So now you know why.

3 hours ago, Crossy said:

Reminds me of the Chinese couple who divorced.

She went back to Peking and he went home to open that restaurant.

Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,
And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,
"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"

One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, 
"Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Barbara replied,
"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "

 

Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

 

Stewart replied,

"Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, but you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"

13 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My budgie escaped from its cage and somehow mated with my dog.

I've got a couple of puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

An Australian woman crossed her budgie with a crocodile. One day it bit her arm off and said "Who's  a naughty boy then?"

20 hours ago, Crossy said:

 

Update:-

The Irish SAS have arrived, killed the gorillas and released the ostriches.

 

One dyslexic terrorist managed to escape from the zoo. Police are looking for a man armed with a Gnu.

I just bought Neil Diamond's old Volvo on Ebay.

It was a Swede car on-line.

Doting Jewish mother meeting her daughter coming off her flight; next to her, holding hands, is a Native American gentleman of noble bearing, with the most beautifully woven cloak, a plume of exotic feathers upon his head and a richly decorated stick in hand.
Mother screeches:
"Oy vey iz mir! No, no! I said a RICH doctor!"

Man dressed in cricket whites walks very slow into a doctors surgery.

Man. “Doc, you’ve got to help me, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my rear“

Doc. “Oh really? Howzat?”

Man. “Don’t you bloody start!”

I used to wear a pork pie hat.

But I couldn't stand the gravy running down my neck.

I saw a man being arrested by an albino policeman this morning.

I thought, "That's a fair cop."

I bought 50 gallons of Tipex the other day.
Big mistake.