I made a silly mistake.  I parked my car and left two Chelsea tickets in plain view.  I got back to find some bar steward had forced the window open and put two more next to them.

 

An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again-no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She says, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"

I'm sure you will get the point(s)

 

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counselling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable-an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze. The therapist turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
 

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin," the father replies.
"Who?" the son asks.
"Yeah," the dad responds, "I liked them too."
 

I'm sure you will get the point(s)
 

That sign hasn’t been updated !!

Should look like this !

A kid is late for school one day. "I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer," he explains to the teacher.
"Well, couldn't your father have done that?" the teacher asks after class.
"Sure," the boy replies. "But the bull does a better job."

 

A father confronts his young son in the backyard. "I heard you skipped school today to go to the beach with your friends."
"That's a lie!" the boy shouts. "And I've got the movie stub to prove it."

 

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents, which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

1 minute ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Should look like this !

I'm not so sure as yours' seems a bit pointless.

I'm not so sure as yours' seems a bit pointless.

They also come in rubber !!

Vulcanised rubber [emoji54]



( Dr Spork for those who are bewildered by the lunacy !! )

13 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Did you really think you would find intelligent life (other than you and I) down on TV land?

21 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

They also come in rubber !!

Vulcanised rubber

Why did you bring your choice of condoms into this, are you trying to tell us about a little (or big!) fetish or something?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just got back from my mates funeral, He was killed by a tennis ball

It was a cracking service.

 

When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms..

So our parents paid for them.

 

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double-entendre.

So he gives her one.
 

Today is an incredible day for mankind.. for today I shall rewrite history.

 

history.

Black humor but it made me smile

 

What have Thomas Cook and Madeline McCann’s family got in common......they will both take you on holiday but won’t bring you back

Hey! I said print me a T shirt with an image of Jesus SUFFERING ...