Relationships and age differences, a personal case study

[Berkshire]

3 hours ago, Kinnock said:

My TGF sees it the same way as you ........ but what I meant was that in a "traditional" relationship with an age difference of only 2-3 years, the couple would raise kids together then grow old together, eventually expiring within a few years of each other.  With a greater age difference, kids may not be part of the deal, and one partner will enter old age sooner than the other.  I'm fit and healthy now - but there will come a time when age related issues start to surface, then after I'm gone she may need to face her old age alone.

 

These are thoughts that can keep me awake at night.

 

Don't lose sleep over it my friend.  My parents were close to the same age, but my father is long gone and my mother is still going strong.  Just do your best and everything will work out in the end. 

[473geo]

12 hours ago, Kinnock said:

The age difference in our relationship is less than the OP's, but still 'asymmetric , and we've had 8 happy years together so far - but I do have one concern about our relationship - and that's sometimes I feel I may be taking the best years of her life, and I worry about what will happen after I'm gone.  I've discussed this with her several times, and asked if she'd be better off with a younger man, but this results in tears and the silent treatment.  She says it's her decision, and that she does now want anyone else. 

 

I do think I get the lion's share of the benefits in the relationship - in addition to her 'Bollywood' looks (she's Thai but has some Indian genes in her pool), she has a very caring nature and a sparky intelligence.  She has her own businesses, but I've also helped her to invest in property to secure her future - although she sees this as investing in 'our' future, but the reality is that I will expire long before her.

Ok you are a caring thoughtful guy and way ahead of the selfish rats who advise 'renting a home', 'don't get married', 'never help her out with money'!!!

 

But time to leave your thoughts on what she will do without you in the bin, where she has firmly placed them. Do not mention this again or she may consider you are somehow looking for an 'out'

 

Your concern for your wife is admirable, thank you for your post, it echoes my thoughts for my wife. Fortunately with two children and now everything else in place she will be fine and I am sure your wife will be, I've never noticed anybody looking 'alone' in rural Thailand.

 

 

[Kadilo]

13 hours ago, Kinnock said:

The age difference in our relationship is less than the OP's, but still 'asymmetric , and we've had 8 happy years together so far - but I do have one concern about our relationship - and that's sometimes I feel I may be taking the best years of her life, and I worry about what will happen after I'm gone.  I've discussed this with her several times, and asked if she'd be better off with a younger man, but this results in tears and the silent treatment.  She says it's her decision, and that she does now want anyone else. 

 

I do think I get the lion's share of the benefits in the relationship - in addition to her 'Bollywood' looks (she's Thai but has some Indian genes in her pool), she has a very caring nature and a sparky intelligence.  She has her own businesses, but I've also helped her to invest in property to secure her future - although she sees this as investing in 'our' future, but the reality is that I will expire long before her.

Nice post and one I can too relate too. 

[thaibeachlovers]

On ‎3‎/‎13‎/‎2018 at 4:58 PM, Kinnock said:

My TGF sees it the same way as you ........ but what I meant was that in a "traditional" relationship with an age difference of only 2-3 years, the couple would raise kids together then grow old together, eventually expiring within a few years of each other.  With a greater age difference, kids may not be part of the deal, and one partner will enter old age sooner than the other.  I'm fit and healthy now - but there will come a time when age related issues start to surface, then after I'm gone she may need to face her old age alone.

 

These are thoughts that can keep me awake at night.

 

It's always been so. The present situation where people can grow old together is an anomaly in human society.

Till the middle of the 20th century men died in wars by the millions, died long before their wives because their work was so physically stressful, and of course disease took one or the other long before old age. Even childbirth killed millions of women, leaving the men to care for the children, though there are few stories about them.

My granny lived longer after my grandfather died than they were married.

 

IMO, if it's working for you, do it and make the most of it. 

Life is <deleted> and then we die, for most of humanity. We are the privileged ones to even be able to consider growing old together.

 

However, in the final irony, women are divorcing men at a 50% rate, ensuring they will not grow old together.

 

Just to be positive, I saw an elderly couple yesterday that clearly still "loved" each other, holding hands even. Quite touching.

[The Deerhunter]

My experience:  My wife is 25 years younger. We married 12 years ago and lived 8 years in my home country where she adapted well and started thinking like a non Thai.  Back, since returning here to live together there is a return to a lot of supersticious nonsense and other less favourable Thai habits creeping back in which make life, um, interesting. But I guess I shouldn't complain.  She is still streets ahead of being married to any local girl from back home.  I am now retired and she has since returned to her old position with her old company where she worked when I met her. For those smart Alecs among you (heaven forbid):  No, she was not in the sex trade, a dancer, a bar girl.or anything even remotely associated to that world. 

 

 

[Berkshire]

3 hours ago, The Deerhunter said:

 She is still streets ahead of being married to any local girl from back home. 

You were fine until this statement.  I hope your wife doesn't have the same, lame, hi-so attitude as you. 

[theguyfromanotherforum]

21 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

You were fine until this statement.  I hope your wife doesn't have the same, lame, hi-so attitude as you. 

 

Agreed. 

 

But what would this forum be without a bunch of insecure Western males.

[The Deerhunter]

13 hours ago, Berkshire said:

You were fine until this statement.  I hope your wife doesn't have the same, lame, hi-so attitude as you. 

Huh?  You lost me there.  So I had lousy experiences in marriage and dating Western women back home. I thought that is why most of us were here.  That, and the cost of living on retirement income in most western countries.

Edited March 17, 2018 by The Deerhunter

[Berkshire]

31 minutes ago, The Deerhunter said:

Huh?  You lost me there.  So I had lousy experiences in marriage and dating Western women back home. I thought that is why most of us were here.  That, and the cost of living on retirement income in most western countries.

Perhaps I misunderstood you.  I thought you were talking about the current wife and how she's better off than other local girls married to local guys.  My mistake. 

[The Deerhunter]

12 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

Perhaps I misunderstood you.  I thought you were talking about the current wife and how she's better off than other local girls married to local guys.  My mistake. 

Ah!   Perhaps the vagaries of the art of English comprehension?      I have met a number of Thai women I could have settled with.   I chose her.  Since then (mainly through her) I have met several more of equal attributes:  personality, attitude, relationship values etc, but I had already chosen her and have no plans on trading, up, down or sideways.   Very few Westerners even begin to tick enough of the boxes for me.  I am very happy to be here and with her.  Against all the alternatives available at this time of my life, this is a very good relationship/lifestyle 

[thaibeachlovers]

20 hours ago, The Deerhunter said:

No, she was not in the sex trade, a dancer, a bar girl.or anything even remotely associated to that world. 

Good luck to you that you found a woman that wasn't and that it turned out OK, but just not being in the sex trade is no guarantee of a happy union.

IMO there is a world of difference from one that does it just to earn a bit of cash at a point in her life when she needed to, and a hardened prostitute with a heart of stone.

I've met both sorts, and some of the former were wonderful human beings. 

[Jip99]

2 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Good luck to you that you found a woman that wasn't and that it turned out OK, but just not being in the sex trade is no guarantee of a happy union.

IMO there is a world of difference from one that does it just to earn a bit of cash at a point in her life when she needed to, and a hardened prostitute with a heart of stone.

I've met both sorts, and some of the former were wonderful human beings. 

 

 

I have one of the former and I can genuinely say that she has enriched my life over the last 12 years.

[thaibeachlovers]

3 hours ago, The Deerhunter said:

Ah!   Perhaps the vagaries of the art of English comprehension?      I have met a number of Thai women I could have settled with.   I chose her.  Since then (mainly through her) I have met several more of equal attributes:  personality, attitude, relationship values etc, but I had already chosen her and have no plans on trading, up, down or sideways.   Very few Westerners even begin to tick enough of the boxes for me.  I am very happy to be here and with her.  Against all the alternatives available at this time of my life, this is a very good relationship/lifestyle 

I'm with you on western women, but I think that is the tragedy of our time, that western men can't find a western woman that they would want to marry, and have to look to places like LOS for that.

I worked with many women and had some close female friends, but although most were nice people, because of western PC attitudes that have become ingrained in the culture, I never even considered one to marry. I had resigned myself to never being married. Then I discovered Thailand. In the end, I picked the wrong woman, but I do not doubt that there is the right one out there if I wanted to try again ( I don't, but not because I've gone off Thai women ).

[The Deerhunter]

3 hours ago, Jip99 said:

 

 

I have one of the former and I can genuinely say that she has enriched my life over the last 12 years.

Same time frame as me.   Good period for apprenticeship.  Thinking of making it permanent.   555.

[Jip99]

31 minutes ago, The Deerhunter said:

Same time frame as me.   Good period for apprenticeship.  Thinking of making it permanent.   555.

 

 

Yep...... mine is looking more and more like a keeper!  

[The Deerhunter]

5 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I'm with you on western women, but I think that is the tragedy of our time, that western men can't find a western woman that they would want to marry, and have to look to places like LOS for that.

I worked with many women and had some close female friends, but although most were nice people, because of western PC attitudes that have become ingrained in the culture, I never even considered one to marry. I had resigned myself to never being married. Then I discovered Thailand. In the end, I picked the wrong woman, but I do not doubt that there is the right one out there if I wanted to try again ( I don't, but not because I've gone off Thai women ).

Don't give up.  If you live here you have got a much better chance of finding a good one than as a tourist.  Good Thai women are culturally difficult for a foreigner to meet. I am sure that most of us who never met our women through bars etc did so through business/work or introductions from friends on either his or her side. Much better to look outside the tourist towns too.  Nothing against bar friends but being a good playmate does not necessarily qualify her for being a good life helpmate. The hooker with the heart of gold surely exists but is in the minority in the real world. I have met some great fun  girls from the entertainment sector but I have only 2 friends lucky enough to find a truly faithful life mate there.  Of course  I know only very few Thai Visa folk personally but realize that quite  a number claim to have beaten the odds and struck it lucky.  Hope you have success second time round. 

 

 

 

Edited March 17, 2018 by The Deerhunter

[Kimber]

On ‎16‎/‎03‎/‎2018 at 8:00 PM, The Deerhunter said:

My experience:  My wife is 25 years younger. We married 12 years ago and lived 8 years in my home country where she adapted well and started thinking like a non Thai.  Back, since returning here to live together there is a return to a lot of supersticious nonsense and other less favourable Thai habits creeping back in which make life, um, interesting. But I guess I shouldn't complain.  She is still streets ahead of being married to any local girl from back home.  I am now retired and she has since returned to her old position with her old company where she worked when I met her. For those smart Alecs among you (heaven forbid):  No, she was not in the sex trade, a dancer, a bar girl.or anything even remotely associated to that world. 

 

 

 

Good you mate,  not enough gets mentioned about the decent Thai women who make great partners and wives.  

[EVENKEEL]

3 hours ago, Kimber said:

 

Good you mate,  not enough gets mentioned about the decent Thai women who make great partners and wives.  

That's because it makes for boring reading. Give me a tale of debauchery any day for some good reading..

[thaibeachlovers]

19 hours ago, The Deerhunter said:

Don't give up.  If you live here you have got a much better chance of finding a good one than as a tourist.  Good Thai women are culturally difficult for a foreigner to meet. I am sure that most of us who never met our women through bars etc did so through business/work or introductions from friends on either his or her side. Much better to look outside the tourist towns too.  Nothing against bar friends but being a good playmate does not necessarily qualify her for being a good life helpmate. The hooker with the heart of gold surely exists but is in the minority in the real world. I have met some great fun  girls from the entertainment sector but I have only 2 friends lucky enough to find a truly faithful life mate there.  Of course  I know only very few Thai Visa folk personally but realize that quite  a number claim to have beaten the odds and struck it lucky.  Hope you have success second time round. 

 

 

 

Thank you for that, but I've chosen to not get involved again. When my marriage was good, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but after it went bad it was the worst time of my life.

Since I left her, I've discovered that I don't mind living alone, as long as I keep busy.

On balance, I'd rather live whatever is left of my life without getting stressed again, and while I have no doubt that my soul mate is out there, I don't want to risk another disaster looking for her. I've been wrong twice, and I'm not going for a third own goal.

 

Have a nice day.

[GoDucks]

So thanks for all the additional contributors.  Someone was right--the happy stories without drama don't get much attention.  It was good for me to see there are a lot more success stories out there.

 

 

[GoDucks]

So I thought I would update everyone.  Its been 8 months since I started this thread and--all still good.  My girl spends more time at my condo now.  Her family are fully aware that I am her bf and she stays with me on occasion.  She is still amazingly chill and kind and sweet.  Still seems crazy about me.  Going on 3 yers since we first met and 2.5 since we became a couple.

Honestly, never been happier.

[AsiaCheese]

On 12/3/2018 at 7:52 PM, GoDucks said:

So I thought I would update everyone.  Its been 8 months since I started this thread and--all still good.  My girl spends more time at my condo now.  Her family are fully aware that I am her bf and she stays with me on occasion.  She is still amazingly chill and kind and sweet.  Still seems crazy about me.  Going on 3 yers since we first met and 2.5 since we became a couple.

Honestly, never been happier.

 

Not gonna go into that "see, I told you so" corner  ????

 

But here's cheers from the told-you-so couple @ Jomtien, with 9 days to go until the 3-years cake.

[BobBKK]

On 12/3/2018 at 7:52 PM, GoDucks said:

So I thought I would update everyone.  Its been 8 months since I started this thread and--all still good.  My girl spends more time at my condo now.  Her family are fully aware that I am her bf and she stays with me on occasion.  She is still amazingly chill and kind and sweet.  Still seems crazy about me.  Going on 3 yers since we first met and 2.5 since we became a couple.

Honestly, never been happier.

If your happy dating a 20 year old at your age who cares?  of course she loves you I mean why wouldn't a beautiful 20 year old love a 50+ ?  go for it, enjoy the illusion who cares?  Luckily we live in a place where it doesn't matter and 50+ year old sad gits can date beautiful young girls. Enjoy it!

[transam]

3 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

If your happy dating a 20 year old at your age who cares?  of course she loves you I mean why wouldn't a beautiful 20 year old love a 50+ ?  go for it, enjoy the illusion who cares?  Luckily we live in a place where it doesn't matter and 50+ year old sad gits can date beautiful young girls. Enjoy it!

Why the "sad gits" thingy...?

[Kadilo]

25 minutes ago, transam said:

Why the "sad gits" thingy...?

It would spoil the stereo if it wasn’t in there. 

[BritManToo]

32 minutes ago, BobBKK said:

If your happy dating a 20 year old at your age who cares?  of course she loves you I mean why wouldn't a beautiful 20 year old love a 50+ ?  go for it, enjoy the illusion who cares?  Luckily we live in a place where it doesn't matter and 50+ year old sad gits can date beautiful young girls. Enjoy it!

No woman has ever loved me for myself, so I might as well choose a young one.

Being an Incel would make me sad, here I'm happy.

Edited December 8, 2018 by BritManToo

[realenglish1]

Well, let's see I am 65 My wife is  39 going on 40. That is an age difference of 26 years.

Announcement !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 We have been together for the last 12+ years

We met when she was just 26

So you see May December relationships can work out

Anyone who criticizes  two people together with a big age gap should

have a look at their own relationship.

Chances are they are not too successful

[Denim]

I'm 61 and my wife hasn't been born yet. The age thing doesn't bother either of us yet.

[Lucky mike]

No rules, be happy no one gets out alive !

[tropo]

On 3/8/2018 at 12:48 PM, GoDucks said:

On 3/8/2018 at 11:39 AM, marko kok prong said:

Good luck to the op but a 34 year age gap is a fair one,my first Thai wife was 10 years younger than me my second is 13 years younger i am 53.It is hard enough to have a lot in common due to cultural differences,but we mostly get on fine,but i really don't know what i would talk about with a 20 year old.

Surprisingly we like a lot of the same music, enjoy the same movies, enjoy the same kind of activities, and as one of those girls who has liked Western culture for most of her life its weird how many things she is aware of--like Scoobi doo as an odd example.  I almost think her age is an advangage as she grew up being exposed to internet and all things Western.

As an example a few months back a Green Day song came up and she was singing along... A bit surprised I asked "You like Green Day?"  She said yes they were one of her favorites...

Here are some things you should consider going forward:

 

1. You will deteriorate going forward much faster than she, so the age gap will effectively increase. She'll be mid-30's and in prime condition when you're pushing 70. At that point, if you're still together, she may have big regrets when she realises she's waking up next to an old man. My wife is constantly putting expensive skin care products on my face these days to preserve my looks the best she can for as long as she can as my face wrinkles up and ages LOL. Meeting her family will prove interesting too as you will be older than her parents.

 

2. At 20, she will change more over the next decade than at any other point in her life. I was with my current wife when she was 20, and now, over a decade later she's a different person entirely with totally different thought processes. How many of us are the same as we were at age 20? I was a lot younger than you are now when I started out with her, so the perceived age gap wasn't as great, nor was the actual age gap.

 

3. She could be playing a skilful long game... pretending she's not after any money now to impress you, and it seems to be working. A lot of women seek old guys that won't be around too long for obvious reasons.