A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window.

Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, "Look man, don't ever do that to me again. You scared the cr*p out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. Before this I drove a hearse."
 

Some stories will never be the same again!

A man goes back to a bookstore to complain about a recent purchase.

"As you know I bought this book, just a few minutes ago, called 'The Biggest Cowards in History', but the minute I opened the book outside on the pavement, all of the pages, which were bright yellow fell out and got blown away."

The sales clerk looks at the book and explains,

"Well, that's because it's got no spine."
 

At last, an alternative to those expensive hospital health check-ups ...

A tour guide is leading a group around Washington, D.C.

When they come to a lonely spot on the Potomac River, the guide tells the group,
"This is where George Washington threw a dollar across the river,"
"That's impossible," says one skeptical tourist.

"No one could ever throw a dollar that far."
The guide tells the man,

"You have to keep in mind that money went a lot farther in those days."

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says,

"You guys did such a good job. Why aren't you charging me for the paint?"
The head painter looks at the man and says,

 

"Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
 

A tour guide is leading a group through the British Museum in London.

"This mummy here is over 5,000 years old," the guide told the group.

"It's possible that Moses saw it."
A tourist raises her hand and asks,

 

"When was Moses ever in London?"
 

Says a Bombed out Scotsman!

3 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Says a Bombed out Scotsman!

I like pot smoked ham.

Mmmm ????, should I go for the DHL option ??

 

 

And a Bloody Mary ??

 

 

These are very popular in Thailand but why?

 

Two old seadogs were mulling over old times in the Jamaica Inn.

One had a wooden leg and the other had an eye patch and a hook on the end of his arm. 
"So how did you lose your leg?" asked one-eyed Jack. 
"It were back in '49. Our ship went down in rough seas off the coast of China and some bloody big shark came along and bit it off. The <deleted>! So what about you and your hook?" 
"That was down to Hardacre's lads. They chased us halfway across the channel before boarding us. But we put up a great fight. Shook the beggars off in the end. Just a shame it wasn't before one of them cut my arm off." 
"And what about the eye patch?" 
"Seagull sh*t." 
"What! I don't believe it." 
"As true as I'm sitting here," said Jack. "I happened to look up at the sun and this seagull sh*t in my eye." 
"And that's what made you blind?" 
"No, but it was only my first day with my new hook." 
 

A young man lived permanently at a nudist colony.

 

He received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. As it was a nudist colony no cameras or smartphones etc were allowed. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her  the top half. Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother. 
Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser.

Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother written in large letters and in it she said, "Thanks for the picture. 
Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose so small and droopy and your mouth a bit odd ball"