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Short Ones...

Featured Replies

PARENT - Job Description

If it had been presented this way,

I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work

variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in

far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £20.00 or more.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 kmph in three seconds flat

in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets

and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,

constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that passing exams will help them

become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and

no stock options are offered;

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything

they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...

or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

Maybe send it to your kids as well.

One day it will be their turn ,, at least give them a chance to decide.

** AND A FOOTNOTE 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED............... Have a nice Life !!!!!!!

bt

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Posted Images

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 72nd birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup...............Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

A Greek and an Italian were relaxing, conversing and sharing a bottle of wine.

As the conversation proceeds, the discussion leans toward which culture was superior

The Greek brimming with pride states:

"We Have The Parthenon!"

The Italian nods in agreement and arching his eyebrows replies:

"We Have The Coliseum!"

The Greek not to be outdone responds:

"We Greeks gave birth to Mathematics!"

The Italian, again nodding in agreement says: "We Built The Roman Empire!"

(The sparring between the two cultures goes on and on…until!)

With an air of finality, The Greek, sits up straight, pulls his shoulders back, puffs his chest out and with a flourish announces:

"We Greeks Invented Sex!"

Without hesitation, the Italian again nodding in agreement answers:

"That Is True!"

"But It Was We Italians Who Introduced It To Women!"

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, till date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

"" So never lie.. but Use your mind

  • Author

My teenage son just told me he shagged the neighbours daughter for the first time last night night.

"Well done son", I said, "I hope you used something for personal protection".

"Yeah dad, a balaclava".

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old

to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 400 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years,......

just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND MY FAVORITE....

"Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,

I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,

"I look just fine."

You could run this over to your friends

But just e-mail it to them

Take note all people who ignore proper English.

Love this, but there will be many who will not unnastand it.

tumblr_l85c4slAyi1qaqwumo1_500.jpg

Take note all people who ignore proper English.

Love this, but there will be many who will not unnastand it.

tumblr_l85c4slAyi1qaqwumo1_500.jpg

I do think uncle Jack needs some form of clinical help either way........

Take note all people who ignore proper English.

Love this, but there will be many who will not unnastand it.

tumblr_l85c4slAyi1qaqwumo1_500.jpg

We had a Loong Suk build our house.

He never had a horse though. :rolleyes:

Regards.

Take note all people who ignore proper English.

Love this, but there will be many who will not unnastand it.

tumblr_l85c4slAyi1qaqwumo1_500.jpg

I do think uncle Jack needs some form of clinical help either way........

I had an uncle Jack. Maybe that is why he chose riding in tanks rather than riding horses. :lol:

5 Pearls of wisdom

1. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's much more comfortable crying in a Porche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemies, but remember the fcuker's name.

3. Help a man in trouble... and he will remember you when he's in trouble again.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk

A policeman is driving around on duty one night and he sees this huge Black man dancing on the roof of a Ford.

he calls for back up to the control room.

Policeman; I need back-up, there is a huge nigger dancing on the roof of a ford.

Control; hey, you can say that, its not Politicaly correct, please use the correct terminoligy!

Policeman; Zulu, Tango, Sierra.

Take note all people who ignore proper English.

Love this, but there will be many who will not unnastand it.

tumblr_l85c4slAyi1qaqwumo1_500.jpg

We had a Loong Suk build our house.

He never had a horse though. :rolleyes:

Regards.

Thankfully, you never had to help your uncle Suk off a horse, then.

  • Popular Post

This might be the best idea yet!!! Promote Tolerance... I am appalled that so many of my friends are against the mosque near Ground Zero.

We should allow it in order to promote tolerance. I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque.

We could call them "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me Hot". Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with pork ribs

and across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret."

And next door, in flashing lights, open an Adult Toy Shop called "Camel Toeys"

This might be the best idea yet!!! Promote Tolerance... I am appalled that so many of my friends are against the mosque near Ground Zero.

We should allow it in order to promote tolerance. I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque.

We could call them "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me Hot". Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with pork ribs

and across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret."

And next door, in flashing lights, open an Adult Toy Shop called "Camel Toeys"

you got a greeny for that one

A guy is about 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on a piece of driftwood, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me ?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you ! ! '

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully,

and placed it in his front breast pocket of his fishing jacket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom. :rolleyes:

BT

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single arsehol_e, blind bastard, dip shit or wanke_r anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

-------- ---------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-not hing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims - Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough??

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

***************************************************

BT :D

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

There is no i in defiance!

Right......like there's two horses in nagging?

Well, it was short, anyway. :)

Regards.

:lol: You owe me a new keyboard Pete.

Regards.

"Huh?"..... me?

My wife died in my arms last night.

I was holding her head under the water.

I've just had a couple of gay guys stop and ask me a load of questions.

Focking queries.

Honesty Game Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

How many soapy tit wanks does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll do it for one.

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly <deleted>."

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