Ugh!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

''Should I tell her the war is over?''

some minor german knowledge for this one (german wordplay)...

What does a german say to a jew?

"Wie Gassed?"

A gay guy dies and his long term partner arranges for the body to be taken to the mortuary. He visits the mortuary to discuss the disposal of the body and the undertaker asks if he would like the body cremated or buried. The surviving gay partner ponders this for a while and asks if it is possible to chop the body in small cubes. The undertaker is somewhat surprised by this request and asks the reason why. The gay guy says I want to turn him into an Indian curry banquet. The undertaker now shocked says "you want to eat him? For God's sake why? The gay sighs and says "I want to turn him into a big vindaloo just so that the next morning I can feel him slide out my arse one more time"

CB

Brave Men Jokes

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box. She opened it and found a set of new bathroom scales !

Yours turly

Kan Win

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Yours truly

Kan Win

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

Yours truly

Kan Win

I now await some "Boobycons"

One for starters..... ( .) (. )

(ain't going to quote the whole thing)

One for starters..... ( .) (. )

That's more like clarencethecrosseyedlionicons.

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fcuks off.

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'Get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fcuker'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, '<deleted> off it'll be too painful''

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is.

I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not <deleted> listening'

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for <deleted>>'s sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

................................................................................

.................

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not <deleted> listening'

................................................................................

..............

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

................................................................................

..................

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f--ks off.

................................................................................

...................

Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

................................................................................

.......................

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to

panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

................................................................................

.........................

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

................................................................................

........................

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f---ker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, '<deleted>> off it'll be too painful',

................................................................................

.........................

You WERE warned!!!!!!!

Love it., made me smile during a stressful day!

but please PC brigade, keep the comments to yourself !

A great reminder of times when jokes were funny.

Today an Farang was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Pattaya police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

Today an Farang was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Pattaya police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

A Few Quickies

But do not read if your narrow minded

That's OK - my narrow didn't mind a bit

Cheers, should be more like those.

Maybe a NON P.C. fred, then if yer a P.C. ewannabe, stay out.

Good decent clean and funny.

I am sure you have some good jokes to add into the thread Zpete

Cheers, should be more like those.

Maybe a NON P.C. fred, then if yer a P.C. ewannabe, stay out.

Good decent clean and funny.

FYI we already have such a thread and I have merged these jokes into it.

CB

Thanks CB.

Thanks CB.

No worries mate - I suspect you and JaiDee are on the same eMail distribution list.

I had to modify the one re the suicide of the Aborigine in the open jokes forum - racist. Here it can stay as is.

CB

Thanks CB.

No worries mate - I suspect you and JaiDee are on the same eMail distribution list.

It does look like that hey?

Ah well.... so long as we get to share them with the rest of you appreciative reprobates.

Irishman goes to the docs and says " I want to lose weight sor !! "

"No problem" says the Doc, " eat fish and rice one day, skip the next, eat fish and rice the following, skip the next and so on for a week. You'll lose at least 5lbs "

Next week Paddy's back, looking awful after dropping 4 stone. " Jeeez doc, you nearly killed me "................." Was it the hunger ? "......... replied the worried Doc

" No it was all that fuc_king skipping "

Farmer in Essex makes the headlines by being the first man to cultivate a field full of Dildos.

It's reported he's having awful trouble from squatters.

Now this one's naughty.......but here goes.

The Black and Asian community in the UK have complained to the BBC that they are not getting enough representation on the telly.

A spokesperson for the beeb said.." No worries we'll put "Crimewatch" on twice a week "

Paddy and Shamus decide to have a wife swapping, swingers party.

" That's the best sex I've ever had Paddy "

" To be sure it was. I wonder how the women got on ? "

And finally, If this doesn't offend some........ well

Latest craze from the UK is to drink Vodka neat from a lady"s Vagina, using a straw !!!!

However, doctors are warning against the dangers of minge drinking !!!

Tiggs I'm soooooooooo sorry.

Mother's Day is for mothers, Father's Day is for Fathers, Valentines Day is for lovers, and that leaves the wanke_rs.................Palm Sunday.