"Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

Gardner in the White House was sadly sacked today. He asked when his new spade would arrive.......................

Now that really did make me laugh out loud!

What do fat people do in the summer???

Stink !

suegha was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent 20 years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

suegha is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

suegha was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. sueghat is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

suegha goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Oh what joy, I'm mentioned in a joke - and I really like it!

Blondes

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!'

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says 'I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde.''

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

'I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal .'

The White House Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'

The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The New York contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!

Alert for ThaiVisa member

britmaveric

!

Pattaya police today found an unidentified farang man's body in a nearby park.

They describe him as having a beer belly, saggy balls, wrinkly ass and a small dick.

I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English.

She is now an unmarried single mother with three kids from different fathers, one of them black.

Job done then…

In The 1500's

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Yours truly

Kan Win

Really enjoyed that..............

Don't leave your computer unattended

Click here

That's fantastic LK, really fab!

Taliban Accuse Canada of Not Playing Fair In Afghanistan War !

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving

down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One

Canadian soldier is better than ten Taliban !"

The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over

the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,

followed by silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Canadian is better than one

hundred Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops

over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of

battle, again silence.

The Canadian voice calls out again: "One Canadian is better than

one thousand Taliban!"

The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends

them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades,

rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought. Then. . . . . . . silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over

the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more

men......it's a trap. There are TWO of them."

(No, I wasn't one of the two sneaky buggers)

THE KNOB

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure

called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head

and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of

a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects

were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All

these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many

times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying

problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee......."

Be careful what you wish for.

Thgen of course for KerryD there's the story of the Canadian airline pilot who lost his marbles over the Atlantic and had to spend a week in a Paddy Cell.

What would you do ?

Subject: The Right Answer .....

You are driving down the road in your BMW on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your BMW? Think before you continue reading.

(This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.)

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.......

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

(Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.)

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER.......

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

OH! I JUST LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS !!!

Ahh yes, another fine example of the difference between men and women.

His And Hers Diaries.....

HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but

he made no comment on it. Conversation was not flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet

so we could talk. He agreed, but he did not say much.

I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he was not upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I cannot explain

his behavior. I do not know why he did not say, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had

lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence

all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded

to my caress, and we made love. However, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were not on me.

He fell asleep - I cried. I do not know what to do.

I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Went hunting today.

Missed a big deer, but at least I got laid.

The ThaiVisa BAR

Four distinguished looking expats are walking down soi 6 one Friday night.

Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "ThaiVisa Bar" over

the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up.

They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they

could judge the book by its cover.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,

"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In

short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred

and says, "That'll be 40 baht for the round, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 baht, finish their martinis and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender

again saying, "That's 40 more baht, please." They pay the 40 baht but

their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis

and so far they've spent less than a hundred baht.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis

as good as these for 10 baht a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here.

And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that

stuff. But, here's my story.

I'm a retired Expat from the west and a long time TV member. I always wanted to own a bar.

Last year, I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place for

TV members. Every drink costs 10 baht, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them

sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys

at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and

hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end

of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are Moderators.

The cheap SOBs are waiting for Happy Hour."

Excellent!

:D

sanigger.

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife !

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE hel_l!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE hel_l!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human

body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be

asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,

and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part

increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open.

Then she said to those around her, 'Boy is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part

that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy.'

Then she turned to Mary and continued...

And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say...

One... you have a dirty mind.

Two... you didn't read your homework.

And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds: 'It's really cool.

If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

Top Ten Country & Western Songs For Expats in Thailand:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. Never Gone To Bed With a Bar Girl (But I Woke Up With a Few)

8. If The Phone Rings ... You'll Know It's Not Me

7. I've Missed You ... But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Kwai Race 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Teerak Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. Lek Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And The Number One Country & Western Song For ExPats in Thailand Is ...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day

An old grandad of 95 went to a brothel,

when he went in the room the girl lay already naked on the bed, he opened the window and trowed all his close out of the window.

The girl on the bed asked him,

he grandad why you do like that.

he answered

oh baby at the time I have an orgasm the fashion changed already.

Ralph had a deaf brother - that he wanted to get help for - so he could learn to speak and spell.

Ralph took his brother to a specialist, and said, "my brother's deaf. No one has been able to help him learn to speak, so I was hoping maybe you could."

The specialist said, "sure, but first we'll start with him learning the alphabet."

Ralph said fine.

The specialist had the deaf man pull down his pants and lean over an examining table, on his belly, facing the window.

the specialist got a broom handle, smeared it with vaseline, and quickly rammed it up the deaf guy's rectum.

The deaf guy screamed "aaaaaaeeeeyyyy!!!"

The specialist said, "that's good. Tomorrow we'll start on B."

Who is this guy "Cliff Edge?"

Signs all around saying, "Stay away from Cliff Edge."

Wot's he have, leprosy?