A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,

and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, four girls and two grandchildren and

he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back

to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

some of these jokes are great!, should be moved into the jokes Forum, as alot of the jokes in there a terrible!

And while the jury is still out on who are the biggest sheep-shaggers, here is some proof that it's not only sheep that should be nervous down under:

(should read: "No butt sex with small children")

(I didn't write it !)

Not sure it means you can't do it, rather for the sake of safety, you should put your skis down first.

some of these jokes are great!, should be moved into the jokes Forum, as alot of the jokes in there a terrible!

Aye your're not wrong there, however that's why we're in here.

And while the jury is still out on who are the biggest sheep-shaggers, here is some proof that it's not only sheep that should be nervous down under:

(should read: "No butt sex with small children")

(I didn't write it !)

Not sure it means you can't do it, rather for the sake of safety, you should put your skis down first.

OoooooooOOOOOOH!!!!!

Special one for the Aussies here...

I bought a racehorse today.

I've decided to call him "MY FACE".

I don't give a shit if he never wins a race or makes me any money.

I just wanna hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington calling out………………

"Come On My Face……………”

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels??

(Now that's scary!)

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead............

Driver Safety 'I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making

gestures.'........

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: '<deleted> the Indians.'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh!t, we're f*cked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, ‘I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Oh dear...

I think it's time to change the tone, wouldn't you agree O Great White Tiger ?

Anyway here goes.

Quasimodo, busily ringing huge bell on top of tower, is suddenly confronted

by a strong gust of wind. Quasimodo loses his footing , gets smacked in the

face by the bell, and plummets to the courtyard and lands face-up, dead.

Louis XIV, walking along courtyard with his guards, looks down at the

crumpled heap and says: "Does anyone know this man? One guard replies:

"I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell!"

Yeah Yeah I know my hat's on the hat stand and I know the way.

'

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world

go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some

recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

One evening a certain farang (who shall remain nameless) thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the farang took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the hel_l is this??' he said to himself as a little cloud of dust appeared when he shook them out.

'Lek,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put baby powder in my underwear?'

Lek replied ...'Not talcum powder......Miracle Grow Fertilizer' !

President Bush decides to take a break and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

Then the guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

Stop clapping - Fab!

Now not PC OK

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On the wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

That's bad, funny, but bad, and unnervingly too close for comfort.

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes

to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says: 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies: 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies: 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin: 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies: 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this: 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

(Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.)

This just in. The British Government has made an annoucement to all British citizens:

(I would have said US government, but someone would have accused me of US bashing, again)

'

"William Tell and his wife were avid bowlers,

but historical records have been lost and, therefore,

we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled."

Hardly 'non-pc' Ken!

Wedding ring.

A man went to the hospital in Gympie, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR....

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Three chaps (who were in Thailand because they love the beaches) were sitting in a

bar on Walking Street watching some of the other "attractions" Thailand has to offer.

'As good as this is,' said the Englishman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.In London, there's a little place called The Cock

and Crow. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.

'Well, Alister,' said the Canadian, 'At my local bar in Calgary, the Rodeo Taven, the barman will buy you your third drink

after you buy the first two !'

'Ahhh, that's nuthin' mate,' said the Aussie. 'Back in Darwin, there's the Wallabee Inn and Bar. The moment you

set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had

enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!'

The Englishman and Canadian immediately shout down the Aussie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

'Well,' said the Englishman, still suspicious. 'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not myself, personally, no,' admitted the Aussie. 'But it did happen to my sister quite a few times.'

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT YOU!

If you have sex with a prostitute and don't pay, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

(Why did you just try singing the two songs above?)

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Ok, let's have a go at this, I've had a bit of a crap day and this will while away a few minute.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT YOU!

If you have sex with a prostitute and don't pay, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

A. neither, that's a free lunch and quite rare.

Can you cry under water?

A. Yes of course you can, but it will not have any noticeable effect on the level of the sea, so may not be well documented by many funded scientists.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead of just murdered?

A. Just above Lennon.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

A. Giving advice always ends up costing more than receiving it.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

A. Not if you shop at "Saint Petes Store"

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

A. Because it's bloody difficult to make a round box, duh, ask a form maker.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

A. Stoopid bloody question, anyone with even the basic grasp of English will know that many words in English can be spelt the same but mean completely different things ..... example 'his invalid card was invalid' ...... bet you read that right the first time.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

A. Primarily because, prior to the moon landings, nobody travelled further than the distance they could drive, most American still don't, but they were invented as a labour saving device (notice the use of the letter 'u') just in case.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

A. Seriously, when babies sleep, they sleep.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

A. Assuming the judge isn't also deaf, then, yes.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

A. It's just one of those English language things again, forget the explanation, just go with the flow.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

A. Fun?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

A. To have a cigarette.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

A. Here we go again.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

A. An inordinate amount of non-decent human beings do exist.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

A. PRS cheques

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

A. Don't see why not, still has a passenger.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

A. Coconut wrong size.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

A. Homo Doggy, Canine Doggy ... it's not that hard to fathom.... and it's a cartoon <deleted>.

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

A. From where? I don't remember ever seeing any restaurants or fast food joints in this cartoon..... plus it's a cartoon <deleted>.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

A. We really need to go back to school and study the English language again don't we.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

A. See above

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

(Why did you just try singing the two songs above?)

A. God no, one of them I don't know, can I hazard a guess that it may be something about soup or spaghetti ...... opticians (oops, sorry, optometrists) have letters on the wall, and it usually spell the name of a chap from Poland.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

A. ya dee ya dee yada ...... and when you get them from sitting on a block of ice, they are called polaroids. work that one out.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

A. So you have never done that yourself then, I have, sticking your head out of the window of a moving car is a pleasant experience, wind blowing through your hair (if you have any) nothing wrong with it, being blown in the face (especially with a dogs sense of smell) may not be quite so nice.

Lame humour, the scourge of he internet.

Apologies KD, my use of the word you was intended for the creator of the original text and not your good self.

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real tits

and the men didn't hold hands.

Important Notice For Men's Health !

Remember, you have to stare at them for at least 10 minutes a day !

(no wonder I'm in such great shape !)

Selfless me. Just doing my part to help keep my fellow (male) TV members alive longer !

No need to thank me, or recommend me for any awards (though free drinks and cash donations are always welcome !)

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie Rancher were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie Rancher fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Aussie Rancher said, 'Why the <deleted> can't they play at night?'