A guy wakes up in the recovery room at the hospital to find the surgeon waiting at his bedside. The surgeon asks "well how are you feeling?"

The patient replies "I have a bit of pain where my appendix was removed but I also have a dull ache in my Groin area".

"Well. yes about that. You were on the table and the anaesthetist was busy putting you to sleep. I turned to the young new assistant surgeon and said I am off to get gowned up, whilst I am gone please remove his Spectacles. He must have a hearing problem".

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto reins in his horse, slips from its back and lies on the floor.

The Lone Ranger asks "what is it Tonto?"

"Buffalo come", replies Tonto.

"Oh", says the Lone Ranger "can you feel the vibrations of their hooves?"

"No", says Tonto, "ear stuck to ground!"

A friend of mine loves beef tongue for breakfast, but I could never eat anything that came from a cows mouth.

It's scrambled eggs for me.

Tom is sitting in the lounge when he hears a frantic call for help from his wife in the bathroom. He rushes over and asks "what's the problem is?"

She replies "I got my toe stuck in the tap".

Tom reaches over and it is jammed in there. He pulls the plug and lets out all the water but that doesn't help. Not wanting to hurt the love of his life he calls the local emergency plumber who says he will be right over. 

His wife with teary eyes says "darling he can't see me like this".

So Tom grabs the bath towel and drapes it across his wife's ample bosom.

His wife says "thank you, but what about the area lower down?"

Tom thinks for a moment and rushes to the hat stand and comes back with a bowler hat which he gently places over the area.
The plumber arrives and after a quick look over the situation announces "I will have your wife's toe out of there in a jiffy, but Charlie Chaplin might take a little while longer."

A blonde couple, guy and his girl, go into a bar and order tequila shots. They down them, give each other a high five and exclaim "six weeks!"
They order another round of shots, down them,repeating the high fives and the "six weeks!"
The bartender says "you are obviously celebrating.  Are you off on a six week holiday?"
"No", says the guy, "we bought a jigsaw puzzle at a car boot sale. On the box it said 2 to 3 Years, but we did it in six weeks!"

A guy arrive home and announces to his wife "honey I bought a condominium".

His wife replies "thank goodness.  Now I can stop using that diagram!"

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2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Now I can stop using that diagram

Shouldn't that be 'diaphragm'?

 

3 hours ago, IvorBiggun2 said:

Shouldn't that be 'diaphragm'?

No!

I think he is trying to phone his Gran on old rotary analogue phone! 

The service is known as "Dial A Gran(or maybe Grammy)"

 

PS;  Make sure your digit does not get stuck in whilst rotating the "Dial"

3 hours ago, IvorBiggun2 said:

Shouldn't that be 'diaphragm'?