MARRIAGE COUNSELING

After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife went to a

marriage counselor.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a

passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they

had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,

emptiness, loneliness,feeling unloved and unlovable, an

entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over

the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient

length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the

desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and

kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a

raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a

daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

'This is what your wife needs at least three times a

week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and

Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

Adam and Eve

(an alternative view of the first couple)

Adam and Eve

(an alternative view of the first couple)

Was Eve a muslin, looks like a burkah.

Adam and Eve

(an alternative view of the first couple)

Was Eve a muslin, looks like a burkah.

muslin or not, she was clever enough to fool Adam though

But the dress code of Adam looks like he wasn't muslin at all

Gives a new meaning to Greenfly!?!

muslin or not, she was clever enough to fool Adam though

But the dress code of Adam looks like he wasn't muslin at all

Guess he was, muslin is a material widely used to strain peas and other small spherical objects.

muslin or not, she was clever enough to fool Adam though

But the dress code of Adam looks like he wasn't muslin at all

Guess he was, muslin is a material widely used to strain peas and other small spherical objects.

LOL, my typo.....

Muslim

Al Kyadah, gunna be after me.

......... ............

You're for it now. You'll have to hide in Bedlam for refuge!

muslin or not, she was clever enough to fool Adam though

But the dress code of Adam looks like he wasn't muslin at all

Guess he was, muslin is a material widely used to strain peas and other small spherical objects.

LOL, my typo.....

Muslim

Al Kyadah, gunna be after me.

......... ............

NO not after you ...........in fact we'd spotted your "typo" before you even notice

muslin or not, she was clever enough to fool Adam though

But the dress code of Adam looks like he wasn't muslin at all

Guess he was, muslin is a material widely used to strain peas and other small spherical objects.

LOL, my typo.....

Muslim

Al Kyadah, gunna be after me.

......... ............

NO not after you ...........in fact we'd spotted your "typo" before you even notice

This much is at least true!

STOP PRESS:

Austrian schoolgirls diary found in middle of Chinese earthquake zone !!

Zou Xzing, the chief rescue worker for the area, when asked how he knew the diary belonged to an Austrian schoolgirl replied..........

" Easy, just look at the entries....Monday....Stayed in. Tuesday........Stayed in. Wednesday..............Stayed in. Friday......Stayed in..............................

STOP PRESS:

Austrian schoolgirls diary found in middle of Chinese earthquake zone !!

Zou Xzing, the chief rescue worker for the area, when asked how he knew the diary belonged to an Austrian schoolgirl replied..........

" Easy, just look at the entries....Monday....Stayed in. Tuesday........Stayed in. Wednesday..............Stayed in. Friday......Stayed in..............................

What happened to Thursday's entry? Was it deleted? Censored? Stayed in so long on Wednesday it was Friday before she finished?

Enquiring minds want to know

CB

She planned to pop out on Thursday for a " bargain basement sale", but got tied up with family matters at the last moment. So she.............................Stayed in.

STOP PRESS:

Austrian schoolgirls diary found in middle of Chinese earthquake zone !!

Zou Xzing, the chief rescue worker for the area, when asked how he knew the diary belonged to an Austrian schoolgirl replied..........

" Easy, just look at the entries....Monday....Stayed in. Tuesday........Stayed in. Wednesday..............Stayed in. Friday......Stayed in..............................

Sounds like guy, to me, using CIALIS or VIAGRA, popped out for more on Thursday.........PMPL

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a Little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?' Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Little Johnnie," he responds. "And what is your question, Little Johnnie?" "Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what the <deleted>> happened to Stanley?"

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a Little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?' Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Little Johnnie," he responds. "And what is your question, Little Johnnie?" "Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what the <deleted>> happened to Stanley?"

NZHerald today. 27th May

Unintentionally amusing metaphors written by high school English students:

* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

* McMurphy fell 12 storeys, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

Love it!!!

Special message for britmaveric:

GREAT NEWS !!!!!!!!!!!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her...

but thought it would be a cheap night

out for you.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up all those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?'

.......So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big dick, didn't it?'

A very clever English college major must have written this !

Kan Win

Real notes sent to British Milkmen collected by Express Dairies * Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

* Cancel one pint after the day after today.

* Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

* Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

* Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

* When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

* Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

* Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

* From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

* Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

* When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

* No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

Yes Pete,

You are just milking it.

Well done

Kan Win

Dunno where I nfound this, was good so copied it.

TWO QUOTES, ONE PITIFUL, ONE GOOD

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world.

I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'

-- Barrack Obama

''Life's tough.....it's even tougher if you're stupid.''

-- John Wayne

Gawd help America....... sheeeeeeesh

As you know, many Call Centers have been outsourced to India. So when you have a problem with your computer and call for technical assitance, an expert (somewhere in India) is likely to offer assistance.

So, must be a pretty hi-tech, advanced kind of place, right ? Here are a couple of pics of the way some things are done in India:

Just gives me a warm, cozy feeling all over !

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:

The Short Story had to contain the following 3 things:

1) Religion

2) Sexuality

3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

"Oh God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?"

Good un!

Will I live to be 80?

I recently turned 60 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare coverage.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'

He asked: 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'

'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rump steaks and sausages?'

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things'.

He looked at me and said,

'Then why do you give a shit?'