I'm with Billy on this 1......

HAPPY ALMOST WEEKEND EVERYBODY!

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion facking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullshite.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

Fack 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't facking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

PS Send me 15 bucks and then fack off.

Kan Win

A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, 'I would

like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.'

The man behind the counter says, 'The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but

all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:

we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take

one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works,

your round of golf is on me today.'

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, 'I

think my driver will do the job.'

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, 'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A

driver is far too much club for this hole.'

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the

ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on

the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his

assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, 'I think this green is gonna

break left to right.'

The robot then again spoke up and said, 'No sir. I do believe this green

will break right to left'

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided

again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole

thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever

played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, 'How was

your game ?' The golfer stated, 'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever

played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.

See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, 'I would

like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.'

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, 'Well the

18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too

many complaints.'

Confused, the golfer cried, 'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained

about those robots? They were incredible'.

The man sighed and said, 'Well, it wasn't their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off

them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. '

The golfer said, 'So then why didn't you just paint them black?'

The man nodded sadly and replied, 'We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up

for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the

other is running for President.'

(Good thing this is "Short Ones - Warning: not PC" !)

Jai Dee bought a nice house in Sattahip some time ago.

He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road,

and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd

planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening Jai Dee decided to go down to the pond to look it

over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon

bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting

and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young Thai women

had parked their motos at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were

skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence

and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him in Thai, 'We're naked and we're not coming out

until you leave!' Jai Dee frowned and yelled back in perfect Thai, 'I didn't come

down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the

pond.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

(Jai Dee Can Still Think Fast!!!)

Written by my good friend and dearly departed, long ago “Scot Lansdown”. R.I.P

He would have loved to have you all read these two little ones from him. Enjoy and please feel free to “Laugh Out Load” = LOL, like I have done so many times before.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By Scot Lansdown

THE TOP TEN SITUATIONS THAT REALLY SCARE FARANG MEN IN THAILAND.

10. Flying back home for good only to realize you just flew away for home.

9. The impending visit of your Issan mother-in-law who has 2001 recipes all based in fermented fish.

8. Being awoken by the sound of a knife being sharpened and the quacking of an unfamiliar duck, after one too many ‘late nights at the office’.

7. Returning home to find that the last precious nips of your 24 year old Highland Malt have been poured into the Sang Thip as a space saving measure.

6. Discovering her new Italian phrase book under one of her 68 T-shirts and see the word rigid underlined while you just happen to be from Goteborg, Sweden.

5. Standing on the corner of Soi Cowboy being kissed by a bikini girl as the parents of your most lucrative student pull up before you in their Benz stuck in a jam.

4. Having a gay boss suddenly take a real shine to you and invite you over for a cozy dinner at his place the night before a major company downsizing.

3. Your wife’s sudden attack off selflessness has she hands that gorgeous million Baht dowry for your step daughter’s hand in marriage straight over to the whiskey-eyed dope of a son-in-law.

2. Seeing stubble on the chin of your bride the morning after the wedding.

And the best for the Last…………………..

1. Accidentally scoring "a hole in one" during a negotiating golf game thus beating the CEO of the company your boss desperately needs to do business with.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And by Scot Lansdown

THE GREAT EXCUSE FOR MEN IN THAILAND FOR COMING HOME LATE

The barrel of a cement mixer truck fell off the truck and everybody in the taxi, including me, were crushed to death.

A katoey beat me up for going outside and buying him a bottle of Pepsi.

There was a fire in the hotel and all the emergency exits were locked.

I walked under an elephant for good luck, but she picked me up and savagely threw me straight into another bar. My wallet bought me a beer to calm my nerves.

There was a flood.

I was trying to find your favourite durian.

The taxi driver misheard me and took me to Muang Thong Thani instead of Yannawa by mistake.

Look! I bought you a 7-11 hot dog and a slurpy!

Here’s 5,000 Baht. Please don’t cut me up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kan Win

Dunno why, but this one always cracks me up.......PMPL

2. Seeing stubble on the chin of your bride the morning after the wedding.

Dunno why, but this one always cracks me up.......PMPL

2. Seeing stubble on the chin of your bride the morning after the wedding.

Kind of like rooting for a contestant in Miss Tiffany contest and then realising you may have actually rooted "her"

CB

Dunno why, but this one always cracks me up.......PMPL

2. Seeing stubble on the chin of your bride the morning after the wedding.

Kind of like rooting for a contestant in Miss Tiffany contest and then realising you may have actually rooted "her"

CB

Take your word for that CB.

Your experience has made me aware..... ......... .........

Recently I was asked to run in a charity marathon.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought.........

<deleted>...I could win this.......!

Its that time of the year

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it

myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's

important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail

list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks

due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance

around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only

want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

I feel so stupid.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins..

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day! And, 'woo woo' !!!

Brilliant!

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said Jai Dee. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said buckwheat. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said mobi, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked Jai Dee.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flatrock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' queried buckwheat.

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, Jai Dee said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

With a sad look on his face, mobi replied 'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, I took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Lek's Place,'

and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his

shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the service-girl brought our water and utensils.

I observed that she also had a spoon in her shirt pocket. Then I looked around

and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Farang Consulting to

revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded

that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop

frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are

better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save

15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, daleyboy dropped his spoon and the waiter replaced it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra

trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

daleyboy was spooning down his soup like a starving man.

Looking around, I saw that all of the male staff had the same string hanging from

their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you

tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.

That same consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in

the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it

out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the

time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Most of the people you see in lingerie shops,

are people you would not want to see in lingerie

A scouser is walking down Ainsdale beach (it's a genie joke, I'll get that out of the way first) of course he kicks over a bottle and after a brief puff of smoke the muscle bound apparition with the curly toed slippers is standing in front of him.

The genie grants him three wishes, but with a warning, every wish he makes, every single Manchester United fan in the entire world gets double.

First he asks for a Ferrari.

Genies says that he has one now on his driveway at home, and all Man U fans have two.

Next he asks for a million pounds, and the genie tells him that his bank account has been increased by that amount, and now all the Man U fans have at least two million in addition to what they had before, then the genie enquires what the third wish will be......

"I'd like to donate a kidney"

Why Quarterbacks should have short names:

Why Quarterbacks should have short names:

Yeah

Oh yeah

Yeah baby

Argggggggggggggghhh No NO NOOOOOOOOOOO!

CB

THE TOP TEN SITUATIONS THAT REALLY SCARE amuse FARANG MEN IN THAILAND.

Being introduced to your friend's new girlfriend while trying to keep a straight face, as she is already known to you.

THE TOP TEN SITUATIONS THAT REALLY SCARE amuse FARANG MEN IN THAILAND.

Being introduced to your friend's new girlfriend while trying to keep a straight face, as she is already known to you.

THAT is soooo funny.

I went back last year to my reg watering hole.

Another guy, an expat I knew from previous visits told me about his new g/f, how great she is etc etc...

Then she turned up, looked at me with fingers over her lips, shaking her head.

I played along as I did not wanna spoil the guys fantasies.

She was my Thai "gal guide" from 2 previous visits.

Keeping a straight face, I was almost pzzzzzn meself.

He rambled on about all her "virtues"......hehe.

A few days later she was knocking on my door.

We had a great day and laffs.

I feel, some guys are sooo naive.

True Story

Lad who is sadly no longer with us, goes to the Flipper-pines for the first time. Meets the girl of is dreams on the bus into town. Tells us all about her for weeks. Clean living University student, blah blah blah.

Come the day of the dear old RHKP North and East versus South and West rugby match, afore mentioned lad ( great winger ) is missing. Turns out gone that week to fetch the girl of his dreams, marry her and be happy ever after.

Half time in the game, we look up and walking across the field is the happy couple, all set for introductions and hearty pats on back etc etc.

Sadly bubble bursts, when a fair majority of the players on both sides know the girls name, and secret profession, which apparently she was very good at.

Silly sod married her anyway. She took all his money and moved in with another girl from the oldest profession as not only was the University part porkies, but she also really liked women a lot more than men.

Moral of the story ? If you're a winger always turn up for the game; as it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run

True Story

Lad who is sadly no longer with us, goes to the Flipper-pines for the first time. Meets the girl of is dreams on the bus into town. Tells us all about her for weeks. Clean living University student, blah blah blah.

Come the day of the dear old RHKP North and East versus South and West rugby match, afore mentioned lad ( great winger ) is missing. Turns out gone that week to fetch the girl of his dreams, marry her and be happy ever after.

Half time in the game, we look up and walking across the field is the happy couple, all set for introductions and hearty pats on back etc etc.

Sadly bubble bursts, when a fair majority of the players on both sides know the girls name, and secret profession, which apparently she was very good at.

Silly sod married her anyway. She took all his money and moved in with another girl from the oldest profession as not only was the University part porkies, but she also really liked women a lot more than men.

Moral of the story ? If you're a winger always turn up for the game; as it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run

Another RHKP true story

Hong Kong Hash goes to Macau for a mucky weekend.

Photos taken.

District Commissioner (who had thoroughly enjoyed the trip) finds that someone has sent said photos to his wife.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Moral - never trust your mates, especially if they're hashers.

Released From Jail As Punishment??

Four Amish men, who had been jailed for vandalizing a neighbor's

farm in Buchanan County, Indiana, were released early from jail

amid fears that they were being spoiled by modern conveniences

while in the jail.

"I thought we better get them out of here

because they were getting too used to it," said the jail

administrator.

"I think we were ruining them here."

He believes the inmates were starting to like things like TVs, electric

lights, telephones, and running water.

,

,

,

,

All those things are not permitted in Amish life styles.

Interesting font size pete!

Interesting font size pete!

You shudda seen when 1st posted, pasted 6, I tried to make it smaller, 2.

Didn't work. work.

Worked in edit.

Normal in my puta.

Guess you saw it before edit.........PMPL

British Weather

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury, and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as "British Weather", but rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred as "Muslim Weather"

In other words, "partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

British Weather

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury, and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as "British Weather", but rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred as "Muslim Weather"

In other words, "partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

don't piss off the Sunnies by saying they are "partly" ; they would cut off your "head" if you will

British Weather

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury, and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as "British Weather", but rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred as "Muslim Weather"

In other words, "partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

Very, very funny!

[quote]British Weather

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury, and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate should no longer be referred to as "British Weather", but rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it should be referred as "Muslim Weather"

In other words, "partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

Hmmmmmmm, so PC.

Perfectly Correct............LOL

Ahm shure feeling sorry for dem folks in dat soory country.

Ah hopes Mr Obama knows wots good for all dem sad ppl who votes fer him.

Marine Corps Dog!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house:

Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears

and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees

a nice looking Beagle sitting there. 'Do you really talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of

hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I told them and they had me sworn into the toughest branch

of the armed services...the United States Marines.

You know, one of their knicknames is "The Devil Dogs"

'Well, in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and

world leaders--because no one figured a dog would be eaves-dropping. I was one of their most valuable

spies for 8 years running. But all that jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger,

so I decided to settle down.'

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years, you know) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some

undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings

and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the

owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bull-shitter ! He never did any of that Marine shit.

He was in the NAVY !