional Thai villages, the Mountains on both sides covered in dense forest?. The highlights for me included watching the fishermen working hard with their nets, and seeing the kids swimming and playing on the river bank. It reminded me of days in the Clyde valley, and kids being kids, they didn't seem to be happy until they were in a right mess, covered in mud, lighting bonfires, and jumping from high rocks into the river. These kids might be penniless but they are richer than any kid stuck in the house with a TV and X-Box. We couldn't pass any Thai of any age without getting a big wave and an even bigger smile. These people are happy, and their happiness is infectious..

Occasionally the boat would run aground a little, which always resulted in the boatman giving me a good stare. If dirty looks were a diet I would weigh ten stone by now. The boatman was amazing at traversing obstacles, trees and rapids in the river. This was an Idyllic day, it couldn't get any better. I had a look around and saw buffalo drinking lazily from the river, and looking at us with disinterest. Wow, a buffalo I thought, "never mind the buffalo" said R, "look, there's an elephant in the water". So there was, a beautiful big Thai asian elephant, carrying a couple of people on it's back and it looked quite delighted with itself to be swimming in the cool water. We looked and there were more elephants queueing up on the river bank waiting to come in. As it turned out we had happened upon an elephant training camp, there are a lot of these camps now dedicated to rescueing and rehabilitating these wonderful animals. We stopped a few hundred yards down the river at a Karen Hill Tribe village where we were able to have a look at the monster snakes on display as the elephants made their way down towards us. What a sight, no wonder I love Thailand.

We got back in the boat and sailed the short distance to Chiang Rai, which is a sleepy wee market town. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I enjoyed watching the light display at the town clock. The Thais seem to take great pride in simple things and that was a delight to see. We stayed in a beautiful boutique hotel for the night, and had a chance to watch Andy Murray at the Australian Open. Shame about the result, but hey, the surroundings soon compensated for that. The locals were super friendly and myself and K had a lock in at the local pub. K was delighted with that, and we put on a display on Scottish song and dance that the locals thoroughly enjoyed. Some days in your life are magical, for me, and may I say my travelling partners agreed, this was a magical day.

Our mode of transport back to Chiang Mai was by bus, and we didn't realise that the service would be so busy. We couldn't get the VIP service, so we ended up in the second class service. Why would you care about that minor detail? Well I can safely say that I have never been so terrified in my life. Do you remember that Buddhists believe that they will be reincarnated 500 times? I'm convinced that our driver was trying to use up one of his lives up on this trip. We were running down steep mountainous roads, with cambers and corners going this way and that, warning signs everywhere, ( including Beware, Elephant Crossing signs ) and this driver was going like a man possessed. Hitting corners at high speed, over-taking on blind corners, causing the rear end of the bus to slide violently, and it turned out we were sitting on the worst seats on the bus, just behind the rear axle, and evey movement of the bus seemed to be "double bad" for us . I could not believe what I was seeing, and I missed most of the scenery cos I had my head in my hands, in a state of dread. The one time I did look up we were passing a graveyard, so my head went straight back into my hands again. K was going white, Fire Safety officer R was shaking his head in disbelief, and I think H was asleep as he wasn't saying much as usual.

We stopped for a few minutes at the bottom of the mountains and we breathed a sigh of relief, at least we were out of the worst of it. Wrong, we were on a plateau and the next bit was even worse. I jest you not, we were wondering why the handles on our seats had been ripped off and reattached several times, now we found out. This was a horror journey, K got a grip of his handle so tight that the palms of his hands started to sweat. He constantly rejoined, "Oh no Blether, he's over-taking again, oh no Blether he's speeding up into a blind corner.......oh no Blether, wait till you see this corner that's coming at us.....oh no Blether..........", I wasn't very happy at this running commentary of near misses and near death experiences as I had my eyes tightly shut and I was praying to every deity I could think of, so getting a running commentary was defeating the purpose. Then R started, " Oh no., you want to see the shear drop over the cliff here". No I didn't want to see it, that's why my eyes were closed!!!!! The one time I looked up I could see a Buddhist monk having a good laugh at our panicked antics. I think I'm going to request a Christian driver the next time, these Buddhists are a bit mad!! Anyway, we made it back to our hotel, where crawled up the steps in a state of shock, and blessed our luck at being alive by downing a bottle of whisky to steady our nerves. I can safely say I have never been so terrified in my life, and I know K and R agree, ( and remember R is a retired Fireman ). I don't know what H thinks as I think he was sleeping.

The next day we hired a tour guide to show us an area called Mae Rim, and we were taken to the Tiger Kingdom for some rest and relaxation. We were allowed to go into the Tiger cages and get pour pictures taken with these magnificent big cats.Yes, being in a cage with a full grown tiger was safer than being on that bus. We have some fantastic photos of us clapping the tigers and my favourite was with me grabbing a Tiger by the tail. This was another magical experience for us all, ( H didn't go, he was in bed ) and I suggested that we go see the Snake Farm. K was against that idea as he reckoned he was due a heart attack with all the frights he was getting, and he wasn't very keen on the idea of seeing Cobras in attack mode.. God is my witness strike me down dead if this next bit is a lie. The tour guide took us to a beautiful restaurant built on and around stunning waterfalls, and we walked down to one of the pagodas overlooking the Falls. K was leading the way, he went to step into the Pagoda, and a snake appeared right in front of him and slithered away. have you ever seen a grown man leap 12 feet in the air? I have, and I've also seen one bolt directly up a jungle path to the safety of the pagoda closest to the restaurant. Hysterical, just hysterical. K couldn't believe his bad luck and R couldn't stop laughing. We went from that beautiful lunch to see the monkeys at the Monkey farm, and they were highly entertaining. One wee monkey noticed a couple of red ants in K's hair and started to groom him. One cheeky monkey grooming another I thought.

Superb days out, and just to give you a flavour, the total cost of accomadation, buses, and the boat trip from Tha Ton to Chiang Rai, was 28 quid. That was a four hour bus journey, a room by the river, three hour long boat trip, boutique hotel in Chiang Rai and a three hour bus trip back to Chiang Mai for 28 quid. In future I think I'll fly though, I ain't taking a second class bus again

[arthurwait]

^^^^^^^^^

That is the opposite of writing big at school so you didn't have to write so much.

[theblether]

^^^^^^^^^

That is the opposite of writing big at school so you didn't have to write so much.

I know......too many words again, I need counselling

[Rob8891]

^^^^^^^^^

That is the opposite of writing big at school so you didn't have to write so much.

I know......too many words again, I need counselling

Thank heavens I had a nap before I read that!!! Thanks, Blether, it was a great story, and well told.

[theblether]

I know......I'm very clever......anyway back to the topic.

No.

[pigeonjake]

i wish i could spell,

read and write,

what you lot on about??

[Rob8891]

i wish i could spell,

read and write,

what you lot on about??

belive me, Jake, NO ONE could explain this thread The OP asked why we never keep on topic, then all hell broke loose!

[MAJIC]

Or , without any intention to deviate,one might pose the question:

Did Ethelred ever live in the tropics?

No! he was Unready and missed the Boat.

[MAJIC]

i wish i could spell,

read and write,

what you lot on about??

belive me, Jake, NO ONE could explain this thread The OP asked why we never keep on topic, then all hell broke loose!

Am I in the off Topic Topic???

[gmac]

Any more Off Topic posts will see this Topic being closed.

So........how can you tell when a topic about being off-topic is off-topic? Is this post on-topic or off-topic? Somebody heeelp me pleeease, I'm confused! And I don't even like fish.

[harrry]

Well people who eat fish do not like them either......they kill them.

[daftpunker]

im here to make sure it stays off topic its a continous tennis game between me and thai visa

[TomTao]

im here to make sure it stays off topic its a continous tennis game between me and thai visa

Speaking of tennis, do you like juice? Orange or apple?

Sent from my GT-I9003