SKY NEWS LATEST: Chilean Border Police have arrested Gary Glitter after he heard that 33 Minors were going to be exposed on live TV

Some old ones I know BUT ----

Gary Glitter announced from his cell today that after he has

served his time he and his family will be jetting off to Florida, USA to start

afresh...

He Said "As soon as I get out, I am going to Tampa with the kids"

Q. What sparkles like a diamond and is small enough to fit in a

schoolgirl's ring?

A. Gary Glitter

Gary Glitter and his girlfriend are in Blockbuster to hire a video

for the evening. Mr. Glitter's girlfriend asks him what he wants to watch.

he says

"How about we get Aladdin ?". His girlfriend says........

"Can't we just get a video, you're in enough trouble already."

Gary Glitter was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides

when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're

sinking!

Everyone abandon ship!"

Gary Glitter asked, "What about the children?"

The captain replied, "fuc_k the children!"

Gary Glitter looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"

What's the difference between greyhound racing and Gary Glitter?

The greyhounds wait for the hare.

What is the worst thing about being Gary Glitter?

You have to go to bed before 7.00

How do you know when it is bedtime at the Glitter residence?

When the big hand touches the small hand

Have you heard about Gary Glitter's New Book?

It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

A young boy and Gary Glitter are out at night, walking towards the

forest.

The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"

Gary Glitter says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of

here on my own!"

Gary Glitter is sitting in his living room surfing the internet on

his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and

his girlfriend storms through.

She screams, "You fuc_king asshol_e!" and she heads into the bedroom.

Stunned, Gary flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom,

wondering, "Now what have I done?"

Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase.

He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist

says that I

should leave you and that you're a paedophile!"

Gary responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."

Have you heard? Gary Glitter has pulled out of Children In Need...

Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release...

'Can we switch the lights off?...'

'Of course honey...'

'Can I have you from behind...?'

'Anything you want my brave boy...'

'OK, can I call you Pedro...?'

......................................................................

At first I thought the sunglasses and counselling being offered to the Chilean miners was a bit OTT.

Can spending months in a deep, dark, smelly hole really leave you blind and with mental problems?

Then I remembered Harvey Price.

....................................................................................................

British rescue operation.

Use stealth tactics to get into the enemy building. Use silenced weapons and gas to disable combatants and avoid detection. Rescue victim quickly and without taking any casualties.

American rescue operation.

Roll up in Hummers, because they are cool. Throw grenades at building until everyone inside is dead, because explosions are fuc_king cool. Drag corpse of person you just 'rescued' out of the rubble and stick American flag in them. High five anyone in your platoon still alive. ..................................................................

Oh shit, my computer uses U.S. English.

I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally

blew it up.

...................................

I bought the wife a new pair of Liverpool FC

knickers from the club shop.

A sound investment, two yanks and they are down.

........................................

I asked my wife to give me a 'Chilean Miner'.

"Is that when I go to the bottom of your

shaft and stay until Christmas?" she asked

I confirmed, but came sooner than expected.

.........................................

I can't believe how ungrateful my wife is. I go to

the trouble of buying her a birthday present and

she just shouts at me because it's not what she

wanted and I haven't even wrapped it myself.

I thought she liked fish and chips.

..........................................

BBC news: 2012 London Olympic Games tickets have

been released, with the coveted men's 100m final

costing up to £725.

fuc_k that. If I want to see a bunch of blacks

run like fuc_k I'll just drive through Hackney with

a piece of fried chicken on a string.

.............................................

Thought from the greatest living Scots Thinker -

Billy Connolly's Statement of the Century:

'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hel_l.

> While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The

> devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

>

> Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is

> finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so

> Putin writes him a check.

>

> Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she

> is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so

> she writes him a check.

>

> Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is

> finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

>

> When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush

> got to call the USA so cheaply.

>

> The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has

> gone to hel_l, so it's a local call."

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks;

"Have you got a pen?"

She looks up and smiled and says;

"Yes"

"Well" he says; "You'd better fark off back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".

Gentleman walking through the foyer of the hotel when he bumps into a lady, knocking her belongings to the floor.

He helps her to collect her things and politely say’s, Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you will forgive me.

She replies, Sir. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 342.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshol_e.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

I got that one in an email the other day, but it had an extra bit....

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshol_e.

Cheap food for the freezer. That's why Mum's go to Iceland.

Cheap young sluts who do anything in bed. That's why Dad's go to Thailand.

Bad day

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

A stark-naked drunken woman

jumped into a vacant cab.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself

and just kept on staring at the woman.

He makes no attempt to start the car.

"What's wrong with you sunshine,

haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady,

I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me matey, what are you doing then?

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she

collapses from a heart attack! 'Help me dear,' she groans

to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few

minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

'I'm dying over here and you're putting?'

'Don't worry dear,' says the husband calmly, 'they found a

doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.'

'Well, how long will it take for him to get here,' she asks

feebly?

'No time at all,' says her husband. 'Everybody's already

agreed to let him play through.'

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nud_e, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.......

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers.

Love dis man.........yeah, rite.............

SCOTTISH LATERAL THINKING

A major international company was wanting to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nud_e. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.

What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England , says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland , says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor." The Scotsman got the job.

Not a joke as such but an actual quotation from our beloved Prince Philip.

"Prince Philip was speaking to groups of award-winners, asking them what they did for their voluntary service," says Robert Bownes, who was there to collect the gold award. "One girl told him that she'd gone to Romania to help in an orphanage.

"He replied: 'Oh, yes, that used to be a very popular thing to do, but you don't hear of that so much any more. There are a lot of orphans in Romania: they must breed them.' "

You just gotta laugh.

Not a joke as such but an actual quotation from our beloved Prince Philip.

"Prince Philip was speaking to groups of award-winners, asking them what they did for their voluntary service," says Robert Bownes, who was there to collect the gold award. "One girl told him that she'd gone to Romania to help in an orphanage.

"He replied: 'Oh, yes, that used to be a very popular thing to do, but you don't hear of that so much any more. There are a lot of orphans in Romania: they must breed them.' "

You just gotta laugh.

Phil the Greek is a national treasure.

The Yooou Essss of Eh has Dubbya, we have Phil

A young Arab asks his father:

"What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"

"It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the

sun!"

"And what is this type of robed clothing that we are wearing?"

" It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects

your body!"

"And what are these ugly shoe type sandals that we have on our feet? "

"These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert"

"Then tell me, papa…..."

"Yes, my son?"

Why are we living in Bolton?

Time for some poetry..........

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I have Alzheimer's

Cheese on Toast.

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom, using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH......YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO hel_l!!!!

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom, using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH......YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO hel_l!!!!

Booked my passage already (and stuck a cork in it)

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent

elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hel_l."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hel_l. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hel_l cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

I said to the waiter at the restaurant, "Cheese sandwich, toasted please".A few minutes later he came back with an ordinary sandwich, picked up my glass of wine in the air and said:"Here's to your cheese sandwich".