The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the new-born son. The extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"

Joseph looks at Mary and says,

"Write that down-that's much better than Tom Dick or Harry."
 

A guy calls 999 in a panic. "My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!"
"Calm down," the 999 operator says. "Is this her first child?"
"No, you idiot!" the guy shouts. "This is her husband!"
 

My wife's in a right bad mood!!
Someone's stolen a pair of her pants off the washing line...
She's not bothered about the missing knickers, she just wants the twelve pegs back! 
 

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

 

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him,

“What’s the word on the street?”

 

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles
He kept leaving little messages around the house

 

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.” —Anonymous.

On 9/26/2019 at 11:02 AM, Andrew Dwyer said:

Only happens in suburbia ????

 

On 9/26/2019 at 8:53 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

Was this in The streets have no name 

What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
 a Rottweiler ....and a small pile of fur.

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Patient:  Doctor I think I 'm coming down with amnesia
Doctor: My tests prove you're right, from now on you'll need to pay in advance. 

(*Rodney Dangerfield*)

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I hate people who take drugs.  The DEA is number one on my list.                 _{Drug Enforcement Administration}

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Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Roger:  I’m aware of that, but Karen is great with the kids and has a wonderful personality.

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"Left my wife this morning"......Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?” 
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was at her sister’s all night .”
So? Maybe she was.”
No freakin way man,. ...."I was with her sister all night ”

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Found My wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying,  Roger "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"
I desperately cut the rope and administered CPR. Thankfully I could bring her back to life. 
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, honey that's not how you spell criticism."

John the chicken/egg farmer had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing..

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch,. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all!  John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair. Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

 

The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

 

Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and then screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
 

A mother travelled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day. "Thank you for coming," the son said. "It means so much." "Of course I'd be here," the mother replied.

"It's not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day."
 

Patrick was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Murphy outside the Jewellery Store. Pat noticed that Murphy had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

“What have you just purchased?" He asks.

Murphy says "It's my Lena's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday, Lena said, “Oh, I dun know, dear, just give me something with lots of diamonds.

"So what did you get her?" Pat asks.

Murphy says, "I bought her a pack of cards."
 

The barmaid down my local got her nipples pierced last night.  

That visiting darts team were absolute rubbish and won’t be invited back!

Aa my prostate examiner left a nurse came in said three words you do not want to hear, she said “who was that?”

 

Please spare a thought for our snooker table, hope it’s not serious ☹️

They will make a full recovery?

They will make a full recovery?

Good news it was only a scare and the snooker table is back being used as God intended !!