Am I naive, gullible or just very stupid?

[PomPolo]

I am probably going to sound very silly with this post but I am reaching out to my fellow TV'ites for advice, insults :) or general direction in how I should approach relationships in Thailand.

 

A little bit of background I have lived on and off mostly in Thailand for nearly 12 years and like to think I understand the country and the culture and still love the place despite all its 'quirks', I have spent time integrating with the culture have many Thai friends and even speak relatively basic Thai.

 

I met and married a Thai lady 7 years ago, I got her a UK visa and she lived with me in England for 3 years, I did the usual dowry for the family and sent money back to her poor family in Issan every month.  While in England I found out she cheated on me many times with guys, sometimes for money and moved away from me in England to be with another guy.  I forgave her for all this and we got back together in Thailand and lived together for a while but I had to leave Thailand for a few months to work.  She called me one day and said she had been talking with her family and needed a man with money (I never divulge to her how much I have) and again left me for another man.

 

My next relationship was with a girl who I thought I could trust (I welcome the insults :)) my plan was to stay in Thailand for a very long time so I spent over 2 million setting up two businesses (in her name - stupid eh?) once (she thought - again I never divulge my wealth) I was running out of money she again cheated on me and found an excuse for me not to come back home from one of my visa runs and even threatened that something very bad would happen to me if I ever turned back up where she lived.  She says she still wants to be friends with me and  a couple of weeks ago asked me for 15000 baht to pay half of her daughters school fees - naturally I refused the kind offer.

 

My current relationship is with a girl I met in a bar - I didn't expect it to go very far but did kind of like her - but I don't spend so much time in Thailand at the moment so have suggested that the relationship might not go very far and that maybe we should both move on unless I know I will be back in Thailand for a very long time, her attitude has now changed somewhat and says she needs 30000 baht to pay for her two daughters school fees.

 

Am i the only person that has had very bad luck in Thailand with relationships?  I know some of my decisions have been stupid but my experiences are making me very cynical towards any type of relationship in Thailand, in my experience they seem to involve money, threats and deceit.

 

All comments/advice/insults :) welcome. 

[ThaidDown]

 

Quote

Am I naive, gullible or just very stupid?

From what you say you appear guilty on all three counts.

 

(Sorry but you did ask)

 

 

[PomPolo]

 

3 minutes ago, ThaidDown said:

Quote

Am I naive, gullible or just very stupid?

From what you say you appear guilty on all three counts.

 

(Sorry but you did ask)

Completely fair - and I am changing my attitude a lot, but I do love the country and don't want to become cynical, bitter and twisted towards any future relationship, I love the country and the people and am trying my best not to let my relationship experiences reflect on my opinion of what is my favourite country in the world.

[PomPolo]

Regarding my second relationship the girl I was with was also very wealthy in her own right, also from a powerful family which sort of made me trust her a lot more as I was under the impression that she didn't desperately need my money.  So to clarify all my relationships do not begin in bars.  I have read many TV posts on mutually respectful relationships with Thai ladies, and believe me I have tried my hardest to find one of these.  Anyone with any success stories please let me know where I am going wrong.

[transam]

If you cannot "read" stuff then you should just stay single, don't jump in at the deep end, then perhaps someone may come up...BUT, life is never straight forward, know one can see what's around the corner...

[Kwasaki]

1 minute ago, PomPolo said:

Regarding my second relationship the girl I was with was also very wealthy in her own right,

Why did she ask you for 15,000 then.

 

Sounds to me you get involved too soon.

Try getting some counselling.

 

[PomPolo]

3 minutes ago, Kwasaki said:

12 minutes ago, PomPolo said:

Regarding my second relationship the girl I was with was also very wealthy in her own right,

Why did she ask you for 15,000 then.

 

Sounds to me you get involved too soon.

Try getting some counselling.

That also confused me - my cynical side would say that a Thai ladies second god after buddha is baht, it is this sort of cynicism I am trying to avoid.  Maybe just because she thought I would!

[PomPolo]

1 minute ago, PomPolo said:

  5 minutes ago, Kwasaki said:

15 minutes ago, PomPolo said:

Regarding my second relationship the girl I was with was also very wealthy in her own right,

Why did she ask you for 15,000 then.

 

Sounds to me you get involved too soon.

Try getting some counselling.

I am also trying to save money on counselling by getting some advice from you guys :)

[Ahab]

30 minutes ago, ThaidDown said:

 

From what you say you appear guilty on all three counts.

 

(Sorry but you did ask)

 

 

Ditto

[colinneil]

You want advice. OK  !!Run forrest run !!

[SiamBeast]

(..) Naive

(..) Guillible

(..) Very stupid

(X) All of the above

 

First, here is my #1 hint. And it applies to any man: Since you can afford to have higher standards in Thailand than in your home country, stop dating single moms. They're train wrecks, financial dead-ends. The "cheating" argument isn't valid, because by dating a single mom, you're a cuckold right at the start. She's just "reminding" you that fact when she cheats on you.

 

Next, I wouldn't recommend bringing a Thai girl to your home country  for extended periods of time. While there's nothing explicitely wrong in doing it, there is a possibility that she might discover "better farangs" since she's surrounded by them, and get poisoned by "social cancers" like equality, feminism, hypergamy, etc. and will start adopting the values, think about freedom, and eventually leave you. Unless you live in a pretty conservative country, stay in Thailand with her.

 

Next, never put assets in a girl's name. Not even a family member. It should be under your name only. If legal restrictions prevent you from doing so, hire a lawyer to set up a Thai companies and (if needed) have nominees in place with a bulletproof contract. If you have no money to pay for a corporate lawyer, you have no money to start a business. You'll sleep better at night knowing that you're the only one in control of your assets.

 

Next, if you get married, have a prenup! This little piece of paper will cost you 30,000 baht but will save you millions if your wife decides to go rogue. Basically the prenup states that what's yours is yours, what's hers is hers, and she has "no right to attempt to take any share in your assets in any mean". Basically, no alimony, no child support, etc. You're eliminating one more incentive for her to leave.

 

Next, "dowry", a.ka. "sin sot", is only for virgins. While you can offer something to her family as a "good will gesture" if she's second-hand, you're not required to show money at the wedding. A family who will refuse to let her daughter marry is a family you don't want to marry into, so consider this a favor from them.

 

Next, girls you meet in bars are good for short-term amusement, but NEVER for relationships. It's just too much drama. You can get the girl out of the bar, but you can't get the bar out of the girl. What goes around comes around.

 

Wish you the best, but if I may ask, how old are you? (Just an age  bracket)

 

P.S. A lot of young men (like when I arrived here) who want some quick adventure just look on ThaiFriendly and Tinder for single moms due to their "easiness" for one night stands, i.e. a zero-effort adventure when we don't feel like going through the formal 2-date process. This means that the single moms you guys are dating probably had 10 to 15 men pass on them before - talk about a big eskimo brother family. If you date them, it's a bit like going to 7-eleven, taking the expired pint of milk to the counter and offering to pay double for it.

 

[Nurseynutcase]

I have seen and heard of this so many times, both here on TV and from friends I have met here.

 

I do wonder how so many men make the same mistake - not just once or twice but more often.

 

I also wonder why you have not said if you have had a long-term relationship with a girl in your own country?

 

Would suggest you step back and take a good long look at the future and what it is you want?

 

Maybe your ideal girl just doesn't exist?

 

worth a thought????

 

[PomPolo]

4 minutes ago, SiamBeast said:

Wish you the best, but if I may ask, how old are you? (Just an age  bracket)

44 years old - very good advice and I am certainly changing my ways - I guess one of my experiences of staying in Thailand for a long time shows the more you 'think' you know the less you actually do.  

[SiamBeast]

If you're only 44, then your next girl should be around 32 years old, with a university degree, and without kids / bar experience.

[worgeordie]

If you need to have a partner,just keep looking,but stop spending

so much on them,the odds are you will find the right one,there are

good ones out there,ones you can trust,that will be faithful,are not

after your money,I found mine 30 years ago,she's a saver not a spender,

honest as the day is long,does not shirk work,excellent mother and wife,

I am a very lucky man.  and good luck to you.

regards Worgeordie

[sipi]

I had the exact same issues with Western women.

Then I met and married a Thai and lived happily ever after.

Shit happens, get on with it.

[Kadilo]

I had the exact same issues with Western women.
Then I met and married a Thai and lived happily ever after.
Shit happens, get on with it.

That's actually a fair point. I'm
More wary out here due to my bad experiences back home. I work on the basis that I never spend any more than I am willing to lose and there are certainly some good ladies here if you take your time and don't rush in.
I do think you have been a bit unlucky as well as the things you describe yourself as. Trouble is you seem a really nice generous guy and any woman can take advantage of that, Thai or western.
Good luck for the future.


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[theguyfromanotherforum]

It's absolutely ok to be bitter and cynical to some degree. Screw the ones who tell you otherwise by keeping a fake happy face. You need those feelings to protect yourself as you are dealing with a 3rd world country and 3rd world attitudes. Dating a girl from a wealthy family means absolutely nothing here. I dated a well off Thai girl who was Canadian and I'll never forget what she told me after she dumped my behind at Narita airport. "I'll always be Thai" and the worst part is she hated living in Thailand among Thai people.

My current wife really takes care of me and never asked nor have I given her a single baht. However, there are still cultural differences that I am afraid will push us towards divorce. I hope not, but at least I don't live in denial.

To be honest, I would give anything to be with a white woman.

[binjalin]

for God's sake man RENT don't BUY

 

can't believe anyone would even attempt a relationship (yes I know there are some blissfully happy) with a Thai

 

remember money is NUMBER 1 here and love goes out the window as soon as poverty knocks on the door (or they think they hear that knock) 

 

be self-contained and love those who prove loyalty over time and true love has nothing to do with 'romance' so leave that back in your teens - good luck 

[sipi]

 

[CharlieH]

Not all Thai women are like that.

 

"If you visit a sewer why be surprised you caught a rat?"

 

"Some women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have s firm grip on the next"

 

You now have that invaluable asset of experience. Learn from it !

 

There are good and bad in every race and culture. 

 

 

[CharlieH]

Keep it civil please !

 

7) You will respect fellow members and post in a civil manner. No personal attacks, hateful or insulting towards other members, (flaming) Stalking of members on either the forum or via PM will not be allowed.
 

 

 

[piersbeckett]

1 hour ago, transam said:

If you cannot "read" stuff then you should just stay single, don't jump in at the deep end, then perhaps someone may come up...BUT, life is never straight forward, know one can see what's around the corner...

Adding to that, I'd say that luck too, plays its part i.e. if you can be where you belong you've a better chance of meeting a partner who's also where he/she belongs - the trouble with Thailand is that as a foreigner you don't really belong.

[ajarngreg]

26 minutes ago, transam said:

You are a sad case.....

I have to disagree. He's a very sad case. His example is so out of order. I can trust my wife 100 % and knowing your wife, I'd bet not any different.

 

      And we're both married for ages. You get what you deserve. 

 

     In a relationship are always two involved. 

[ajarngreg]

1 minute ago, transam said:

Think you forget what you have written............

That might be only one of the reasons why it is as it is. Nobody likes dishonest people. And this thread is good proof how dishonest the guy from another one really is.

 

     Turning things around in other peoples' mouths isn't gentlemen like. 

[JHolmesJr]

Its quite easy….dont marry one….just keep her as a GF. Encourage her to work…..adn if she cant give her a small allowance for herself.

 

No cars, motos, houses…..she stays with you or she goes.

 

Tell her you're interested in her, not her family….

 

A good'un will accept that but the others will run.

[DILLIGAD]

If you're only 44, then your next girl should be around 32 years old, with a university degree, and without kids / bar experience.

What a load of cods.
So what exactly does a university degree prove????

BTW I work with 13,000 kids getting said piece of paper.


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[SiamBeast]

It is common knowledge that men should pick a woman of similar age or younger. Maybe 2-3 years older is okay, but no reason to pick a woman 10 years older. You know the saying: men age like wine, women age like milk.

 

A university degree, while meaningless in itself, is a way to know that you're not (usually) dealing with a girl on the bottom of the dating totem pole. It is a way to show that the girl is able to do something more than sitting down and watching TV, because she was able to finish university.

 

Without kids: It goes without saying, nobody should ever date single mothers unless then have a fantasm of seeing their wife getting banged by a mile of sausages (don't get me wrong, some men genuinely enjoy this, but not 99.5% of the population)

 

Without bar experience: Lovely bargirls...

[Odysseus123]

1 minute ago, JHolmesJr said:

Its quite easy….dont marry one….just keep her as a GF. Encourage her to work…..adn if she cant give her a small allowance for herself.

 

No cars, motos, houses…..she stays with you or she goes.

 

Tell her you're interested in her, not her family….

 

A good'un will accept that but the others will run.

....or pretend to accept and then make your life a perfect misery 3-5 years down the track.

Never underestimate the power of the extended family in Thailand.

 

Many of the women operate to prepared scripts up here and these are usually provided by their network of friends who have relationships with foreigners.A "good" foreigner is one who gives them money and a "bad" foreigner is one who does not or at least tries to put the brakes on.Check out their social network as well as their family.

 

In my experience most men who have married a Thai woman with offspring from a previous Thai marriage/relationship up here will come a major cropper.

[Jai Dee]

Several troll and argumentative posts have been removed from this thread.