I was working late last night when I received this text from my wife:

'Darling,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.

Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...

What the hel_l does 'ternative' mean?

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate the lot.

Two lessons here:

1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2.Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been

able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd

each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal

drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a

boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and

nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross

the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you fuc_k-wit and you were born in December,.............."

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET TWO BLONDE GENIES !!!

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits..

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead..

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

</SPAN>

Questions you just can't answer

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder.....

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze

these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? :jap:

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".

She replies, "My son you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure there is nothing you could say or ask that would be offensive".

Well I always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me he says.

She responds,

Well let's see what we can do about that.

1 you have to be single and 2 you have to be Catholic.

The cab driver is very excited and says, yes I'm single and Catholic.

Ok the Nun says, pull into the next alley.

The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child says the Nun, why are you crying?

Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.

The Nun says, that's ok.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.!

Liberal or Labor?

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be

when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents, Labor voters, were standing there,

so I asked her, 'If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal,' I told her, 'But you don't have to

wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house

and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.

Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy

hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me

straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over

and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Liberal Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall

bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over,

and they retired to their room,

she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes,

my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales

attacked her right shoe with vigour,

but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back.

"I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released,

Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,

"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door,

the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,

he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy:

once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

** A Christian opens a tub of margarine and finds an image of Jesus.

He shows it to his Indian mate, whom said.......I can't believe

its not Buddah

** Walked past a field yesterday and seen a muslim shagging a sheep.

I questioned him why he was doing it, he told me to go away, it

was islam and he'd do what he wanted with it.

** What do you call a paki that has survived the floods ?

Mustafa Dinghy

** Coming soon to your TV :

As a result of the growing number of foreigners comiong to the

UK, we now have "Tthe Immigrant Channel".

New shows include :

Andy Ghandi

Currynation street

Ahmed-dale

Bollyoaks

Pakorama

Middle East enders

Taliban

Youv'e been bombed

Big Buddah

Postman Patel

I'm an immigrant, get me into here.

Brown Peter

Cooniversity Challenge

Name that Coon

And for our Iraeli friends........Scooby Jew

** All flights out of UK air space are cancelled, due to the danger

of planes crashing,

with the exception of Air Pakistan, who should check in as normal.

** I've just put a deposit down on a new Porche & mentioned it on Facebook.

I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 muslims have

added me as a friend

BT Have a good day....

Beer makes things better... explained.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

1.The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood area say that the smell of bodies is unbearable.

They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.

2. A charity single has been released in aid of the Pakistan

Flood Relief. It's called, "Raindrops Keep Falling On Ahmed."

3.There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines

Plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board.

Both families are devastated.

5. Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state

After he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland,

Following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

7. Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy

Said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I

Pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it

Hurts you stop immediately and, second, ...

We don't go down past my mother's house!"

8. My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's

Daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I

Hope you used something though?"

He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"

9. I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok

Recently, to get my testicles checked out.

While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."

I said, "I haven't got an erection!"

She replied, "No, but I have!"

12. A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to

Him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,

"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat

it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind

Up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

13. French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!

Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!

Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!

Scottish foreplay: "Haw, ye awake?"

16. I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today.

I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy bastaads!

17.Why do Cadbury's make white chocolate buttons?

So that black kids can have messy faces as well!

I took out the PC ones to shorten post.

hel_l EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a

University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The

answer by one student was so "profound" that the

professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,

which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of

enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is hel_l exothermic (gives off heat) or

endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs

using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats

when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of hel_l is

changing in time.

So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving

into hel_l and t he rate at which they are leaving. I

think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets

to hel_l, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are

leaving.

As for how many souls are entering hel_l, let's look at

the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a

member of their religion, you will go to hel_l. Since

there is more than one of these religions and since

people do not belong to more than one religion, we can

project that all souls go to hel_l.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect

the number of souls in hel_l to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in

hel_l because Boyle's Law states that in order for the

temperature and pressure in hel_l to stay the same, the

volume of hel_l has to expand proportionately as souls

are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If hel_l is expanding at a slower rate than the rate

at which souls enter hel_l, then the temperature and

pressure in hel_l will increase until all hel_l breaks

loose.

2. If hel_l is expanding at a rate faster than the

increase of souls in hel_l, then the temperature and

pressure will drop until hel_l freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa

during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day

in hel_l before I sleep with you, and take into account

the fact that I slept with her last night, then number

two must be true, and thus I am sure that hel_l is

exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since hel_l has

frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any

more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only

Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being

which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting

"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

I don't think i understand New Zealand humour.

I don't think i understand New Zealand humour.

Bang your head with a blunt object for a week and learn to talk with a lisp and you'll be fine..........

I don't think i understand New Zealand humour.

Bang your head with a blunt object for a week and learn to talk with a lisp and you'll be fine..........

One needs a modicum of intelligence to enjoy any humour.

Geeeeez Patsy

I don't think i understand New Zealand humour.

A 15 year old boy comes home one day and says to his dad, "Dad, can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure Son, what's on your mind?"

"Well, I had sex for the first time today", says the boy.

"Wow, I think you are too young, but, what's done is done, and I must say I am a little bit proud of you becoming a man.....so how was it"

"Well, I didn't like it and my arse still hurts."

Patrick walks into a

bar in Dublin ,

Orders three pints of

Guinness

& sits in the

corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of

each pint in turn. When he had finished all three,

He went back to the

bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,

"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

............................... Your pint would taste better if you bought one

at a time."

Patrick

replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ;

& de odder in Australia ;

& here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home,

we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank

togedder."

The barman admits that

this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a

regular customer,

& always

drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out

of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes

in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars

in the bar notice!

& fall silent.

When he goes back to

the bar for the second round,

The barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused

for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he

says,

"Bejesus,

everyone is fine!

Tis me

........................ I've Quit Drinking!"

BT

This is pretty dam_n amazing. Mine turned out to be "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

BT

This is pretty dam_n amazing. Mine turned out to be "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

BT

So you picked 4.666666666666666666 ??

Most people would pick a whole number and wind up with #9. Which was a very popular movie in Libya.

(dam_n - can't find the pic!)

Aussie Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling

You're a bloody top notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought u was as good as I

Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on

And fetch another beer!

(Who said Aussies aren’t romantic?!)

This is pretty dam_n amazing. Mine turned out to be "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

BT

dam_n! - I got No. 9.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

Subject: history...

Historical 'Fact'...........

In 1872 the Aussies invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

dam_n! - I got No. 9.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

Everybody should get 9. It seems as though maths is not Big Toe's strong point.

OKAY Moon sorry I was too subtle for you !!!!! :jap:

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

With his secretary.

One day they went to her place

And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

And told his lover to take his shoes

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home..

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

Be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

About to be cremated,

And made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

Stuffed it into his briefcase,

And took it home.

'I have something to show

You won't believe,' he said to his wife,

Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

When she heard her husband

Opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

Then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

As he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

Went to the kitchen and returned

With a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

And nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

With your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

To his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

Her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land mines that look like prayer mats.

Business is booming.

Prophets are going through the roof

Subject: history...

Historical 'Fact'...........

In 1872 the Aussies invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

No, no, no.... You guys have it all WRONG! The Australians invented the condom using sheep's intestines, the English perfected it by removing the sheep...Whilst the clever and careful Scot's filled it full of offal, called it haggis, AND ATE THE FUxxING THING!!!!

Subject: history...

Historical 'Fact'...........

In 1872 the Aussies invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

No, no, no.... You guys have it all WRONG! The Australians invented the condom using sheep's intestines, the English perfected it by removing the sheep...Whilst the clever and careful Scot's filled it full of offal, called it haggis, AND ATE THE FUxxING THING!!!!

I have to admit that haggis IS offal... but I though it was spelt.. ""awful"

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him and, on the first green, when the man holes out a twenty-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" asks the friend, "that's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him."

Subject: history...

Historical 'Fact'...........

In 1872 the Aussies invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

No, no, no.... You guys have it all WRONG! The Australians invented the condom using sheep's intestines, the English perfected it by removing the sheep...Whilst the clever and careful Scot's filled it full of offal, called it haggis, AND ATE THE FUxxING THING!!!!

I have to admit that haggis IS offal... but I though it was spelt.. ""awful"[/size]

Do you mean "THOUGHT" !!!!!!!!! :jap:

Tax collector

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster

purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"