On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”
"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy.

Guy goes into a golf club, the receptionist says:
“Sorry you’re not welcome here.”
Guy:” but I’m a country member!”
“Yeah, I remember.  That's why you're not welcome.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven:

When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - Very tall, long eyelashes.and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says. "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The forlorn guy says. "I don't know about you, but I accidentally stepped on a duck!"